Singleness Is a Delicate Perspective

 Greetings and Salutations,

Ahhh. Another day in Covid paradise (eye roll emoji). So tonight I have a few disclaimers which I don't usually do, nor do I particularly like to do, but I feel it's necessary.  Should I say you, I really most likely mean me. This blog is written from my perspective, duh. But on a deeper level, I never mean my experience has to be yours. I also don't mean that my perspective is the only one, nor where I may attribute to where I learned things from, my place of origin, is the only place on the earth that it can come from. It's a big world out there and I think we have more in common that what makes us different. I just mean this is what I think and how I see my world. I hope you can relate on what ever level strikes a cord with you. Ok. enough with the fine print. Let's do this.

In what I see is evolving with my blog, this is a series of ways to say thanks Covid, you bitch..... I want to say well.... thanks.

Singleness. Aloneness that comes along with singleness. I was talking with a dear friend tonight and we were talking about doing this Covid world alone vs being with someone. Having a partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, roommate, husband, wife blah blah blah. It made me thing about societal norms. Society is an amazing thing. It can give you a sense of belonging. It is also a double edge sword. It can also make you feel alienated. Maybe the society where you live accepts people who are alittle heavy physically. Maybe they (society) accept people who are more physically fit and places extra worth on youth, and outward physical fitness, or financial wealth. Maybe it's outdoor activities. Maybe it's having a family with kids. The list goes on and on.

I grew up in a society in The South that shunned being an adult (and by adult I mean over 24) and still single. 99%, so it seemed, of the population was (and still is according to Say Yes To The Dress Episodes I watch) married at 21-22. Surely something is wrong with you if your well into your 30s or 40s or 50s and still single, bless your heart (eye roll emoji). I mean come on. (Outward) success, according to what I observed in life was/is marriage in your early twenties, kids, a big house, nice car, picket fence blah blah. You know, the whole sha-bang. My life has never looked like that. Really ever. Sure, I had my shining moment when I was 22 I got married and tried to go down that yellow brick road. Only problem was, at 26 I found myself (secretly and also check in the box ) happily divorced and then wasn't sure what would be next. I figured surely I would find someone else to marry and do the whole life picture so I would look like my neighbors. No one would wonder what was wrong with me. I would look like everyone else. Measure my success in life by other people's yard stick

I'm 50 and that has yet to happen for me. I am still single and learning how to revel in that fact. I have learned to think or say "make friends with my singleness". I said to my friend tonight the honest truth is that I feel like a failure because I am still single after all this time (if I look to outward ques). To back up a bit for those who don't personally know me. I am VERY goal oriented. To a fault often. It is both a super human power ( think "Wonder Twins Power Activate" "Shape of" for those who watched The Justice League on Saturday mornings LOL) and equal parts a curse to some degree. It's one of two things. Success or failure. This is changing for me thank Holy Mother of Pearl. I am learning that for as much as society may place the blue ribbon on marriage, partnership, kids, house, and a dog, I am no less "successful" because I am single. 

I get to sleep in, watch what I want on TV 100% of the time, eat what I want, make dinner, skip dinner, listen to music of my choice, travel where my hearts desire, and fart and laugh when I want, etc etc. I have traveled many places in the world and met and made awesome friends because I am single. People tend to leave you to yourselves when you are coupled up. Travel alone and they tend to take you under their wings. No better place (which has been proved time and time again when I have traveled abroad alone) has re-proven this to me than when I have camped alone. People seem to open up their hearts and camp fire to me when I'm the only one around my own fire ring.

Look, it's not a pissing match. Single or in a relationship. One is not "better" or "worse" than the other. Today I have acknowledged that in my own personal life I have rated it a life "F" because I am still single at 50. I haven't said that out loud until tonight. It sounded as silly as it reads now. There is nothing "wrong" with me. I am not unlovable. I am quite the opposite. I am very lovable. I have also realized I can only say I am alone physically. I have such an awesome network of friends, all of whom, if I can share what they tell me, love me very much. I can reach out in moments of happiness, despair or emptiness and they celebrate and/or support me. Fill my emotional tanks again and remind me of who I am thru their eyes. I am always in honest and sincere awe to hear a friend tell me how they see me. I aspire to see what they see. I am learning to see and maybe more importantly feel what they see in me. 

To any one out there that is single and especially struggling in these Covid times, take this once in a lifetime opportunity to learn about who you are. I won't lie. It's F^%ing hard a$$ work. You won't like all you learn along the way, but then you start to arrive to your core. It's like the eye of a hurricane. Quite and the sun is shinning. The storms on either side are just part of the beauty. Self love is an amazing thing. Discover yourself in the absence of a relationship and all the strings that come with it. Teach yourself to celebrate who and what you are. Learn what makes you tick. Learn to truly love yourself. Warts and all.

Even as I write this my core belief on relationships is that life is better when you spend it with someone you deeply love. A sunset is richer and more beautiful when you can share it with someone else sitting beside you, holding your hand. Maybe we (I) will never have this. Maybe we (I) are destined to be alone in this world. But if you have true friends and/or family that both love and adore you (as you do them) and yourself, are we (I) really alone? I propose only in the physical sense which is a new concept for me.

You never ever know where lightening will strike. Maybe when we (I) are authentically at peace within our own skin and finding comfort in that space is there truly room for someone else. Maybe that is what they mean when they say "love will find you when you least expect it". I hate that adage. How do you not seek what you truly desire? But for sure it makes this come to mind by Henry David Thoreau: " Happiness is a butterfly which, when pursued is always beyond our grasp, but which, if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you". Maybe the "sit quietly" in this case, is with ourselves. 

Tootles :)~

Heather

Always Find Reasons To Say Thanks

 Greetings and Salutations,

Hi there! Wow. It's been a hot minute since I wrote last. There is much I could say about my absence, how much I have say tonight, how much has been on my mind, or I could just get to it. I'll do the latter. Hope you have all been making it thru these COVID days and nights and doing the best you can.  I would actually like to thank COVID. Without it, I am 110% positive I wouldn't be where I am in this moment.  But more about that later. Lets do this!

  So for me, It's been six long ass, painful months in this Covid process and where my life has been and where it is right now.  I spent six months in crisis mode.  Not knowing nor trusting what the next moment would bring me.  My hours at work have changed. Less. Hell, for awhile I had to be SUPER creative to find hours.  Now, that has passed and I am left with less hours overall than I had available to me pre-covid. I have learned to get creative and be much more purposeful with my money, which I needed to get back to anyway.  So that is another Covid thank you.  Thank you for bringing me back to what I needed to be doing all along financially.

Another Covid thank you.  I have learned so many incredible things about myself.  Many things I think without this F%^ed up (Covid) experience I may have either learned years down the road, if ever. What inspired me to blog tonight is an overwhelming feeling of  "I like myself".  In a way I never have before tonight. Simple, clear, easy for some, but a journey in life for myself.  Without getting too tangled up in the disclaimers.  Yes. I like myself.  Yes I even love myself.  I have many attributes I can recognize within me.  But the "Heather" that people see is much different than I  what see reflected back in the mirror or even my minds eye of who I am.  But as usual, I want to go much much deeper than that with you tonight.

I live alone. I am a VERY gregarious person. Think a sheet cake of gregariousness with sprinkles on top of needing alone time (which I do need in small frequent doses).  I am not here to cry a river any different that anyone else.  But this blog is about life and things from my perspective which is what I plan to discuss. Living alone in isolation has taken it's toll on me.  I will stick to not the things that seem obvious, but to things I have learned personally about myself.

In being stripped of all things Heather: travel, planning travel, traveling alone, traveling with family, or friends, meeting new people, being in new cultures, and the high/intoxication that comes with all of what travel gives me has been soul crushing.  Make no mistake: I work to live, not the other way around.

In addition I can't take a single class in person.  Cooking, knitting, macramé. zip.  The "loss" of my friends that I had actually worked quite hard to find (and I did in a knitting class for example). And some of those friends I actually have loss and possibly will never see again because of Covid (they may never teach classes again, never take that class again, or simply move on in life as we do).  I live off hugs.  Long ones.  I so miss physical contact (and I don't mean PHYSICAL contact. That is a different blog hahahaha).  I had worked to find my fix for that too.  I had certain people I would seek out I knew would ALWAYS greet me with a hug.  That's gone too.  So much more, but I will keep my list manageable.  So you may be asking WTF am I "thanking Covid" for.

I have chosen to go within and learn about who I am and what I'm all about.  I don't feel like I've had much of a choice.  Let me explain. Hang on as I repeat myself. I can't travel (my PASSION and reason for being alive), take classes, hang out with friends, get hugs, or bury my sorrows, anxiety, depression, or happiness at a bar for hours on end.  I can't go to a bar and wonder if by some WILD accident I will run into the man of my dreams who just happens to be out as well. I no longer wear "normal" clothes, put on make up or fix my hair.  I can't plan my way out of a world wide shut down.  I can't get around lines to the grocery store, lack of toilet paper, or the coin shortage in a time when I actually need quarters to do laundry (insert GIANT eye roll emoji). All I have day in and day out after work is ME. Heather minus all (good and bad) distractions.  Places that I used to hide.  In plain site or not.  I used to elect not to get "fixed up" and go out for a night "on the town".   Now, I can't imagine doing that even if I could (and some places you can). 

I have started painting and drawing.  I've discovered I have a passion for watercolor painting.  Was 110% convinced I could neither draw nor paint.  I am creative, but "not like that".  That takes "major" talent.  Guess what?  I'm better at both than I ever imagined.  Guess what else?  I didn't know I had a passion for (especially watercolor) painting.  Don't get me wrong, I like acrylic too.  But watercolors make my pupils dilate and make a warm hot place in my heart AND soul. I smile and talk to myself while I do it.  I laugh and feel JOY when I watch You Tube tutorials and watch a piece come to life.  I don't think if I hadn't been forced to be still and alone for months on F'Ning end I would have discovered this about me.

I don't want to make this blog too long.  There is much more I have to say about the things I have learned about myself during these past six months. In the stillness, profound isolation, and craziness of it all I have finally surfaced and am ready to get back to living and better yet thriving.  Drawing and painting is far from the depth I have gone within, but it is a light I wanted to share that filtered to the top tonight.  I suspect it is because I am really proud of my self discovery without it being so "heavy", goal driven, or a check list (as is all my habit).  Just pure and creative. Involuntary joy seeping out of me via the tip of a paint brush.  This found its way thru many, many tears and moments I thought quite honestly thought I was about to loose my shit.  Reaching out and leaning on my friends and family in ways in all my years on the planet I never have.   Felt like a failure for not being as resilient as I thought I was (and am).

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.  It is forever a debt of gratitude.  I could only hope my thoughts, failures, successes, and honesty in the journey that is my life, any piece or part,  would resonate with you. Please be kind to yourself during these pivotal times. For many of us, this is uncharted territory. Our darkest times and we aren't confident of the outcome personally.  Can we weather this storm?  It may look very different from anything else (crisis) you've experienced before now.  For others, this is but a minor blip as you've weathered much worse in your life.  I so admire your strength to know "I got this" is your core mantra because you have lived thru worse personal shitstorms.  I can't wait to take on the next challenge in my life with the confidence living thru this experience has given me.  I am (finally) learning and preparing in current times for those future challenges that I know are on the horizon even when I can't see them today.  Yet another Covid "Thank you"

So how do I draw the line back to " I like me" after all that?  Well, after six months of hanging out with only me day in and day F'Ning out I had two basic choices. Love me, or hate me.  Turns out I like me afterall.  I really do.  And thats a solid ass start to truly loving myself because I'm a "great things are built on a solid foundation" kinda chick. And almost all life long love starts with like. 

Tootles :)~

Heather

 

Don't Forget The Little Things.... They Can Mean A lot

Greeting and Salutations,
  Hi.  Hope you are all awesome.  Lets get to it, shall we?  As I have been thinking enthusiastically about blogging I have pictured writing the first series of blogs in perfect chronological order.  Then I quickly got swimmy headed (and nauseous) as I wasn't sure where to begin. Where is the perfect place to start?  What is the perfect lead into what I want to blog to you about?  How will I know what to say next and then after that and after that?  Then I took a step back (and a deep breath) and realized that there is no perfect place to start. I'll know what to say next because it's what will come out of my head and onto this screen at that moment and then the next.
  Life isn't perfect. Its out of order.  Sometimes messy.  Sometimes you hit the nail on the head and other times you smash your finger.  I'm learning life has such a different appearance when you let go of chasing perfection (spoiler alert: perfect doesn't exist).  A life of imperfection is something I will spend a lot of time talking about over the coming weeks. Tonight ain't one of those nights :)
  Last week, after quarantining myself in my apartment for several days after being sick I finally got out (no cooties, I wasn't contagious) and went shopping with my wonderful niece.  It was a three-fer.  Spent time with her, got her out of her apartment too, and did alittle shopping at the same time.  After all, you need a partner in crime when you shop don't you?  I have a pretty long list of things I have been needing to buy for my apartment basically since I moved in on May 2, 2014. Little finishing stuff like kitchen rugs (finally found one I really liked), anti slip mats for underneath ones in the bedroom and the closet etc etc.  They have been sliding around and getting on my nerves for four plus years (ridiculous 🙄).
  Let me back track just a minute to give you context for the upcoming Epiphany I had the other night while putting away my loot from the store.  I love San Francisco. I love my apartment.  I love all three of my jobs.  I love the neighborhood I live in (for most at first blush, you'd freak. It's in the Tenderloin.  One of those "don't judge a book by its cover" places, but that's another blog for another time LOL).  I love my life and I'm grateful for everything in it good or bad, happy or sad.  There has been one thing, however I haven't been able to wrap my head around and fully understand until last week.
  often  OK I fully admit, on average 95% of the time I have been having a major problem with the Juju of my apartment for the vibe it gives me.  At work I think of all the things I want to do when I get home and yet all too often I do exactly nothing.  Not one thing and I'm not talking about being too tired from work to do anything.  I walk in the door and suddenly I'm overwhelmed.  A darkness falls over me and all I want to do is bury myself in TV.  I sometimes tell myself I'll head out for something fun to do or errands "in alittle while". I never do.  I have basic and important errands I need to accomplish like replacing a worn out pair of shoes for work or an everyday pair that I've worn out as well. Groceries etc.  I don't do it.  Its daunting to think about all I need to do and how long it will take to do it, so over and over again I choose nothing.  I go on vacation and this feeling evaporates. That's because not only is it one of my happiest places on earth (vacation), but I'm not surrounded by "my stuff". Its like I love everything about my apartment except what feels often like 99% of what I have in it.  Its difficult to describe.
  Like everyone else, even in a studio apartment, its easy to collect things you don't need or that don't actually serve you.  I buy very little, but habits are sometimes hard to keep broken.  Looking around on any given day I am also reminded about what I brought with me from South Carolina when I moved to San Francisco.  Some things have ghosts attached from my past life (metaphorical, not real don't worry 👻 LOL).
  As part of the what seems like a lifelong and ongoing purging process, a few weeks ago (it had been on my " To Do" list for months if not at least a year) I finally got the push I needed from watching Marie Kondo's first season on Netflix "Tidy Up".  Reading (part of) her book was a much different experience than watching an episode. It clicked watching it vs reading it.  Anyway, I wanted to tweak her advise of how to go about purging with something that worked better for me.  Instead of gathering all the "books" in my apartment (she touts doing objects vs location ie ALL clothes ALL books vs your bedroom or closet etc) I started in my bedroom. No disrespect to Ms Kondo, but I know myself better than she does.
  I touched EVERYTHING. Thought I'd get rid of a book or two for sure.  I got rid of seventeen.  Now everything in that room serves me TODAY.  Not the life I had before in South Carolina.  Not what appealed to me years ago even post move.  Books from years and years ago at the time I bought for a dollar I knew odds are I'd never read.  But at the time, I had more bookshelves.  I had more room, but that's not really the point it is?  They no longer serve me.  I no longer want them and many, many other things I touched.  Some things I got rid of I've had for more years than I care to admit to.  No longer.  Not one thing remains I don't want or can use or truly love.  It felt as if I shed a hundred pounds (or more) of mental baggage.
  So let me bring us back to that night last week.  I finally realized why I have felt such an overwhelming, depressing, darkness, can't breath, paralyzing feeling come over me when I walk in the door of my awesome apartment.  I bought organizers for the utensil drawer (yes, directly inspired by Ms Kondo) and I was arranging things just so.  I looked around. The kitchen felt as awesome as my bedroom and then it hit me.  Physically I moved in May 2, 2014.  The night this all happened, January 20, 2019 I moved in mentally and emotionally.  I never really moved in in 2014.  I was still grieving the loss of my mom and sorting thru the major transition of picking up my life and starting all over.  I have begun the process of making room for who I am today by letting go of the past in the form of a book, or trinket that no longer serves me or makes me happy.  Physical and mental clutter and baggage are disappearing and its AMAZING.
  I have the rest of the apartment to do and while its daunting to touch everything you own the payoff is immeasurable.  Last week I realized with the small touches, a new rug here, an organized drawer there, I didn't just move here, I LIVE here now. This IS home and these are the things I choose today to surround myself with.  Some are old and some are new.  Some things I've had for decades.  The feelings of overwhelming, depressing, darkness, and can't breath, and totally paralyzed seem to be all but evaporating in front of my eyes.  I just Googled the definition of Epiphany.  I didn't realize it, but apparently it has many different meanings.  I like this one I just read in the book " You are a Badass" by Jen Sincero.  GET THIS BOOK.  Anyway, I love her definition: "An epiphany is a visceral understanding of something you already know". I think that is a fitting definition.  Don't you? 💕

Tootles 😜🤓
Heather