Frustration Strikes Again

Greetings and Salutations--
     Well I think I might be dangerous with the combination of a little sleep and watching Breaking Dawn Part 2 at home...alone :)  So here goes nothing.. I have no idea if this happens to most people but music gives me an endorphin high, and often.. I know I have mentioned this before, but the mood I am in tonight calls for a repeat of the topic but with expounded thought.. Here is to saying something that I haven't before (I hope) Funny thing is I didn't realize how often I can make it happen.. Not every time but just about.. I always thought it was brought on mostly by a mood that had to be preexisting, followed by the release.. Now I can listen to music and it gets my synaptic cleft more active than The 405 (Interstate) in Los Angeles during rush hour  :)   It is like a drug coursing through my veins..  Imagine all of the movies that you have ever seen where the person transforms.. Were they show a metamorphosis of someone in a wave that crosses over their skin or body. That is how I feel when music washes over me like honey, sticking to every pore enveloping me in warmth and happiness..
     It is an odd feeling to have the sensation that the thoughts of my dreams make me feel as if I could supply power to lower Manhattan and yet want to give up at the same time.. I think this is the gulf where most of us give up on our dreams of change and desires and return to the familiar grounds of our old comfort zone.. Where is it familiar and boring.. I refuse to do that, although I am at the point where I am uber frustrated with all of the thoughts and ideas that bang around in my mind that haven't come to fruition.. I feel like if what I have inside me doesn't find its way out and be able to be expressed that I will explode..
     Professionally, finding where I really belong and can be super creative and be rewarded for that both on a personal and financial level.. I want financial freedom and I know, don't we all.. But I want to not stop until I achieve it.. I want to figure out how to actually make it happen, not just wish it to be.. Personally, I feel like if I could talk to a man and he could get into my brain I would blow him away with my thoughts and ideas of life, and the kind of life I want to share with someone.. It is about wanting to share my worth with a special man.. I want to find that needle in a haystack.
     I can't help feeling every day I am destined for something different than what I am doing now.. In both of the arenas that I am speaking of.. That is why it isn't about me needing a man to make me feel "loved" or not "lonely".. I truly feel I don't "need" a relationship I WANT one.. Oh the difference that I feel.. I see finding the man of my dreams absolutely equal to finding the job of my dreams.. Is it a fantasy to find either? Maybe this strong desire is a mirage from all of the changes I am challenging myself to undergo.. Maybe it is something to entertain my brain since the reality of it all is that I will never find that dream job and I will settle for the next dude that comes along, whether he is someone I would truly want or is right for me.. I'll hang onto whom ever the wind blows my way.. I will keep doing this job and feel under stimulated and non creative.. I will work Monday through Friday for the next 23 years and retire when I am 65.. yee flipping haw.. I can hardly wait for tomorrow to come.. Another day of hum drum and same old same old.. Are you fricking kidding me? I'll pass  :)
     So I guess the end thought is how to figure out how to not only not give up, but how to stay creative and seek out what I/you desire most-- your/my destiny.. Can you find it, or does it have to find you instead? How do the people who live their dreams everyday find that? luck? Can you cultivate patience and if so how? Maybe that is the next wave of books I need to read.. How to help Destiny along without driving yourself or those around you crazy..  Any ideas?

Tootles  :)
Heather