Thoughts Of Grief

Greetings and Salutations
     Its been two weeks and I am still waiting for that gust of wind to come back into my sails.. I feel dead in the water and really dislike feeling as depressed as I have been.. It is a combination of a few things all happening at once.. Some work issues flared up (already done and over with) but have left me with a lingering sour taste in my heart.. That is the least source of my depression.. Mostly I am having a tough time dealing with the death of mom again.. The 20th will be five months since she died.. I feel lost (again).. I need and want to find where I belong in this world and what the purpose of my life is..
     Mourning is an interesting thing when you have zero experience with it.. Mostly for me I would describe it as a leak, much like air coming from a balloon you held between your fingers when you were a kid.. Trying to see how slowly you could let the air out without deflating the balloon all at once.. It is odd to observe various thoughts and feelings as they work their way to the surface without your permission.. To loose control of your emotions for an extended period of time.. I cry these days if the wind blows too hard LOL.. I can't express my thoughts or feelings without crying, verbally or written.. This is seriously beginning to get on my last nerve.. Where do you go when you get on your own nerves?
     It isn't that I don't want to "deal with it".. I just know that the only thing I have in my favor to make it better is time, and lots of it.. My mom is gone and nothing but time is going to make me feel how ever better I eventually will feel.. I am discovering all the hidden sources of my mom's presence in my life that was impossible to see when she was alive.. I am still learning how much my mother was apart of who I am.. For example: I never knew how much mom was tied to my enjoyment of yard work.. It no longer feels the same when I stand alone in my yard, the only one with a rake in my hands.. We shared an extraordinary amount of time talking about life in my yard.. I never realized just how much of a beacon my mom was in my life.. I am naturally questioning who am I without her.
    Where do I fit in?  Where do I belong? In Charleston? In California? What would I do if I threw caution to the wind and did exactly what I wanted to this very moment? I would quit my job.. I'd make my rounds to ALL my friends in the United States and then I would board a plane to Europe.. I'd come back when I was done, how ever long that would be.. Then I would lick my finger and point it to the sky.. Let the wind and my feelings determine what to do next.. Sitting here, behind a computer I have no idea what would be.. Settle back in Charleston? Move to San Francisco? Go back to school and get my BSN or master's? Change jobs entirely?
     It crosses my mind that most of my thoughts are an attempt at escape from the pain that I am feeling.. Where ever you go there you are isn't a phrase that is lost on me.. It is part of what keeps me from walking out the front door and never looking back.. I also have a responsibility to my dog that I love dearly and to to a life I have been working hard to create for myself.. I have always been blessed with a level head and I pray to God I don't lose that gift that has served me so well in my life.. Don't get me wrong, I have made stupid-ass decisions.. I speak about the Forrest, not the trees.. I am at a cross roads in my life and I will do my best to think it through wisely before I chose my path.. For today, I will give myself permission to be sad.. To be depressed and feel it.. To work my way through the process.. I will try and give myself permission to cry as much and as often as I need..
     Time will heal me.. I will know what to do when the time is right and that time isn't now.. I will wait out the knee-jerk response.. Its kinda like jonesing for a cigarette.. If you don't wait out the intense urge to light up, you will never quit.. The urge will pass if you wait it out.. This isn't really any different.. I can and will do anything I set my mind to do.. I pray God gives me the strength to make this a positive turning point in my life and not waste my opportunity of awareness.. I want to live a life that was worth it and discover my place in this world.. The hope I have for myself is the tenacity I need to find light in the darkness that currently engulfs me..

Tootles :)
Heather