My Gifts To Myself

Greetings and Salutations,

     I hope that things are progressing in your life as you dreamed or you are hard at work if you don't reside in the life that you want for yourself.. I am here this week in my life, putting back the pieces and moving forward after the loss of my mother.. Things are still a bit foggy for me in my heart and mind but I am taking this week (off) after her services to get my head put back on straight and move forward with my life as both of us would want.. I am blessed with the experiences that I have had and continue to have in the grieving process.. I have kept my mind and heart open and allowed things to unfold infront of me.. I could not of planned the smoothness in which each event has happened such as helping to plan the services, to shopping for my dress.. From the woman at the salon who fixed my hair for me and treated me with loving care to how time kindly slowed to never rush me or let me feel frazzled.. I was able to complete all the things I needed to do in order to prepare for her service.. I, along with my step dad and sister, spoke at her funeral.. My backyard deck looks like Hyam's Garden Center (well, almost) and I have had many moments of feeling my mom's presence while gardening.. 

     I have spent the time during her illness and since her death quietly listening to my inner voice and taking care of myself.. I have wonderful friends that I owe a total debt of gratitude for checking in on me, letting me cry in their presence, both in person and on the phone, and crying with me.. My mom was a magical person and I have been approached by many people in businesses that she frequented and had them share with me what my mom meant to them.. I have great memories of my mom and have done things to remember the passing of my mother's life with happiness and joy, not just sorrow..

     I bought a windchime today after carefully parousing for the one that would "speak to me".. I finally found it after a week and every time I hear it from this day forward it will make me smile and think of my mom.. In my mind it will be her talking to me and looking over my life.. Reminding me that she is never far away and that one day, not a moment before it is my time, I will see her again..  Those of you who know me personally know that I love classical music.. I had to chose only 25 minutes of what would represent my mom through music for the seating portion of the services.. It was a challenge until I closed my eyes and let the decision come from my heart.. I want to share the list with you.. Canon in D --Pachelbel (Sally Harmon version) //Windmills of My Mind (Sally Harmon version) All I Ask of You (Sally Harmon version Phantom of The Opera)// Music of The Night (Sally Harmon version Phantom of The Opera)//The Arrival of A Friend (Sally Harmon)// Joie de Vivre (Sally Harmon)//Killing Me Softly (Roberta Flack--a super fav of moms)// You Raise Me Up (Josh Groban).. Check it out and hope you enjoy it..

     I encourage each and everyone of you to find yourselves.. Find out who you are.. How to confort yourself in times when you are sad, life is screwing with you, or grief stricken.. Begin the journey of self actualization so that your life can be abundant with joy even in times of sorrow.. Bad times befall us all and I can't imagine what this would have begun to feel like if I hadn't started that journey a few years ago, but in earnest last May.. I have been able to cope with this most difficult time in my life by knowing myself and what I needed to heal intuitively.. I took time off from work because everyone I know that has had a death of a loved one and did not allow themselves to process it and grieve has paid for it dearly.. The road to recovery has been long for them and I want more for myself.. Pay now or pay later.. I chose to take time now so that the cost is minimal.. 

     I choose to practice healthy habits to deal with the pain and sadness such as acupuncture, yoga, music, and being social with my friends.. I have drank very little alcohol to my amazement actually.. I haven't started to smoke again (really can't believe that one) and I am plotting what I need to do to take my life to the next level of my dreams and desires.. I will look back on all of this as positive as possible.. To build on this for my future and know what I am made of.. I feel this is yet another brick in the foundation of who Heather is and will become..

     I have been on two dates with a fella and have a third planned tonight.. I have no idea where it will go but I am excited about the journey of discovering someone to spend time with and the possibilities of a relationship.. I finally feel a comfort in someone's presence I haven't felt, possibly ever.. I am beyond proud of myself of what has come out of my mouth in articulating my needs and wants out of a relationship with someone.. I really know what I want and see it so clearly now I feel fortunate it took this long.. I am in the moment I am meant to be.. This experience with my two dates thus far validates the existence of what I am looking for in a man.. I went out on the first date (with this fella) the day after mom died because I read the "tea leaves" and knew doing the opposite of what I was feeling was the right thing to do.. Mom wanted nothing more than for me to find love and be with someone that I could share myself with.. I think this just might be the first order of business my mom is doing for me in Heaven.. It is so something she would do.. I love her and will miss her deeply for the rest of my days..

Tootles :)

Heather