West Coast Greetings and Salutations,
---I wrote this 1-2 weeks ago and saved it as a draft. Things have already settled down even more, and some of these feelings have subsided but I wanted to publish this anyway. It marks how I was feeling in that moment. I haven't edited it so I hope my thoughts at the time make sense to you. It all came out at once. Raw and real.-- Heather
Hi. How are ya? Wonderful is my sincere hope. Wow. The plethora of things I have had to write about. So much is and has happened since I last jotted down my thoughts into cyberspace. I have found and lost my inner voice to write a million times since I landed here in my new abode. Moving = Happiness. Sadness. Excitement. Overwhelming anxiety. Inner peace. Depression. Learning. Roller coaster I say. Roller coaster.
First, I found an apartment. Let me tell you the housing Gods where with me. I got it first day, second apartment I looked at (with only one other dude who was looking with me). I moved in May 1st. It has killer space for a studio (four distinct rooms) and tons of California character. The City (San Francisco) won in the end over Emeryville. I chose to be in the center of it all.
More specifically I live in the Tenderloin. Or spoke another way the "Tender-nob". Where Nob Hill ($$) meets the land of the homeless, drug addicts and its share of hookers. Or spoke yet another way (on one of those street poll banners placed by the city at the street corners) "Upper Tenderloin. 409 Historical buildings and 33 proud blocks" (the entire Tenderloin is comprised of 50 blocks).
And the more I get out and walk the streets, I really am on the outskirts of the "Loin" or the "Ten" as we residents affectionately refer to our hood. It is quickly growing on me and for that I am grateful because geographically I am in the middle of it all. There is lots to love around here. Oh the difference a block or two can make.
Work continues to go well and I am still learning both jobs. There is alittle stress in that department (OK alot) but I will report further about that at another time. Suffice to say I am doing great at both clinics and by all accounts, well liked and appreciated for my work ethics and ability I am regaining (rusty ya know).
There are alot of feelings I have been going through some awesome and some very very stressful. There is a (disappointing) realization that I have come to notice about my view point about life. We are constantly moving towards or away from something. I am forming serious doubts that we as human beings can actually achieve satiation in our personal lives. Where we don't need another thing accomplished, even if for just a moment.
I don't particularly like this realization. I mean damn. Can't you achieve your goal (s) and be done vs realize when you thought you were done, you really have a string of other shit you discovered you still need to do before you get the damn proverbial carrot?
I am not speaking of this in a materialistic way. I mean it on a very deep, personal life achievement level. I guess I have somehow gotten the notion that in life, you set a goal (s), achieve it/them, and then should need little else for a period of time until life changes direction again. You can "take it easy" for awhile. I am discovering my theory about this is crap. Hell's Bells. Now what? Now I have to keep setting goals, achieving them, thinking I'm "done for the moment" only to find out achievement (or lack there of actually) means virtually nothing? Take one thing off your list and find it is always replaced with more?
This move has taught me WAY more than I could even imagine. 46 days in (70 if you count when I landed on California soil) I am happy. I am frustrated. I am (still) scared. I am not settled. I am more impatient then I honestly knew about myself. I am grateful. I am anxious. I am still grieving. I feel profoundly alone in this world. Nothing feels the same without mom. This still feels like a travel assignment. I am still determined. I am learning so much about who I am. I still want to share my life with someone and them reciprocate.
I am still in the end happy to be learning all that I am about life through this experience. Even if it is painful. Even in my tears I have faith. I will continue on my pathway of life. I will not give up. Determined to meet my destiny no matter how discouraged I may at times feel. Determined to make my life my own.
This is so strange (gross understatement). I don't feel home sick even with all the stress and breath holding I am doing. I feel like Charleston is no longer my home. Its where I'm from but that is different. But San Francisco doesn't yet feel like home either. I feel like a woman without a country. Even so, my gut tells me I didn't make a mistake moving here and in due time it may well feel like home.
But in order for this to feel like home it needs to look like home. A full time, benefited job where I don't sweat getting in my hours every day. When I walk through my apartment door it looks like my home with my stuff. Then I can actually begin to evaluate if this is gonna stick. Until then I will continue to challenge myself to not give up and continue to pursue my dreams. Its why I'm here in the first place
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, June 30, 2014
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Apartment Hunting Is Just Around The Corner!
Greetings and Salutations,
This Sunday marks three weeks here and things are falling into place at a rate I can hardly keep up with or believe. The gratitude I feel is simply impossible to express to you. I have two jobs so far that aren't benefited but have plenty of hours for the next several months. I will have a much needed opportunity to catch my breath, catch up on expenses that are racking up, and allow time for something more permanent to work itself out.
I am in the pre-hire process and hoping it will only take two weeks, but could possibly take three (boo). So many steps, but in the end I will be a real employee in another city other than South Carolina. This is the first time this will happen for me. I've always been a travel nurse if not at home.
It is a subtle difference that gives me a sense of deep accomplishment from within. A new way to see myself that I am where I am because of me. Not because of where I was born, my parents (choices), a husband/ boyfriend, just me and my own decisions. I have stepped outside everything I have known to be my life up until this point and pursued my dream of where I wanted to live. Does that all make sense?
I find it very ironic that my place of employment is the same hospital that I worked at the first time I came to San Francisco as a travel nurse fourteen years ago almost to the month. April then, May now. Strange co-inky-dink.... no?
The way I have been treated thus far from both of the managers I will be working for exceeds my expectations. I felt like a duck in water in the interview and felt like I fit in immediately. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away is all I have to say about that. (wow I just connected Star Wars with Forrest Gump LOL).
Next on the list of things "To Do" is housing. Now let me tell you I am S-C-A-R-E-D to get into the apartment search in the City. Its been described in the local papers as a "blood sport" and I am intimidated to say the least. But roll up my sleeves, take a deep breath, and jump in I will (Yoda is that you?). It will be an interesting and entertaining learning curve. I will try to keep my eye centered on the thought of relaxing and knowing it will work out just like it is supposed to. Just let it happen. Deep breath.
I am still very torn about living in Emeryville, just outside the city. I can get twice the space, parking, and a balcony for the same price as a closet in the City, but it isn't-- the City. I am so very torn between the two. Deep breath. I will close my eyes and in the end listen to my inner voice. I trust myself I'll know what to do when its time to decide.
I know one thing. I have a POD full of SHIT waiting on me to be shipped. I have to let go of alot of crap regardless of where I live. Dear Lord in Heaven the process that is before me makes me swimmy headed and nauseous. Deep breath.
No matter, life truly is a journey and I feel very much on the pathway of my life. This experience is teaching me so much. All of the anxiety is worth the learning about life, choices, and rewiring my thought processes. I am learning to have a greater sense of ownership of who I am and who I will shape myself to become. The process of evolving never stops.
Change is difficult and I have to admit this entire process is much harder than I expected. I am learning that no matter how much you plan, it is alot about how you handle the curve balls. Your reactions and decisions to those can ultimately make the outcome of success or failure. It is the harmony you strike within yourself of these two forces that determines your ultimate fate.
Three weeks in and I can with 1,000,000% certainty tell you I have made the right decision. I feel like I have only begun living my destiny. I have nothing but excitement for what is yet to come. Bring it..I'm ready.
Tootles :)
Heather
This Sunday marks three weeks here and things are falling into place at a rate I can hardly keep up with or believe. The gratitude I feel is simply impossible to express to you. I have two jobs so far that aren't benefited but have plenty of hours for the next several months. I will have a much needed opportunity to catch my breath, catch up on expenses that are racking up, and allow time for something more permanent to work itself out.
I am in the pre-hire process and hoping it will only take two weeks, but could possibly take three (boo). So many steps, but in the end I will be a real employee in another city other than South Carolina. This is the first time this will happen for me. I've always been a travel nurse if not at home.
It is a subtle difference that gives me a sense of deep accomplishment from within. A new way to see myself that I am where I am because of me. Not because of where I was born, my parents (choices), a husband/ boyfriend, just me and my own decisions. I have stepped outside everything I have known to be my life up until this point and pursued my dream of where I wanted to live. Does that all make sense?
I find it very ironic that my place of employment is the same hospital that I worked at the first time I came to San Francisco as a travel nurse fourteen years ago almost to the month. April then, May now. Strange co-inky-dink.... no?
The way I have been treated thus far from both of the managers I will be working for exceeds my expectations. I felt like a duck in water in the interview and felt like I fit in immediately. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away is all I have to say about that. (wow I just connected Star Wars with Forrest Gump LOL).
Next on the list of things "To Do" is housing. Now let me tell you I am S-C-A-R-E-D to get into the apartment search in the City. Its been described in the local papers as a "blood sport" and I am intimidated to say the least. But roll up my sleeves, take a deep breath, and jump in I will (Yoda is that you?). It will be an interesting and entertaining learning curve. I will try to keep my eye centered on the thought of relaxing and knowing it will work out just like it is supposed to. Just let it happen. Deep breath.
I am still very torn about living in Emeryville, just outside the city. I can get twice the space, parking, and a balcony for the same price as a closet in the City, but it isn't-- the City. I am so very torn between the two. Deep breath. I will close my eyes and in the end listen to my inner voice. I trust myself I'll know what to do when its time to decide.
I know one thing. I have a POD full of SHIT waiting on me to be shipped. I have to let go of alot of crap regardless of where I live. Dear Lord in Heaven the process that is before me makes me swimmy headed and nauseous. Deep breath.
No matter, life truly is a journey and I feel very much on the pathway of my life. This experience is teaching me so much. All of the anxiety is worth the learning about life, choices, and rewiring my thought processes. I am learning to have a greater sense of ownership of who I am and who I will shape myself to become. The process of evolving never stops.
Change is difficult and I have to admit this entire process is much harder than I expected. I am learning that no matter how much you plan, it is alot about how you handle the curve balls. Your reactions and decisions to those can ultimately make the outcome of success or failure. It is the harmony you strike within yourself of these two forces that determines your ultimate fate.
Three weeks in and I can with 1,000,000% certainty tell you I have made the right decision. I feel like I have only begun living my destiny. I have nothing but excitement for what is yet to come. Bring it..I'm ready.
Tootles :)
Heather
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
I'mmmm Here (Said In My Best Poltergeist Voice)
Greetings and Salutations, (this was written Sunday)
It has been one week today that I arrived in California. I am so very excited but I have to admit out loud that I am taken mildly aback that I still have some adjusting to the culture shock that is San Francisco and California. It has been five years since I have lived here and I thought that totally counted. I have humbly discovered that even with prior experience, there is still plenty of readjusting ahead of me.
I have been spending time this week thinking about how change effects us. Even self inflicted, change is stressful. In order to have the best experience possible while on this journey of change I will redirect my brain gently back to the present as much as possible when I get worked up about the next step before I get to it. Wondering when I will get a full time job. Worrying about the slightly (tongue in cheek) overwhelming process of deciding what part of the city, including outside of it, to live. Will I run out of savings before I land a job. One thing at a time. Breathe.
Change. Its a challenging, often difficult to process to navigate. We naturally long for predictability in our lives. It makes us feel safe and secure. I guess that is a perspective I have never thought about until now. Change as a process, not just a feeling to be rated from 0-10 scale of unbearable to most comfortable. It really is a process that you have to go through to get to the other side.
That is why your temperament has everything to do with your interpretation of the effect the process has on you. One man's trench to wallow in is another man's mountain to conquer. Crappy all the way or surrender best you can and become one with the process. The choice, while rarely easy nor completely impossible is simply, complicatedly (is this a word?) up to the individual. Nothing is forever and what was uncomfortable yesterday with patience becomes tomorrows pleasure. I chose to see the mountain.
This morning while I was eating breakfast I was enjoying TV (I haven't had cable since June last year). I was surfing and settled on a sermon with Joel OSteen already in progress.
It was about being satisfied where ever you are in your current season (of life) even if it isn't quite where you want to be. To not fall into the trap of the proverbial carrot that dangles in front of you of contentment/satisfaction. If I get____, then I will be happy. If I get this or that job or this or that apartment/house then I'll be happy. Problem is human nature teaches us (if we pay attention) "then" never comes. Its always replaced with something else. We can get stuck in a life of discontentment/dissatisfaction. This was a very timely sermon. It reminded me of where I honestly do try to keep myself. Satisfaction with the moment I am in, while still keeping my eye on the goal.
No matter how long it takes you to attain the goals you set for yourself in life never stop trying to get there. I can honestly say that if I wasn't as driven as I was for some things I can't even explain, I would have never made this move to California. I would have changed my mind a multitude of times along the way.
I am still scared now. I just keep forging ahead. I will see this through success or fail. What I am trying to say is your journey has to be your own. It has to have meaning and have teeth for you and no one else. When you get scared and want to chicken out along the way, you have to have the fortitude to stick with your original plan because of what it means to you. That comes only from within you.
I will take the time to remind myself when I get scared of the changes I am under going, it is a process like anything else in life and this too shall pass. This too shall improve and get better with time. I need to be as relaxed as possible to make the best choices along the way I can so that the outcome exceeds my expectations and fears. How can I really lose if I exceed either one of those two things?
Tootles :)
Heather
It has been one week today that I arrived in California. I am so very excited but I have to admit out loud that I am taken mildly aback that I still have some adjusting to the culture shock that is San Francisco and California. It has been five years since I have lived here and I thought that totally counted. I have humbly discovered that even with prior experience, there is still plenty of readjusting ahead of me.
I have been spending time this week thinking about how change effects us. Even self inflicted, change is stressful. In order to have the best experience possible while on this journey of change I will redirect my brain gently back to the present as much as possible when I get worked up about the next step before I get to it. Wondering when I will get a full time job. Worrying about the slightly (tongue in cheek) overwhelming process of deciding what part of the city, including outside of it, to live. Will I run out of savings before I land a job. One thing at a time. Breathe.
Change. Its a challenging, often difficult to process to navigate. We naturally long for predictability in our lives. It makes us feel safe and secure. I guess that is a perspective I have never thought about until now. Change as a process, not just a feeling to be rated from 0-10 scale of unbearable to most comfortable. It really is a process that you have to go through to get to the other side.
That is why your temperament has everything to do with your interpretation of the effect the process has on you. One man's trench to wallow in is another man's mountain to conquer. Crappy all the way or surrender best you can and become one with the process. The choice, while rarely easy nor completely impossible is simply, complicatedly (is this a word?) up to the individual. Nothing is forever and what was uncomfortable yesterday with patience becomes tomorrows pleasure. I chose to see the mountain.
This morning while I was eating breakfast I was enjoying TV (I haven't had cable since June last year). I was surfing and settled on a sermon with Joel OSteen already in progress.
It was about being satisfied where ever you are in your current season (of life) even if it isn't quite where you want to be. To not fall into the trap of the proverbial carrot that dangles in front of you of contentment/satisfaction. If I get____, then I will be happy. If I get this or that job or this or that apartment/house then I'll be happy. Problem is human nature teaches us (if we pay attention) "then" never comes. Its always replaced with something else. We can get stuck in a life of discontentment/dissatisfaction. This was a very timely sermon. It reminded me of where I honestly do try to keep myself. Satisfaction with the moment I am in, while still keeping my eye on the goal.
No matter how long it takes you to attain the goals you set for yourself in life never stop trying to get there. I can honestly say that if I wasn't as driven as I was for some things I can't even explain, I would have never made this move to California. I would have changed my mind a multitude of times along the way.
I am still scared now. I just keep forging ahead. I will see this through success or fail. What I am trying to say is your journey has to be your own. It has to have meaning and have teeth for you and no one else. When you get scared and want to chicken out along the way, you have to have the fortitude to stick with your original plan because of what it means to you. That comes only from within you.
I will take the time to remind myself when I get scared of the changes I am under going, it is a process like anything else in life and this too shall pass. This too shall improve and get better with time. I need to be as relaxed as possible to make the best choices along the way I can so that the outcome exceeds my expectations and fears. How can I really lose if I exceed either one of those two things?
Tootles :)
Heather
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)