What Does Going Back To School, Rocks, and Self Refection Have In Common?

 Greetings and Salutations,

 Dear Holy Mother of the Nazarene, I just had to enlarge the page zooming in (125%) to see this easier. Let's have a moment of silence for that major adulting moment, please, LOL. Well, actually, this is a great lead-in for what I want to blog about. As I always do nearly every day, I have been thinking about blogging again regularly. Two backstories first before we get going. As always, I hope this finds you all doing well, and life is getting better 15 months into this pandemic. While some may think it's completely over because we are all exhausted, we are now left with the task of processing the emotional toll we have been left to sort through. This is the next phase of the pandemic as I see it. 

Additionally, I want to warn you that this may be triggering for some people. I will be discussing topics including mortality, grief, end-of-life issues, pondering my own aging process, and what this all looks like to me. Childhood memories of the painful variety may surface as well, and I just want to let you know all this up-front. It isn't anything gruesome (legit concern being that I am a nurse, after all, LOL), but just triggering for some non the less and I want to be cognizant of that fact. I encourage those to read further if you are curious, maybe in the same or similar place I am, looking at a mini life review and contemplating what life processing looks like from someone else's perspective or any of the topics I mentioned that I will talk about in this particular blog. 

 Back story number one: I have been doing The Commit 30 journal this year for the first time. Yes. Still going strong in July despite several bobbles along the way (the second move in seven months in the pandemic, an additional temporary five-month job in addition to my regular two, started school, and a few nervous breakdowns thrown in for good measure, but more on that in another day 😳LOL). Just think bullet journal but with a little more direction. You pick the goal (s). Get your action steps written out to help you be successful, and determine how often (weekly) you want to do said goal (daily, two times, three times a week, etc.). For those of you who know me personally, I am EXTREMELY (putting it mildly) goal-oriented.  You can use lots of stickers for your progress as you see fit and ones that have positive and encouraging phrases on them. I just love that release of serotonin and dopamine when I put a sticker in my journal. Lord knows I love emojis 💕. Anyway, so for July, I have decided to blog again. Weekly is the goal but more if I get a bee 🐝 in my bonnet.

OK, now onto the second backstory. I've been a Registered Nurse for twenty-eight and a half years. I have my ADN, which is a two-year degree that I obtained in 1992. In 1996, I made a good intended stab at going back to school to get my BSN (four-year degree, same end game of still being a Registered Nurse), but life got in the way. I intended to go back but eventually vowed, past a certain point in my career, never to return to school again (nuts and bolts of the decision).  Via a long story that isn't germane to this conversation, on January 4th, 2021, I enrolled in an online RN to BSN program. I figured with where we were (and still basically are by my estimation) in the pandemic, my ass wasn't traveling wold-wide to anywhere in the next year. No time that the present to go back to school. I'm far enough in the pandemic mentally to handle learning and the like. I'll spare you the gory details about how pro-educational I am but how much I detest 100% online learning. And the fact that I am an electronic dinosaur. It hasn't been a learning curve, it's been a learning vertical wall, about the height of Mt Everest, or so it feels. It's better than almost three months ago, which is to say it still sucks ass, and I hate it, but it's a little better LOL. I'll be fully in the swing in another three months. Anyway. So I chose " Care of the Older Adult," thinking it would be a pretty easy choice to get back into the swing of school and learning. In April, if you had told me what this course would bring out in me personally, I would have told you that you are more insane than I am. Today, however, I see it as a perfectly timed experience and lessons brought to me by The Universe. The questions I have been pondering have started to get answered with this class and my journey through it.

More than thirty years ago, I started my healthcare journey. While much of this current course has been straight-up bullshit, a greater majority has struck a deep chord (symphony actually) inside me. I have studied this class with the depth of being in the (real) classroom for the first time. I'm in school to learn, not skim or take bullshit shortcuts (OK, a few, but not this class. I'll save those for other torture). To say I have learned a lot academically so far is an understatement. Do I have any regrets about making this class stretch WEEKS and weeks longer than it needed to? ZERO. Regret is not how I roll. Nor is not giving something 100% and my best. Thank goodness my commitment to being a lifelong learner has kicked in, even in what feels like a mulligan of nursing school (eye roll emoji) 

The tough parts of this class have been about the disease processes and what you (we) (I) have to look forward to as we get up there in age. What things can look like when you don't take care of yourself for decades plus. What it can look like if you did take care of yourself and what it looks like to just end up with the short end of the stick or simply age "normally." What aging looks like and all its complications. Mortality in your face. Page after page. It's tough stuff. Dementia, Alzheimer's, delirium, physical decline, effects of strokes, cognitive decline, Parkinson's, etc. This is not to say it is all shit, but hey, reading about the good things doesn't bother me in the same way. Then there is palliative care, hospice, and end-of-life care. More uplifting stuff. 

I had to take a six-part, you guessed it, lengthy (but really great) End-Of-Life Nursing Education Consortium class that I actually got a certificate of completion for. I truly learned things that have already changed how I interact with my patients, friends, and family. Before beginning this part of the class, the things I read about drudged up many old, uncomfortable feelings. The kicker was when I realized that when I was in nursing school thirty years ago, the "older adult" (in the context of my book is sixty-five to seventy-four) was about as far away as the fricking moon. I was nineteen, twenty. Now tune in thirty years later. I am soon the be fifty-one. I'll be in the older adult age group basically "tomorrow," especially with the way time seems to have cruelly sped up. When I made this dot connection, it tripped me out. It also made me cry. I have cried a lot in this class, at my desk, watching my hummingbird feed outside my window. I was really tired of how much reading there was and how diligent a student I was being, but I trudged on. I was, after all, learning so much. And then, I started that end-of-life class within the class. Jeez, someone help me.

My college could have chosen any palliative care department from any state to participate and contribute to the curriculum. They chose The Medical University of South Carolina. At first, I was excited and like, "no way!" How cool! Not only is that my home state, but I also lived in Charleston (for many, many years) and worked at that hospital. The irony that this program would be the providers I would see on the videos, teaching me about palliative care, end-of-life issues, and how to care for the dying was an honor. When I was in school in the dark ages, this wasn't a formal class. I didn't know there was a difference between palliative care and hospice. I thought palliative care was when you died in the hospital in-patient after a lengthy admission, and hospice was when you went home to die. I am a better caregiver because of what I have learned in the entire class. Regardless of what stage the patient it involves: End-of-life, older adult, or young, middle-aged and healthy. 

As I watched the videos, I wondered if I would know the nurse or doctor. Maybe I worked with them. I once had the same exact work ID. When they told stories of people dying in the ER, I knew what it looked like in perfect detail and could remember my own stories as a nurse there. I worked in that department (ER). As I moved through the class, I found myself suddenly getting homesick. Terribly homesick. Missing my brother horribly, deeply. It brought up grief from the death of my mom. Painfully remembering my mom died at that hospital and all that goes with 29 days of a sudden hemorrhagic stroke and the roller coaster of getting her back only to, on day 29, lose her again to a second stroke and this time having to turn off the ventilator. I've seen a lot of people die in front of me. Nothing prepared me for the witness of watching my mother die, even though I knew she was already gone. To this day, if I think about it too long, I feel like we killed her by giving up on her too soon. I know we didn't but damn. We got her back once. Why not twice? (the second bleed was just too big). 

She had been in their palliative care program. To say it was a rite of passage that I finished this class within a class is an understatement. I cried every day as I took notes. It was really, really, really difficult, but I did it. I moved through it and have gotten to the other side with amazing personal insight. I realized I was processing through this course my grief of my loss as well as my own mortality and what I have done right and wrong (from a health perspective) as I studied. I am almost done with the class and soon ready to take my first attempt at the final test to pass (fingers crossed) or fail. 

I have realized that in not taking shortcuts in the class and doing the bare minimum but applying myself as a true student, I have been immensely rewarded. Not only with all the really amazing things about care of the older adult through the end of life I actually learned but with profound self-reflection on what it means to me to be fifty-one and reflect on my life thus far. Of how long I have left on the planet and how I choose to spend it. It's trippy to see I am closer to the end of my life than to the middle like I was the last time I studied any of this. 

My takeaway from self-reflection is this: Life is short. We get one shot at it. Along the way, I have collected "rocks" from people. Telling me what I can and can not accomplish. A reflection of how they see themselves, not me.  People who may have had good intentions to want to protect me from harm, but in the process caused me more mental harm than if they had let me figure things out on my own. People who put a ceiling on me because of their own life limitations. I have long ago heard a drumbeat most around me didn't. Not in South Carolina in the 1970s and 1980s.  When I set out to be a travel nurse in 2000, I'm convinced that was the start to pursuing life as I saw possible. I have a magnet on my kitchen that is my mantra: "Those who say it can not be done shouldn't interrupt the people doing it." I still believe in that wholeheartedly, but somewhere along the way, I got pulled back to early programing and can barely hear the drums like I used to. 

I'm done carrying around suitcases full of rocks that people, childhood experiences, and society handed to me along the way, some I have carried for a lifetime. Some I've picked up myself because they looked like the shit I thought I deserved. I refuse to carry them around any longer. Instead, I have begun the journey in earnest to unpack and let go of things that I no longer believe in. Reassess my core values as they bubble to the top and reexamine them. Through this course and the self-reflection it has spurred, I am learning that compassion for yourself lends to deeper compassion for other people. Or is it the other way around?

Singleness Is a Delicate Perspective

 Greetings and Salutations,

Ahhh. Another day in Covid paradise (eye roll emoji). So tonight I have a few disclaimers which I don't usually do, nor do I particularly like to do, but I feel it's necessary.  Should I say you, I really most likely mean me. This blog is written from my perspective, duh. But on a deeper level, I never mean my experience has to be yours. I also don't mean that my perspective is the only one, nor where I may attribute to where I learned things from, my place of origin, is the only place on the earth that it can come from. It's a big world out there and I think we have more in common that what makes us different. I just mean this is what I think and how I see my world. I hope you can relate on what ever level strikes a cord with you. Ok. enough with the fine print. Let's do this.

In what I see is evolving with my blog, this is a series of ways to say thanks Covid, you bitch..... I want to say well.... thanks.

Singleness. Aloneness that comes along with singleness. I was talking with a dear friend tonight and we were talking about doing this Covid world alone vs being with someone. Having a partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, roommate, husband, wife blah blah blah. It made me thing about societal norms. Society is an amazing thing. It can give you a sense of belonging. It is also a double edge sword. It can also make you feel alienated. Maybe the society where you live accepts people who are alittle heavy physically. Maybe they (society) accept people who are more physically fit and places extra worth on youth, and outward physical fitness, or financial wealth. Maybe it's outdoor activities. Maybe it's having a family with kids. The list goes on and on.

I grew up in a society in The South that shunned being an adult (and by adult I mean over 24) and still single. 99%, so it seemed, of the population was (and still is according to Say Yes To The Dress Episodes I watch) married at 21-22. Surely something is wrong with you if your well into your 30s or 40s or 50s and still single, bless your heart (eye roll emoji). I mean come on. (Outward) success, according to what I observed in life was/is marriage in your early twenties, kids, a big house, nice car, picket fence blah blah. You know, the whole sha-bang. My life has never looked like that. Really ever. Sure, I had my shining moment when I was 22 I got married and tried to go down that yellow brick road. Only problem was, at 26 I found myself (secretly and also check in the box ) happily divorced and then wasn't sure what would be next. I figured surely I would find someone else to marry and do the whole life picture so I would look like my neighbors. No one would wonder what was wrong with me. I would look like everyone else. Measure my success in life by other people's yard stick

I'm 50 and that has yet to happen for me. I am still single and learning how to revel in that fact. I have learned to think or say "make friends with my singleness". I said to my friend tonight the honest truth is that I feel like a failure because I am still single after all this time (if I look to outward ques). To back up a bit for those who don't personally know me. I am VERY goal oriented. To a fault often. It is both a super human power ( think "Wonder Twins Power Activate" "Shape of" for those who watched The Justice League on Saturday mornings LOL) and equal parts a curse to some degree. It's one of two things. Success or failure. This is changing for me thank Holy Mother of Pearl. I am learning that for as much as society may place the blue ribbon on marriage, partnership, kids, house, and a dog, I am no less "successful" because I am single. 

I get to sleep in, watch what I want on TV 100% of the time, eat what I want, make dinner, skip dinner, listen to music of my choice, travel where my hearts desire, and fart and laugh when I want, etc etc. I have traveled many places in the world and met and made awesome friends because I am single. People tend to leave you to yourselves when you are coupled up. Travel alone and they tend to take you under their wings. No better place (which has been proved time and time again when I have traveled abroad alone) has re-proven this to me than when I have camped alone. People seem to open up their hearts and camp fire to me when I'm the only one around my own fire ring.

Look, it's not a pissing match. Single or in a relationship. One is not "better" or "worse" than the other. Today I have acknowledged that in my own personal life I have rated it a life "F" because I am still single at 50. I haven't said that out loud until tonight. It sounded as silly as it reads now. There is nothing "wrong" with me. I am not unlovable. I am quite the opposite. I am very lovable. I have also realized I can only say I am alone physically. I have such an awesome network of friends, all of whom, if I can share what they tell me, love me very much. I can reach out in moments of happiness, despair or emptiness and they celebrate and/or support me. Fill my emotional tanks again and remind me of who I am thru their eyes. I am always in honest and sincere awe to hear a friend tell me how they see me. I aspire to see what they see. I am learning to see and maybe more importantly feel what they see in me. 

To any one out there that is single and especially struggling in these Covid times, take this once in a lifetime opportunity to learn about who you are. I won't lie. It's F^%ing hard a$$ work. You won't like all you learn along the way, but then you start to arrive to your core. It's like the eye of a hurricane. Quite and the sun is shinning. The storms on either side are just part of the beauty. Self love is an amazing thing. Discover yourself in the absence of a relationship and all the strings that come with it. Teach yourself to celebrate who and what you are. Learn what makes you tick. Learn to truly love yourself. Warts and all.

Even as I write this my core belief on relationships is that life is better when you spend it with someone you deeply love. A sunset is richer and more beautiful when you can share it with someone else sitting beside you, holding your hand. Maybe we (I) will never have this. Maybe we (I) are destined to be alone in this world. But if you have true friends and/or family that both love and adore you (as you do them) and yourself, are we (I) really alone? I propose only in the physical sense which is a new concept for me.

You never ever know where lightening will strike. Maybe when we (I) are authentically at peace within our own skin and finding comfort in that space is there truly room for someone else. Maybe that is what they mean when they say "love will find you when you least expect it". I hate that adage. How do you not seek what you truly desire? But for sure it makes this come to mind by Henry David Thoreau: " Happiness is a butterfly which, when pursued is always beyond our grasp, but which, if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you". Maybe the "sit quietly" in this case, is with ourselves. 

Tootles :)~

Heather

Always Find Reasons To Say Thanks

 Greetings and Salutations,

Hi there! Wow. It's been a hot minute since I wrote last. There is much I could say about my absence, how much I have say tonight, how much has been on my mind, or I could just get to it. I'll do the latter. Hope you have all been making it thru these COVID days and nights and doing the best you can.  I would actually like to thank COVID. Without it, I am 110% positive I wouldn't be where I am in this moment.  But more about that later. Lets do this!

  So for me, It's been six long ass, painful months in this Covid process and where my life has been and where it is right now.  I spent six months in crisis mode.  Not knowing nor trusting what the next moment would bring me.  My hours at work have changed. Less. Hell, for awhile I had to be SUPER creative to find hours.  Now, that has passed and I am left with less hours overall than I had available to me pre-covid. I have learned to get creative and be much more purposeful with my money, which I needed to get back to anyway.  So that is another Covid thank you.  Thank you for bringing me back to what I needed to be doing all along financially.

Another Covid thank you.  I have learned so many incredible things about myself.  Many things I think without this F%^ed up (Covid) experience I may have either learned years down the road, if ever. What inspired me to blog tonight is an overwhelming feeling of  "I like myself".  In a way I never have before tonight. Simple, clear, easy for some, but a journey in life for myself.  Without getting too tangled up in the disclaimers.  Yes. I like myself.  Yes I even love myself.  I have many attributes I can recognize within me.  But the "Heather" that people see is much different than I  what see reflected back in the mirror or even my minds eye of who I am.  But as usual, I want to go much much deeper than that with you tonight.

I live alone. I am a VERY gregarious person. Think a sheet cake of gregariousness with sprinkles on top of needing alone time (which I do need in small frequent doses).  I am not here to cry a river any different that anyone else.  But this blog is about life and things from my perspective which is what I plan to discuss. Living alone in isolation has taken it's toll on me.  I will stick to not the things that seem obvious, but to things I have learned personally about myself.

In being stripped of all things Heather: travel, planning travel, traveling alone, traveling with family, or friends, meeting new people, being in new cultures, and the high/intoxication that comes with all of what travel gives me has been soul crushing.  Make no mistake: I work to live, not the other way around.

In addition I can't take a single class in person.  Cooking, knitting, macramé. zip.  The "loss" of my friends that I had actually worked quite hard to find (and I did in a knitting class for example). And some of those friends I actually have loss and possibly will never see again because of Covid (they may never teach classes again, never take that class again, or simply move on in life as we do).  I live off hugs.  Long ones.  I so miss physical contact (and I don't mean PHYSICAL contact. That is a different blog hahahaha).  I had worked to find my fix for that too.  I had certain people I would seek out I knew would ALWAYS greet me with a hug.  That's gone too.  So much more, but I will keep my list manageable.  So you may be asking WTF am I "thanking Covid" for.

I have chosen to go within and learn about who I am and what I'm all about.  I don't feel like I've had much of a choice.  Let me explain. Hang on as I repeat myself. I can't travel (my PASSION and reason for being alive), take classes, hang out with friends, get hugs, or bury my sorrows, anxiety, depression, or happiness at a bar for hours on end.  I can't go to a bar and wonder if by some WILD accident I will run into the man of my dreams who just happens to be out as well. I no longer wear "normal" clothes, put on make up or fix my hair.  I can't plan my way out of a world wide shut down.  I can't get around lines to the grocery store, lack of toilet paper, or the coin shortage in a time when I actually need quarters to do laundry (insert GIANT eye roll emoji). All I have day in and day out after work is ME. Heather minus all (good and bad) distractions.  Places that I used to hide.  In plain site or not.  I used to elect not to get "fixed up" and go out for a night "on the town".   Now, I can't imagine doing that even if I could (and some places you can). 

I have started painting and drawing.  I've discovered I have a passion for watercolor painting.  Was 110% convinced I could neither draw nor paint.  I am creative, but "not like that".  That takes "major" talent.  Guess what?  I'm better at both than I ever imagined.  Guess what else?  I didn't know I had a passion for (especially watercolor) painting.  Don't get me wrong, I like acrylic too.  But watercolors make my pupils dilate and make a warm hot place in my heart AND soul. I smile and talk to myself while I do it.  I laugh and feel JOY when I watch You Tube tutorials and watch a piece come to life.  I don't think if I hadn't been forced to be still and alone for months on F'Ning end I would have discovered this about me.

I don't want to make this blog too long.  There is much more I have to say about the things I have learned about myself during these past six months. In the stillness, profound isolation, and craziness of it all I have finally surfaced and am ready to get back to living and better yet thriving.  Drawing and painting is far from the depth I have gone within, but it is a light I wanted to share that filtered to the top tonight.  I suspect it is because I am really proud of my self discovery without it being so "heavy", goal driven, or a check list (as is all my habit).  Just pure and creative. Involuntary joy seeping out of me via the tip of a paint brush.  This found its way thru many, many tears and moments I thought quite honestly thought I was about to loose my shit.  Reaching out and leaning on my friends and family in ways in all my years on the planet I never have.   Felt like a failure for not being as resilient as I thought I was (and am).

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.  It is forever a debt of gratitude.  I could only hope my thoughts, failures, successes, and honesty in the journey that is my life, any piece or part,  would resonate with you. Please be kind to yourself during these pivotal times. For many of us, this is uncharted territory. Our darkest times and we aren't confident of the outcome personally.  Can we weather this storm?  It may look very different from anything else (crisis) you've experienced before now.  For others, this is but a minor blip as you've weathered much worse in your life.  I so admire your strength to know "I got this" is your core mantra because you have lived thru worse personal shitstorms.  I can't wait to take on the next challenge in my life with the confidence living thru this experience has given me.  I am (finally) learning and preparing in current times for those future challenges that I know are on the horizon even when I can't see them today.  Yet another Covid "Thank you"

So how do I draw the line back to " I like me" after all that?  Well, after six months of hanging out with only me day in and day F'Ning out I had two basic choices. Love me, or hate me.  Turns out I like me afterall.  I really do.  And thats a solid ass start to truly loving myself because I'm a "great things are built on a solid foundation" kinda chick. And almost all life long love starts with like. 

Tootles :)~

Heather

 

Don't Forget The Little Things.... They Can Mean A lot

Greeting and Salutations,
  Hi.  Hope you are all awesome.  Lets get to it, shall we?  As I have been thinking enthusiastically about blogging I have pictured writing the first series of blogs in perfect chronological order.  Then I quickly got swimmy headed (and nauseous) as I wasn't sure where to begin. Where is the perfect place to start?  What is the perfect lead into what I want to blog to you about?  How will I know what to say next and then after that and after that?  Then I took a step back (and a deep breath) and realized that there is no perfect place to start. I'll know what to say next because it's what will come out of my head and onto this screen at that moment and then the next.
  Life isn't perfect. Its out of order.  Sometimes messy.  Sometimes you hit the nail on the head and other times you smash your finger.  I'm learning life has such a different appearance when you let go of chasing perfection (spoiler alert: perfect doesn't exist).  A life of imperfection is something I will spend a lot of time talking about over the coming weeks. Tonight ain't one of those nights :)
  Last week, after quarantining myself in my apartment for several days after being sick I finally got out (no cooties, I wasn't contagious) and went shopping with my wonderful niece.  It was a three-fer.  Spent time with her, got her out of her apartment too, and did alittle shopping at the same time.  After all, you need a partner in crime when you shop don't you?  I have a pretty long list of things I have been needing to buy for my apartment basically since I moved in on May 2, 2014. Little finishing stuff like kitchen rugs (finally found one I really liked), anti slip mats for underneath ones in the bedroom and the closet etc etc.  They have been sliding around and getting on my nerves for four plus years (ridiculous 🙄).
  Let me back track just a minute to give you context for the upcoming Epiphany I had the other night while putting away my loot from the store.  I love San Francisco. I love my apartment.  I love all three of my jobs.  I love the neighborhood I live in (for most at first blush, you'd freak. It's in the Tenderloin.  One of those "don't judge a book by its cover" places, but that's another blog for another time LOL).  I love my life and I'm grateful for everything in it good or bad, happy or sad.  There has been one thing, however I haven't been able to wrap my head around and fully understand until last week.
  often  OK I fully admit, on average 95% of the time I have been having a major problem with the Juju of my apartment for the vibe it gives me.  At work I think of all the things I want to do when I get home and yet all too often I do exactly nothing.  Not one thing and I'm not talking about being too tired from work to do anything.  I walk in the door and suddenly I'm overwhelmed.  A darkness falls over me and all I want to do is bury myself in TV.  I sometimes tell myself I'll head out for something fun to do or errands "in alittle while". I never do.  I have basic and important errands I need to accomplish like replacing a worn out pair of shoes for work or an everyday pair that I've worn out as well. Groceries etc.  I don't do it.  Its daunting to think about all I need to do and how long it will take to do it, so over and over again I choose nothing.  I go on vacation and this feeling evaporates. That's because not only is it one of my happiest places on earth (vacation), but I'm not surrounded by "my stuff". Its like I love everything about my apartment except what feels often like 99% of what I have in it.  Its difficult to describe.
  Like everyone else, even in a studio apartment, its easy to collect things you don't need or that don't actually serve you.  I buy very little, but habits are sometimes hard to keep broken.  Looking around on any given day I am also reminded about what I brought with me from South Carolina when I moved to San Francisco.  Some things have ghosts attached from my past life (metaphorical, not real don't worry 👻 LOL).
  As part of the what seems like a lifelong and ongoing purging process, a few weeks ago (it had been on my " To Do" list for months if not at least a year) I finally got the push I needed from watching Marie Kondo's first season on Netflix "Tidy Up".  Reading (part of) her book was a much different experience than watching an episode. It clicked watching it vs reading it.  Anyway, I wanted to tweak her advise of how to go about purging with something that worked better for me.  Instead of gathering all the "books" in my apartment (she touts doing objects vs location ie ALL clothes ALL books vs your bedroom or closet etc) I started in my bedroom. No disrespect to Ms Kondo, but I know myself better than she does.
  I touched EVERYTHING. Thought I'd get rid of a book or two for sure.  I got rid of seventeen.  Now everything in that room serves me TODAY.  Not the life I had before in South Carolina.  Not what appealed to me years ago even post move.  Books from years and years ago at the time I bought for a dollar I knew odds are I'd never read.  But at the time, I had more bookshelves.  I had more room, but that's not really the point it is?  They no longer serve me.  I no longer want them and many, many other things I touched.  Some things I got rid of I've had for more years than I care to admit to.  No longer.  Not one thing remains I don't want or can use or truly love.  It felt as if I shed a hundred pounds (or more) of mental baggage.
  So let me bring us back to that night last week.  I finally realized why I have felt such an overwhelming, depressing, darkness, can't breath, paralyzing feeling come over me when I walk in the door of my awesome apartment.  I bought organizers for the utensil drawer (yes, directly inspired by Ms Kondo) and I was arranging things just so.  I looked around. The kitchen felt as awesome as my bedroom and then it hit me.  Physically I moved in May 2, 2014.  The night this all happened, January 20, 2019 I moved in mentally and emotionally.  I never really moved in in 2014.  I was still grieving the loss of my mom and sorting thru the major transition of picking up my life and starting all over.  I have begun the process of making room for who I am today by letting go of the past in the form of a book, or trinket that no longer serves me or makes me happy.  Physical and mental clutter and baggage are disappearing and its AMAZING.
  I have the rest of the apartment to do and while its daunting to touch everything you own the payoff is immeasurable.  Last week I realized with the small touches, a new rug here, an organized drawer there, I didn't just move here, I LIVE here now. This IS home and these are the things I choose today to surround myself with.  Some are old and some are new.  Some things I've had for decades.  The feelings of overwhelming, depressing, darkness, and can't breath, and totally paralyzed seem to be all but evaporating in front of my eyes.  I just Googled the definition of Epiphany.  I didn't realize it, but apparently it has many different meanings.  I like this one I just read in the book " You are a Badass" by Jen Sincero.  GET THIS BOOK.  Anyway, I love her definition: "An epiphany is a visceral understanding of something you already know". I think that is a fitting definition.  Don't you? 💕

Tootles 😜🤓
Heather

Calling All Readers.....Momentum Needed..... I need Your Input STAT!!

Greetings and Salutations,
  Hi. Happy New Year 🎉.  I hope this finds you all well and ready for a stellar 2019. I have set many goals for myself mentally and still need to get them down on paper. This is one of them. I have a special favor to ask of you and I would really appreciate your participation. Its simple and very short.  (skip to "**OK so finally here is my request" if you need to skip over the blah blah blah :)
  I very much foresee a transitional year for me personally.  It is time to make many personal changes and reach for some challenges I have let go by the way side for many, many years.  I am Ok and doing good. Plugging along.  Life is amazing and I am grateful for all it has to offer me.  I have so many things to be thankful for and blessed.  I'm still on the life long journey to self actualization and personal growth.  I want to take you along with me and let's do this together as I love company.  I'm a Southern girl at heart and always, if nothing else, the consummate hostess 😎
  I very, very, very much miss blogging and I can no longer go without it in my life. It was such a vital outlet for me.  I discovered I really love writing.  I think about it all the time.  I have purchased a few home study courses to help me sharpen my writing skills since I've never had any formal training beyond the basics you get in routine school.  An average blog used to take me about four hours to publish.  I just don't always have that kind of time in my busy city life.  This has been a deterrent for 4 years, along with my relocation to the West Coast. That was a distraction as well 😛 .  My life is a lot different than what it used to be and I've let that get in my way instead of adapting.  As I write, study, and learn, I will be able to put out blogs much more efficiently.  When life puts a rock in your path, figure out a way around it.
  **Ok so finally here is my request.  Please tell me the best day of the week you have time to sit down and read a blog such as mine.  We all lead extremely busy lives. I need to feel like I'm not blogging on the worst day possible to no one out there.  Monday's are when I used to publish them (and can totally keep that day). I want you to help me pick the best night of the week for .... "Its that time again.... You know....Share it if you dig it  :)~ " If you can't comment on here ( I think you have to join page to comment)... look me up on Facebook. I have a page there too. It will be the latest post on the page.  Its totally easy to comment on that wall.  Here is the FB page (copy/cut/paste).... www.facebook.com/lifecheerleader/

Thank you so very much for you're participation in helping me reach a personal goal.  I appreciate everyone that reads my blog and connects with what I write about.  I am grateful for this outlet.  Please feel free to always make comments of any kind along the way.  I love to hear your perspective.  I'm always encouraged by comments of thoughtfulness and critiques too. I'm always game to learn.  Remember this comes from my heart and I am by no means a professional blogger, writer, or always the best at getting my thoughts across succinctly. But I can promise I'm authentic and real.  I always speak from my heart.  Lets make 2019 rock and lets journey through this together 💕

Tootles  😜🤓
Heather

PS...Can you tell I just discovered I can add emoji's?? Hee Hee

Intimacy...Can You Have It In The Absence of Real Connection?

Greetings and Salutations,
  What? Twice in one week after not blogging for two years?  I am so excited to be writing again. I have problem solved one of my biggest issues which was not being able to write in my apartment.  The space just isn't conducive.  I am going to work on that, but for the time being here we are again together.  Oh how I have missed you.  I certainly hope you are all doing fantastic.
  Today at work I got hit by an epiphany.  As I navigate the online dating world I have learned much about not only myself, which I could make into another blog, but about human behavior and interaction.  I have been trying to understand why, generically speaking, the majority of guys want to skip to sex and intimacy.  I know the simple answers.  I'm interested in the deeper ones.  Today I was hit out of the blue with viable answers.  We truly live in a different world than I have known up until now.  So much has changed since the Internet, but nothing (for the purpose of my topic today) has changed human interaction more than smartphones and texting.
  We are more disconnected than we have ever been in my life time.  I think you could easily say in modern times and not be overstating a fact.  While I really think I am correct in that statement, I don't feel like doing the research to back it up.  We no longer communicate-- we text.  We hide behind the comfort of knowing you can really text anything you want no matter how perverted, rude, or disgusting because you don't have to look into the eyes of the person you are having a conversation with.  Because it isn't a real conversation. 
  Should you be the writer, you can say anything you want. The phone offeres a buffer to the social norms of face to face interaction.  Should you be on the receiving end, it's one dimensional, heard in your head with your voice as the narrator. It greatly depends on your temperament of the day and your perspective alone in life as to the tone and how the message sounds to you. There would be alot less misunderstandings in the texting world if Morgan Freeman could be the built in narrator of every ones texts.  Impossible to misunderstand something that man reads LOL
  I just got back from online date number 431 (or so it feels LOL).  Apparently, given the post conversation of a first meeting followed up with two days of texing I am spot on with my hypothesis. Condensed version is this guy, who at first meeting appeared to be not the typical guy.  Smart, attractive, well educated, in my age group.  But his texting choice of conversation was in direct contrast to who he seemed to be in person.  After two hours of a first meeting his text questions included when could he see me naked and when could we be more intimate.  Jeez.
  He really got me thinking. In a good way.  With more depth than his shallow and predictable line of text talking.  I asked him clarification questions based on how he came across on the phone. I asked him would he look me in the eye and ask the same questions.  He said no absolutely not.  I find it funny because I would never say anything via text that I wouldn't have the balls to to look someone in the face and ask/say.  Guess that sets me apart from 99% of the current dating population.  How boring for me.
  These are my take away thoughts. Intimacy is something that in my opinion comes about as you get to know someone or know well.  Not 2 hours after meeting.  Intimacy, whether it includes actual sex or all the stuff in between is best felt (at best) with the emotional depth two people feel that are somewhat known to each other.  Why would you want to skip this integral part? Intimacy in the absence of emotional depth and connection is purely sexual gratification.  Sex and all that comes with it is so much better felt on a deeper level.  It's what gives physical contact greater pleasure. I am speaking in terms beyond just wanting a one night stand.
  I think most men and I know this can apply to women as well, but I am speaking to my individual experience, want to cherry pick.  They want to reap the rewards of human touch and oneness without wanting to put in the effort of forging some kind of relationship in my opinion it takes to make that physical connection have real meaning.  They are unable, unwilling, to do the work it takes to make any kind of real emotion connection.  They get bored easily, after all we live in an instant world.  Most of us have a skewed sense of what's real.  So many people today lack the skills for interpersonal relationships.  Real face time. Real conversation.  It is a byproduct of the Internet, social media, smartphones, all the apps that come with them, and texting. 
  How exactly are you to meet anyone with these forces working against you?  I am perplexed. Baffled, but this is the dating world that I live in.  The more I learn, the more I love being single.  The more I am really ready to celebrate who I am, my standards, and my choices of how to fill my time day today.  I draw strength from what seems like dating failures to the outside world.  I'll wait my turn.  My Edward, Raj, or Justin is out there.  Until we cross paths, I'll have the best single life possible.

Tootles :)~
Heather

I Found A Great Date.....Finally A Real Challenge

Greetings and Salutations,
  So I am grappling with a new idea; new point of view; a new perspective I need to adopt, but not certain how to achieve the shift. I have long dismissed the notion that "love will find you when you least expect it". I will never let go of the personal belief that life is better spent with someone to share it with. How can you not feel the absence of the love of your life when you are alone?
  My most recent, as in last week...fresh off the press, realization of one aspect of my life is that I sit around in waiting mode. When I go out on Friday or Saturday night... who I can meet that's interesting? In the back of my mind I say to myself "when I meet someone I will have a life. I'll have have someone to go places with. Travel, explore, and (in general) be active with".  What am I waiting for?
  I have to get off the couch. Self reflection time: basically my whole life I have not had many outside interests. Nothing to speak of.  Yeah, I played church league soft ball in middle school.  Between 2011-2013 I discovered volunteering.  Specifically community runs.  Giving medical support to The Cooper Bridge Run.  Traffic support to the Avondale 5K Run.  A silent auction to Cancers Below The Waist for MUSC.  Giving medical support to a two day community free screening clinic. It was a niche I discovered and loved to do. I really miss it.
  Since I relocated to San Francisco in April of 2014 I have volunteered my time for exactly nada. zip. nothing.  That part for sure I must get back to. There are so many things to give my time to here. Maybe that is part of the problem. Too much to choose from. Sometimes too many choice makes you not able to settle on the right thing. Decision paralysis. I admit I am a current victim.
  Back to center.  How exactly does one "date themselves"?  I think it is about taking advantage of my singleness.  How I choose to spend my time is 100% up to me. People who are in committed relationships or have kids would kill for this "problem". This "challenge" as I see it. The irony doesn't go unnoticed with me. At least now it doesn't. The challenge is how do I work this to my advantage? Maybe this is the first step to over come. Unlimited choices is in and of itself challenging at best and overwhelming.  I can do anything I want.  ANYTHING.  How does one narrow it down to make it manageable?
  My answer honestly?  I have no fucking idea.  But I am totally game to the process of discovery.  Current starting point: I want to do a pottery class.  There are several companies locally that offer great classes.  I've already started the hunt.  #2 Today I stopped off at local soup kitchen that prepares food for shut-ins and the homeless close to my apartment.  No office I could find, but a phone number posted on the window. I called and left a message.  #3 As of this writing, I have Thursdays open and need to be filled. TBD.  Tennis completes what's left over. Super happy with that. I really love tennis.
  I think the bottom line is this. The premise of this blog is dating yourself while your patiently waiting. I believe dating myself is is code for just getting out there. REI camping trip over the weekend with a group.  A hiking trek for the day.  A cooking or knitting class.  Filling an empty or better put open evenings with content that has relevance to my interests in life. Which is pretty much everything I just listed. Oh, and the symphony. Phantom of The Opera.  I so miss that.
  Maybe it's about distracting myself in a really fun way to be open to the opportunity for someone to cross my path when I'm not watching.  Maybe that's what they mean. Its not about finding someone when you stop looking, but when you're not watching (for it).  Somehow that seems like a shift in perspective I can understand and work with.

Tootles :)~
Heather

Fits and Starts

Greetings and Salutations,
     So I started writing tonight and got several paragraphs in and decided to change course. This could be a bit long. So hold on and don't be scare-did. Let's dive into my frontal lobe :)
     Do you know yourself? Have you stopped long enough to challenge all that you have been taught about the world, who you are, and how you fit into it? Why you are you? How you became you? Why you make the choices you make? How you define your self worth?
     I am learning more and more about myself in fits and starts. I see how much I have changed since my life took a different direction the day my mother left. My tenacity for life is a seed my mother planted in me that broke the surface in the wake of her death. I am so much my mother's daughter. But the real question I am asking myself these days is how much of Heather am I? Who is SHE? Who has SHE become? What does SHE want. What does SHE think? What would SHE do?
     Fits and starts. No one wants to admit it but that is how life unfolds. That's how life works day to day in the real world. One step forward and three steps back. Two steps forward and no steps back. It always changes up. Hollywood and others make you feel it happens all in one smooth stroke. You struggle and then poof. One day no more struggle EVER. Or better yet there are those of us whom never struggle. What a load of horseshit. I have wasted some serious tears and brain cells thinking that there is something wrong with me. An over thinker and underachiever. I want it, I struggle for it, and if I achieve it, by God I should have it mastered. But then I backslide. Damnit. Reality strikes.
     I made a personal life growth leap years ago when I broke up with my then boyfriend. Then I think I fell asleep. It happens. Next thing I know I was comfortable with life and wham. Mom died. Now what? I chose to move to San Francisco and when the dust settled, I realized for the first time ever-- my life and my well being were now up to me and me alone. It was overwhelming.
     Several recent situations have happened to make me realize it's time to wake up and grow again.   It's time for me to seek answers to those questions from within myself. Some how I got the notion that life overall doesn't change. I never change my furniture arrangement. I never change the color on the walls. I feel most comfortable when major aspects of my life never change. This is redonkulous. Life IS change. I suspect I know in part where it comes from. It isn't an excuse as much as I hope it gives me the ability that by understanding its origin, I can process it, and finally set it free.
     When I was nine years old, on a day like any other I came home from school. It was 1978/79. The day before was perfectly normal as all the preceding days before that had been. I walked home from school and my mother met me at the bottom of the drive way. Instantly I knew something was wrong. She had been crying. While I'm sure my memory has faded and can't remember all the minute details accurately, I remember her telling me through further tears there was nothing that I had done wrong, but my father had left us.
     After some brief explanation of how life wouldn't change as I knew it, I asked if she was done and could I go play in my room. I was numb. I remember in that moment at nine years old, I had a quick decision to make. Crush the fear and pack it away deep inside or it would crush me. I never looked back. I accepted what was. That was the first time my life was irrevocably changed.
     That first Christmas, understandably my mother wouldn't let my dad in the house. He had walked out on her after 21 years of marriage. He stood in the doorway of the den and handed me all my presents. I opened each one and had to run back to the doorway to hug him. I'll never forget those two days for the rest of my life.
     The man that was suppose my template in the world deserted me. He was suppose to be the man all others (men) were measured by. I hoped not. Even as a child I knew that. My biggest fear as I got older was the man I would meet and fall in love with would do just what he did. One day just disappear for reasons I could and would never understand.
     Wow. Where did that all come from? These are not thoughts I sit around and think about daily. This brings me back full circle. Who are you? Who am I ? Who have we become at this stage of our lives? What do you have unprocessed that holds you back? Understanding that can actually give you a better perspective of what drives your thinking and decisions. So much of who I am today was born that day that I learned my dad left me.
     I say none of this in anger. This is not the only view point. I say this only as a matter of mine. It happened. This is one angle of many through the eyes of a child's perspective of divorce. This doesn't speak to my dad's many other dimensions. I say this in hopes to fully understand myself and what has shaped me thus far. I choose to no longer let the fear of change cripple me. I no longer choose to let what was or wasn't define my future. I will no longer let someones life experiences define my existence. I will grow and embrace all that comes to me in my life. I will be the captain of my ship and not be scared to dream to have the life I imagine. I can do anything I set my mind to and so can you. Who I am I? I am Heather and multi faceted. I am complicated and simple. I am who I choose to allow myself to become. Who I become will forever change. How about you?


Tootles :)
Heather

Filled With Gratitude

Greetings and Salutations,
     Gratitude. What does it mean to you? Does it mean "thank you" "thanks" "that's nice" or something deeper? Is it a prayer, some form of Karma, or bullshit? Have you ever really spent any time thinking about it? Is it different from being thankful? I have never given this thought much time until recently. How recently? Well, I'm not really sure. Let's just say within the past year. It seems more and more I have been giving this some attention and I am loving it. I like how I feel when I spend time "in gratitude" mode. Even in times of challenge.
     True gratitude is something that once you discover it you want to share it with everyone you can. Like along the lines of shouting from a mountain top. But you can't. It is something that is a personal discovery and journey that expresses itself individually. My wish for you is in discussion of this topic you will start your own journey. Your own thoughts as to what gratitude means to you and really explore it within yourself. Gratitude doesn't have to be complex. It could be as simple as gratitude for the wind. A warm day. Someone sharing their love with you.
     A recent experience I had. I was feeling an unexpected wave of grief and sadness for the loss of mom. Like enough I wanted to pull the curtains and stay in my cave of a bedroom all day. Despite my better judgement I reported for work anyway. I had a patient mid-morning that I intuitively knew I could share how I was feeling. It was appropriate and professional, but human. She was genuinely interested in my thoughts and feelings. I helped her with her procedure and she helped me see a different prospective on mom's death and how I am continuing to process it.  In the end she gave me a really great heart felt hug-- a rub between the shoulder blades, Like a mom would do. It was my destiny to take care of her. She took care of me. I will forever be grateful for showing up that day at work.
     I guess part of my message is if you are so consumed with all that is wrong in your life you can't even begin to see the good. Adjusting your picture takes time. It has to be something you WANT. With out that first step it's no good. You can't get it. Not without Wanting it first. Gratitude is the silver lining. I never knew that. Actually until I just typed it. You have to want to see the good. You have to be willing to believe in something you can't feel at first. Faith that it will follow. The warmth of gratitude, You have to be willing to put a foot forward not seeing where it will land, but believing it will.
     I meet someone. I have no idea where it might go. That isn't even the point. I so feel in the Here and Now I am just grateful he gave me the gift of a random spark, Palatable and undeniable, I felt it the moment I sat down beside him and looked into his eyes. No matter what I welcome the gifts he has to share with me. His thoughts and perspective in life for how ever long our paths stay crossed. He reminds me that chemistry is real and alive. I am reminds me how random life is.
     Tonight I am so happy. Tonight I celebrate. I'm alone. I am torturing my neighbors with my loud music. But I celebrate gratitude for what I have been blessed with. I was so moved I had to blog about it, I wish you the spark to start your own journey down the gratitude road. Have faith in what you can't see at first if this is a new concept for you. Start a gratitude journald. Write in it as often as you can, It doesn't matter how simple or how often. Sad or happy. Find one thing a day to be grateful for and write it down. Watch it build. Jump. Faith will catch you. Dare to see more good than bad in any situation.

Tootles :)
Heather

Waylaid On The Path

Greetings and Salutations,
     I hope you have been doing fantastically well and are where you want to be. If not, I hope you are taking appropriate steps to at least think about heading in that direction. These are the thoughts of the evening: What does it takes to keep yourself on the path you choose in life? The kind of life you want. The quality of life you seek. The choices you make. And when I say "you" of course I mean us both.
     Before I left to come out to San Francisco I was on a great path. Making all kinds of positive changes. Yoga. Fun classes like jewelry making and pottery. Biking, swimming. Volunteering in my community. Blogging weekly. All activities well planned and prayed on for many years in my mind's eye. OK so in reflection I was on multiple paths LOL. And then I moved.
     Now don't get me wrong. I am grateful and very happy in my choice to turn my world totally up side down and move cross country. My instinct to move out here has been spot on thus far. It has been hard, scary, lonely, and frustrating. It has also been happy and exciting. I have felt my own personal growth in this process and that is way cool. This city is EXACTLY where I belong for this chapter of my life. No doubt about that even in my darkest hours.
     Since moving here, it continues to be a life lesson in learning how to live on the edge. And more so keeping my balance on that edge. On one hand it would seem so much easier to have one (benefited) forty hour job vs the three, sometimes four places I am juggling right? But what if it isn't. What if the "stability" of having one full time job is simply an illusion?  Seven months in and I am beginning to believe it just might be.
     A full time job brings with it no guarantees. It could all be gone in the blink of an eye. So enters that balancing on the edge I just spoke of. My current juggling act is at times very tiresome. I have no guarantee in any hours at all. Yet some how it works out. Most weeks I work 6 days and barely break 32 hours. But other times there are more hours than I can handle. My work calendar looks confusing to most who see it.
     But I am learning it is so worth every minute of it. My choices are teaching me extraordinary things can happen if you stay the course and push your own reality. To push your own definitions of stability and the way you perceive the world works. Sometimes when you wait for the other shoe to drop it never does. Maybe you catch it mid air and wear that bitch :) It is human nature to seek comfort in "concrete" things but do those things really exist? Stability is a momentary reality that is subject to change before you even know it has. What counts most is how you react and how you chose to view your life.
     Where is my path and when will I get back on it? Classes, volunteering, biking, blogging regularly, swimming, yoga, getting up early before work-- all of it. Why are good habits so hard to keep? Why is real change so hard to forge? In moving I've started the clock all over it seems. Absolutely wonderful and I totally hope you can hear the dripping sarcasm.
     I want to get back where I was and grow tired of my perceived inability to reconnect with that person. I joined a Yoga place in January. $85 bucks. Not one class attended so far. How difficult is it to participate in a yoga class? Its s-i-m-p-l-e because I've done it lots of times before. Some how I'm having trouble starting again. With all of it. Damnit. Damnit. Lucky for me tomorrow is another opportunity to get it right. It just trips me out how somethings I feel should be so simple end up a life long journey to get it like I want it.
     I hope I sound pleasantly frustrated with myself but determined. Hopeful I can reconnect with the Heather I started in Charleston and get back on all the paths that I love. All the things I knew I would love to do my entire life. I hope in my verbalization of these thoughts you will question and challenge yourself. Maybe together we will find some solutions. Life is an open book test with the answers we each discover along the way meant to be shared. Its what makes life worth living.

Tootles :)
Heather

Partial Thoughts Four Months Ago

Greetings and Salutations,
     I have a few drafts saved of posts I either started or never finished. I re-read this one and thought it worthy to post since it was thoughts on my mind at that moment and that is what this blog is about. I wrote this 3/19/2014. The eve of the 1st anniversary of my Mom's death and close to my departure for out west. I was feeling a bit feisty it would appear! Some of these feels are still with me.

     So this is a new one for me blogging after being pleasantly served. Celebrating my life and friends in Charleston. Wonder how to the point this will end up LOL. Let me get some music on and a glass of wine for writing and night night time :)
     I think I finally tipped my anxiety point. I feel relaxed and ready to receive what comes my way from this point on. I continue to be open to what God and the Universe will send my way. Travel is the most fundamental thought I have on my mind. I want to travel the world and I firmly believe it is part of my calling. I want to see as much of this world as possible in my life time.
     I am approaching the 1 year mark of the death of my mother I feel better than I did, but I do realize that I will truly never feel the same. I cry easier. I feel feelings deeper. I hear time ticking in a different way than before. I feel a drive to make it all count. I am glad that I kept the promise to myself to wait a year before doing making any major decisions. I am at the foot steps of that promise and I feel secure in my decision to pursue my dream and adventure.
      I wish my mom was still with me. I don't feel the "she is looking down on you" Bullshit yet. I pray one day I will feel this. I feel it for others, just not for me. I really wonder why. Why has this feeling escaped me? Others are so sure. I have faith to believe, but I just don't feel it yet. Maybe the drive I feel and sharp focus is my mom working through me. Mom was always a shaker and mover. Why would I expect my mom to reveal herself to me as an angel sitting on her ass? This is the first time I have thought of this. Actually sounds dead on.
     So back to travel. I want to travel and soon. It is about 70% of why I am going to California. Not to travel nurse but to travel the world in pleasure. To get so many stamps in my passport I need more pages. I want to work my ass off and get a travel fund and get outta here. I want to go to pretty much everywhere. I wanna go to Thailand and Vietnam. Croatia and Italy. Hong Kong and all points in between. Australia, Prague, Budapest, Back to France, Greece, London. New Zealand. Gee I am thinking pretty thinking I need to get my ba-donky-donk going so I can re-coop expenses from this initial adventure and get my travel fund rocking. Ah so much to see and do! I can't wait!!

Working On Getting Settled In My City Life

West Coast Greetings and Salutations,
---I wrote this 1-2 weeks ago and saved it as a draft. Things have already settled down even more, and some of these feelings have subsided but I wanted to publish this anyway. It marks how I was feeling in that moment. I haven't edited it so I hope my thoughts at the time make sense to you. It all came out at once. Raw and real.-- Heather

     Hi. How are ya? Wonderful is my sincere hope. Wow. The plethora of things I have had to write about. So much is and has happened since I last jotted down my thoughts into cyberspace. I have found and lost my inner voice to write a million times since I landed here in my new abode. Moving = Happiness. Sadness. Excitement. Overwhelming anxiety. Inner peace. Depression. Learning. Roller coaster I say. Roller coaster.
     First, I found an apartment. Let me tell you the housing Gods where with me. I got it first day, second apartment I looked at (with only one other dude who was looking with me). I moved in May 1st. It has killer space for a studio (four distinct rooms) and tons of California character. The City (San Francisco) won in the end over Emeryville. I chose to be in the center of it all.
     More specifically I live in the Tenderloin. Or spoke another way the "Tender-nob". Where Nob Hill ($$) meets the land of the homeless, drug addicts and its share of hookers. Or spoke yet another way (on one of those street poll banners placed by the city at the street corners) "Upper Tenderloin. 409 Historical buildings and 33 proud blocks" (the entire Tenderloin is comprised of 50 blocks).
     And the more I get out and walk the streets, I really am on the outskirts of the "Loin" or the "Ten" as we residents affectionately refer to our hood. It is quickly growing on me and for that I am grateful because geographically I am in the middle of it all. There is lots to love around here. Oh the difference a block or two can make.
     Work continues to go well and I am still learning both jobs. There is alittle stress in that department (OK alot) but I will report further about that at another time. Suffice to say I am doing great at both clinics and by all accounts, well liked and appreciated for my work ethics and ability I am regaining (rusty ya know).
     There are alot of feelings I have been going through some awesome and some very very stressful. There is a (disappointing) realization that I have come to notice about my view point about life. We are constantly moving towards or away from something. I am forming serious doubts that we as human beings can actually achieve satiation in our personal lives. Where we don't need another thing accomplished, even if for just a moment.
     I don't particularly like this realization. I mean damn. Can't you achieve your goal (s) and be done vs realize when you thought you were done, you really have a string of other shit you discovered you still need to do before you get the damn proverbial carrot?
     I am not speaking of this in a materialistic way. I mean it on a very deep, personal life achievement level. I guess I have somehow gotten the notion that in life, you set a goal (s), achieve it/them, and then should need little else for a period of time until life changes direction again. You can "take it easy" for awhile. I am discovering my theory about this is crap. Hell's Bells. Now what? Now I have to keep setting goals, achieving them, thinking I'm "done for the moment" only to find out achievement (or lack there of actually) means virtually nothing? Take one thing off your list and find it is always replaced with more?
     This move has taught me WAY more than I could even imagine. 46 days in (70 if you count when I landed on California soil) I am happy. I am frustrated. I am (still) scared. I am not settled. I am more impatient then I honestly knew about myself. I am grateful. I am anxious. I am still grieving. I feel profoundly alone in this world. Nothing feels the same without mom. This still feels like a travel assignment. I am still determined. I am learning so much about who I am. I still want to share my life with someone and them reciprocate.
     I am still in the end happy to be learning all that I am about life through this experience. Even if it is painful. Even in my tears I have faith. I will continue on my pathway of life. I will not give up. Determined to meet my destiny no matter how discouraged I may at times feel. Determined to make my life my own.
     This is so strange (gross understatement). I don't feel home sick even with all the stress and breath holding I am doing. I feel like Charleston is no longer my home. Its where I'm from but that is different. But San Francisco doesn't yet feel like home either. I feel like a woman without a country. Even so, my gut tells me I didn't make a mistake moving here and in due time it may well feel like home.
     But in order for this to feel like home it needs to look like home. A full time, benefited job where I don't sweat getting in my hours every day. When I walk through my apartment door it looks like my home with my stuff. Then I can actually begin to evaluate if this is gonna stick. Until then I will continue to challenge myself to not give up and continue to pursue my dreams. Its why I'm here in the first place

Tootles :)
Heather

Apartment Hunting Is Just Around The Corner!

Greetings and Salutations,
     This Sunday marks three weeks here and things are falling into place at a rate I can hardly keep up with or believe. The gratitude I feel is simply impossible to express to you. I have two jobs so far that aren't benefited but have plenty of hours for the next several months. I will have a much needed opportunity to catch my breath, catch up on expenses that are racking up, and allow time for something more permanent to work itself out.
     I am in the pre-hire process and hoping it will only take two weeks, but could possibly take three (boo). So many steps, but in the end I will be a real employee in another city other than South Carolina. This is the first time this will happen for me. I've always been a travel nurse if not at home.
     It is a subtle difference that gives me a sense of deep accomplishment from within. A new way to see myself that I am where I am because of me. Not because of where I was born, my parents (choices), a husband/ boyfriend, just me and my own decisions. I have stepped outside everything I have known to be my life up until this point and pursued my dream of where I wanted to live. Does that all make sense?
     I find it very ironic that my place of employment is the same hospital that I worked at the first time I came to San Francisco as a travel nurse fourteen years ago almost to the month. April then, May now. Strange co-inky-dink.... no?
     The way I have been treated thus far from both of the managers I will be working for exceeds my expectations. I felt like a duck in water in the interview and felt like I fit in immediately. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away is all I have to say about that. (wow I just connected Star Wars with Forrest Gump LOL).
     Next on the list of things "To Do" is housing. Now let me tell you I am S-C-A-R-E-D to get into the apartment search in the City. Its been described in the local papers as a "blood sport" and I am intimidated to say the least. But roll up my sleeves, take a deep breath, and jump in I will (Yoda is that you?). It will be an interesting and entertaining learning curve. I will try to keep my eye centered on the thought of relaxing and knowing it will work out just like it is supposed to. Just let it happen. Deep breath.
     I am still very torn about living in Emeryville, just outside the city. I can get twice the space, parking, and a balcony for the same price as a closet in the City, but it isn't-- the City. I am so very torn between the two. Deep breath. I will close my eyes and in the end listen to my inner voice. I trust myself I'll know what to do when its time to decide.
     I know one thing. I have a POD full of SHIT waiting on me to be shipped. I have to let go of alot of crap regardless of where I live. Dear Lord in Heaven the process that is before me makes me swimmy headed and nauseous. Deep breath.
     No matter, life truly is a journey and I feel very much on the pathway of my life. This experience is teaching me so much. All of the anxiety is worth the learning about life, choices, and rewiring my thought processes. I am learning to have a greater sense of ownership of who I am and who I will shape myself to become. The process of evolving never stops.
     Change is difficult and I have to admit this entire process is much harder than I expected. I am learning that no matter how much you plan, it is alot about how you handle the curve balls. Your reactions and decisions to those can ultimately make the outcome of success or failure. It is the harmony you strike within yourself of these two forces that determines your ultimate fate.
     Three weeks in and I can with 1,000,000% certainty tell you I have made the right decision. I feel like I have only begun living my destiny. I have nothing but excitement for what is yet to come. Bring it..I'm ready.

Tootles :)
Heather

I'mmmm Here (Said In My Best Poltergeist Voice)

Greetings and Salutations, (this was written Sunday)
     It has been one week today that I arrived in California. I am so very excited but I have to admit out loud that I am taken mildly aback that I still have some adjusting to the culture shock that is San Francisco and California. It has been five years since I have lived here and I thought that totally counted. I have humbly discovered that even with prior experience, there is still plenty of readjusting ahead of me.
     I have been spending time this week thinking about how change effects us. Even self inflicted, change is stressful. In order to have the best experience possible while on this journey of change I will redirect my brain gently back to the present as much as possible when I get worked up about the next step before I get to it. Wondering when I will get a full time job. Worrying about the slightly (tongue in cheek) overwhelming process of deciding what part of the city, including outside of it, to live. Will I run out of savings before I land a job. One thing at a time. Breathe.
     Change. Its a challenging, often difficult to process to navigate. We naturally long for predictability in our lives. It makes us feel safe and secure. I guess that is a perspective I have never thought about until now. Change as a process, not just a feeling to be rated from 0-10 scale of unbearable  to most comfortable. It really is a process that you have to go through to get to the other side.
     That is why your temperament has everything to do with your interpretation of the effect the process has on you. One man's trench to wallow in is another man's mountain to conquer. Crappy all the way or surrender best you can and become one with the process. The choice, while rarely easy nor completely impossible is simply, complicatedly (is this a word?) up to the individual. Nothing is forever and what was uncomfortable yesterday with patience becomes tomorrows pleasure. I chose to see the mountain.
     This morning while I was eating breakfast I was enjoying TV (I haven't had cable since June last year). I was surfing and settled on a sermon with Joel OSteen already in progress.
     It was about being satisfied where ever you are in your current season (of life) even if it isn't quite where you want to be. To not fall into the trap of the proverbial carrot that dangles in front of you of contentment/satisfaction. If I get____, then I will be happy. If I get this or that job or this or that apartment/house then I'll be happy. Problem is human nature teaches us (if we pay attention) "then" never comes. Its always replaced with something else. We can get stuck in a life of discontentment/dissatisfaction. This was a very timely sermon. It reminded me of where I honestly do try to keep myself. Satisfaction with the moment I am in, while still keeping my eye on the goal.
     No matter how long it takes you to attain the goals you set for yourself in life never stop trying to get there. I can honestly say that if I wasn't as driven as I was for some things I can't even explain, I would have never made this move to California. I would have changed my mind a multitude of times along the way.
     I am still scared now. I just keep forging ahead. I will see this through success or fail. What I am trying to say is your journey has to be your own. It has to have meaning and have teeth for you and no one else. When you get scared and want to chicken out along the way, you have to have the fortitude to stick with your original plan because of what it means to you. That comes only from within you.
     I will take the time to remind myself when I get scared of the changes I am under going, it is a process like anything else in life and this too shall pass. This too shall improve and get better with time. I need to be as relaxed as possible to make the best choices along the way I can so that the outcome exceeds my expectations and fears. How can I really lose if I exceed either one of those two things?

Tootles :)
Heather

Recon Week San Francisco 2/2/2014

     This has been a draft forever (since 2/26/2014) and finally decided to publish it.

Well, I woke up at 0345 this morning and tried as I might, could not get back to bed. Lots banging around in the old noggin so I cried Uncle at 0430 and have been busy at getting some things off my list. My blog is one of them. I wrote this while I was on vacation in San Francisco. It is dated 2-2-2014
   
Greetings and Salutations,
     It is my recon week in San Francisco, 1st morning. I am filled with hope, gratitude, fear, and anticipation. I'm the only one up in the house (of my friend I am staying with) and I am relishing in the quite and stillness of the moment. I've brewed a pot of yum yum coffee (Peets, my fav she got for me) and figured out how to turn on the fire place on. What is it about fireplaces that I love so? Maybe it is because when you look into the flames, you slow down long enough to be reflective of your life past, present, and future.
     Yesterday we drove into the city (San Francisco) and again I felt at home. It is as if I have placed the life I had out here on pause, like a movie. I created a life out here that has been waiting on me to return if I chose to. It is such a beautiful city, the people its skyline. I love that it is the houses along it's hills that contribute to the skyline, not just skyscrapers.
     Ocean Beach was our first stop. The edge of the Pacific Ocean. So beautiful. The Beach Chalet- is a great place to watch the sun set out here. Great atmosphere and great drinks. Second stop The Buena Vista home of the ever famous Irish coffee. 3,000 is the rumor of how many they make in a day. Clark and Joe remembered me from 5 years ago in a place where thousands have since sat in my seat. What a special place. So much fun to be had with people from all over the world. The place has happy karma you can feel. Fun times where had there let me tell you. On second thought, I better not  :)
     Rounding out the day, we had a choice between a restaurant or a home cooked meal of a dear friend of my hosts. I am so glad we picked the latter. That night it truly did make all the difference in the world. Maybe I am going through some mind-bend, but I appreciated the hospitality in a way I have few times in my life. I observed how my friends interacted with their friends that they know so very well. It was like peeping into someone else's life. They were already in the process of making dinner and had enough for us all. I felt special to have been included. I felt like I was being invited into an inner circle of great friends.
     Its raining outside. With the fire going, in my PJs, and a hot cup of Joe I feel snugly and beyond content. I have my favorite piano music playing quietly. I have already read a chapter in my book, showered, and have half my makeup on for the day. Work stress is gone from my reflection in the mirror and Charleston feels like a separate life a million miles away.
     What will my life be like when I get here? I realize that I already have good friends here. Will I be able to make a life out here for myself? The one I see in my mind's eye? While it may feel like home it isn't. It is my second home. Will I miss South Carolina and Charleston too much? I gotta try and it feels so right.
     I feel blessed for what is to come. I feel blessed I am going after the life I want for myself and taking the time to get things into focus. What I want out of my time alive. Going for things, and not just this move, that for the first half of my life I didn't think possible or attainable. What an odd feeling to feel blessed about what is to come even with the inevitable setbacks that I know come with life. I guess it is partly because my perspective in how I deal with bumps in the road is much different than even 5 years ago.

     That is as far as I got before the house woke up and we all got on with the day. Hope you are all well and things are going great for you.
Tootles :)
Heather

Fear Sure Can Be Blinding

Greetings and Salutations,
      Brrr.. its cold around here. These are the times, along with many others, I wish I had a fireplace. Maybe my new apartment will have one (its high on the wish list). So lets get down to business of what's going on in my life and brain.
      So the move to San Francisco/Bay Area is on and in full swing. I sometimes feel as if I am in a fog or dream-like state. Sometimes I am blinded by excitement, other times crippled by unadulterated fear when I think about moving to San Francisco. On one hand I am scared to death to pick up and move. I fear I am sailing into financial ruin. I have chosen to move without having a job. The medical field is much different then when I was out there last. Manager's are able to cherry-pick their staff. As with anyone else in today's world cut backs, sending nurses home early, and lots of people vying for the same job make me very very nervous. I have been away from the bedside for five years. I would like to think I have a chance of landing a job that I actually like and not just "grabbing something". For five years I've been more on the end of just trying to get through the day vs truly liking my work. For the past nine months I've been grieving. I am more that ready for sunlight in my life.
     I am walking away from friends that I have worked hard to cultivate. I am walking away from a city I truly love that suffocates me concurrently. I am walking away from a job that paid the bills. I am walking away from the life I have made here. I am moving from a place where I feel like a big fish in a little pond to place where I may feel like a small fish in a big pond. There have been several points along the way thus far where I have been so scared I thought I'd pass out or puke for sure. Stuck in a point of knowing I can't and don't want to turn around and go back but being completely unable to put one foot in front of the other for fear the ground underneath me had evaporated.
     Part of me feels like I am leaving mom even though I know she isn't here. She so loved Charleston. I won't see her house anymore. I won't see her garden anymore. I won't see or touch the things that my step dad Fred has in the house they shared. Things that are just mom. The thought of this makes me cry. It is a large portion of what scares me underneath. What if I forget something about her? What if I don't even know what it is until I see it in the house when I go over to visit with Fred? What if it is just knowing I can go over to the house even if I rarely do? What if I never see some of the people that have been important to me again? These are the things that my fears are made of. This is what Fear whispers to me in the quite of the night and the recesses of my mind.
     I fear, however much of a tiny sliver of a chance that would be, that I will be all "hell yes" until I get out there and then chicken out just about the time I accept a job and sign a year lease on an apartment and wanna move back. What if I fail myself? I feel I can't and really don't want to come back to Charleston, yet South Carolina is the only home I've ever known. For the first time in my life I have to make a home without my mom. Its also difficult to imagine home in a place that's never really been......home.
     Now what about the excitement? I can just about pee my pants thinking about a place that I feel like I belong. I love the shear beauty of the West Coast in general. California is a beautiful state. San Francisco is my love. Yeah, the people are alittle strange, but I get that about them. Maybe I feel like they get that about me. I get the diversity. I love that about Cali. I love even the perceived work opportunities I know I will have available to me. I truly feel with the money I can make out there, even with the cost of living, I can give myself the life I want and aspire to have.
     I am going out there next week for a vacay and can't wait. My intent was not to have a depressing blog and point out only my fears because that isn't where my mind spends the most time. I just wanted to be honest and transparent on what my fears are. I reside mainly in the possibilities and excitement of this move. I am just plainly out of blog time. I will be bubbling over when I come back from my trip and will have the next blog be about the "rest of the story" (in my best Paul Harvey voice).
     The exuberant, happy, and know I am making the right choice in my soul blog. I know this to be true. No matter the fear, even if it ends in failure, I am doing what my soul is leading me to do and that is most awesome. Pushing past your fears and stretching to reach what you deeply desire I have to say, already rocks beyond my expectations. I can't wait to see what is around the next corner and that is coming up very soon. I leave it up to fate and destiny. Bring it......

Tootles :)
Heather

Thoughts of 2013

Greetings and Salutations,
     The original writing of this blog was done at Voodoo. As I transposed it to the computer I have intermingled today's thoughts with those of last night. I am so happy that I have found my "blog voice" again and thank you for following my blog. As always I am humbled that you come back and read my thoughts.
     I'm writing this at Voodoo New Years Eve. Its 735 pm and I figured I would multitask by coming out alittle early to blog and get a good seat at the bar. I hope you all have/had great plans to greet 2014 in your own special way. New Years has always been very important to me. Mostly it marks a new beginning when its easy to reset your efforts and get focused. Its a chance for a "do over". I love the opportunity to have another chance to get it right. To get closer to what I want out of my life.
     Hummm. The year in review for me. Started off awesome and very focused on my goals. In March the rug was pulled out from underneath me with the sudden and unexpected month long illness and subsequent death of my mother. March, April, May, and most of June quite frankly are a blur. While things will never be the same, I embrace with an open mind and heart of what my new future holds for me without her. I'll do my best to be the woman she saw when she looked at me. Giving up on discovering what my life is to be and happiness isn't an option. Simple as that.
     July, August, and September saw biking, swimming, and endless projects. I am sure alot of this was therapy and my way of working thought the first stages of grief. October saw mom's first birthday without her. Before I really had a chance to catch my breath it was time for the holidays. I saw a screeching halt to all of my activity. I even lost my blogging voice. Basically I went into survival mode. Wake up, go to work and come home. Anything beyond that was and has been daunting and overwhelming. This lasted October, November, and December.
     I made it through the "last time" of my first Christmas without her. I feel proud I made it though and without hating the holidays. Next year will be about new traditions and building on this years experience. This holiday season wasn't without trials and disappointments. But I am on the other side of it all and feel so much stronger for it. I haven't solved as many questions as I have learned more about myself and how I see life and the people in it.
     I have learned there is efficacy in allowing yourself to be where you are, even if its sad and depressed. Pain is part of life and it isn't about feeling it. For me it is all about how you process it. How long you give yourself permission to marinate in your sorrow. I believe it is a double edged sword to give yourself time to process the sadness and sorrow no matter the origin. You just have to be very very careful you keep one eye on the calendar. All things in moderation including the dark days. Then it is about determination and what you are willing to settle for. Period.
     This year has taught me alot. There have been a multitude of ups and downs sometimes in one day. I have learned I have a tough softness. I have learned despite great sorrow I still believe in great things. I believe deeply that in bad times "this too shall pass" is the truth. I believe in perseverance. I have cried alot. I see light and lots of it at the end of the tunnel and for that I am grateful. I look forward to getting back on track of swimming, biking, and projects galore.
     My sincere wish to each of you for 2014 is to reach for what burns deep inside you. Do what ever it takes to make it a reality. Things you never imagined can happen if you do what it takes. You don't have to have it all worked out in your head. Doors open to those who try to turn the knob, sometimes more than once. The door that is locked today can open tomorrow.
     Depression, setbacks, and mistakes don't have to define you or your life. Don't give up. I think the most important first step is to be honest with yourself about what you really want out of your life. Only then can you truly be willing to stop at nothing to achieve your dreams. Then its on like Donkey Kong. Happy New Year!

Tootles :)
Heather

California Dreaming

Greetings and Salutations,
     I have lots to report. I am or guess say I have all but decided to move to Berkeley, California in the San Francisco Bay Area in the next 4-6 months. This is, as the disclaimer goes, subject to change. Highly unlikely, but anything is possible. I have been thinking about this in all actuality for a very long time now. Thought I would move to San Francisco proper, but I think the direction of my life has changed over the past few years and I would rather enjoy SF from across the bay. So many things I want out of life come alittle easier outside the City. First thing is more space. Another list topper is it takes on average about $6,000 to get into a apartment in the city and I am just not up for all that comes with it.
     I am very familiar with the SF Bay area, and when my thoughts arrived at Berkeley, it just clicked. A peace settled over me. I've already planned a visit in the next few months. To look at my options with a resident's eye, not a traveler's. To refresh my senses and be sure what my gut is telling me 2700+ miles away is spot on. It's what my brain needs to be inline with my heart and instinct.
     There are so many things about Charleston I will miss. All my wonderful and awesome friends. My home. The weather. The beauty. The bridges. The beach. The simplicity life here offers. The life I have here. The things I won't miss are how pigeon-holed I feel professionally. There are so few choices of where to work in the medical field vs SF Bay Area. I know as much as you can without being a resident of what I am getting myself into out there. I truly have a deep love for all things California, especially San Francisco. It brings out the best in me if that makes sense.
     I have worked at a hospital in Berkeley in 2009 and will look to that and other options in the area. I am thinking about going back to Labor and Delivery as well as the ER again. I actually saw a post for a job in the ER for 8 hour shifts ( I about fell out of my chair) 0700-1500, 10-1830, and 1100-1930. Now I could go back to the ER with those kinds of shifts for sure. I still want to investigate options (surgery centers, eye centers, lumbar epidural centers). Unfortunately the L&D at this particular hospital is looking for experience within the past 2 years and mine is 1996 :)
     Even though I am really excited at the thought of moving out there I am scared as hell. Scared of leaving, scared of "what if it is a big ass mistake". My heart says "are you kidding, it s perfect" but my mind isn't convinced just yet. I suddenly feel like an adult. I still have lots to check out and think about before my decision is final. It will be vital that I find someone special to rent my house. This isn't rental property, its my home that I will come back to one day. I want someone that will take care of it.
     I have never moved my "home" cross country. I have been a South Carolina resident my whole life. I have always had SC plates and driver's licence. Even though I traveled for 10 years, Charleston has been home. It's felt kinda like a child playing with others in a room. Every so often they run back to check in with their mother before going off to play again. With mom gone, I no longer have someone to check in with. I am left to pursue my dreams. In the absence of my mom I feel the overwhelming pull to pursue a life outside of Charleston.
     Currently I need to put California on the back burner and and batten down the hatches to make it though my first holiday season without my mom and not, in the end, wind up hating it. I refuse to do that. This is my favorite time of the year. May God grant me the strength I need and seek. I'm gonna do all I can to make her proud. I'm gonna do all I can to not lose myself in my grief and continue to make the life I started before her death. I will keep my heart and mind open. I will learn from this. She is in my heart every minute of every day. Some times her absence in my life is just plain overwhelming. Its something I will learn to live with.

Tootles :)
Heather

Technology Comes With Responsibility

Greetings and Salutations,
     Hello and how are you? I have been busy trying to keep my head out of my ass and for the past two weeks and finally it was delivered this week. The storm (of grief) has passed and I am feeling much better. After a week of being physical every morning I am feeling oh so much better.
     So this past weekend I went to the State Fair. It was a fun and low key visit. The thing that struck me was watching the police officer, who had stopped traffic to let us cross the busy road, screw with his smart phone. He never looked up as we were crossing the street. Now I fully realize that there was another officer helping with traffic as well, but it struck me as of all people that should be fully engaged in what they are doing, this dude clearly wasn't. I was struck by how unprofessional it looked.
      We are a society that is hard pressed to be in one moment at a time. How many of you either observe someone texting while they are talking to you or you are doing that to someone else? That drives me crazy. Alittle of it I understand. Sometimes you need to touch base with someone you had texted earlier and they are getting back to you. Or you received a text. Excuse yourself and make it brief.
     I'm talking more about when people text the entire time you are talking to them, or trying to anyway. Most of the time (certainly not 100%) I turn my ringer OFF when I am spending time with someone. I try hard to be aware of how much of my undivided attention I give to the person I am with.
     We live in a world that is always on the grid. Its nice to get off of it with regularity and realize that you won't die if you don't answer the phone when it rings. That a message/text can go unanswered for HOURS or even a day if need be. That it is OK to be fully in the moment with the person you are with and not three people at once, two of which aren't even in the room with you.
      Seeing that officer reminded me that it is a learned behavior to have cell phones such a part of our lives moment to moment. Ten years ago he wouldn't have had a choice to have a smart phone at work to distract him. Maybe that is one reason I actively chose to have an idiot phone. Less distraction.
      I don't know the details of where, when, etc but I caught a story recently about someone on a city train that was shot and no one saw a thing that happened until after the fact because everyone was buried in their phone. How sad.
     I am not saying technology is a bad thing. I am just saying it is my belief that use of the very things that make our lives easier will own us if we don't set boundaries.  Not only for those around us, but for ourselves as well. How many times have you come off the grid for a few hours at a time? What about an entire 24 hour period? Have you ever left to go do an errand(s) and left your phone at home? (gasp)
     I challenge those of you that need to, to do this. For the rest, I challenge you to be acutely aware the next time you are texting when you are spending time with someone else. Be engaged in the moment you are in, not your damn phone.

Tootles :)
Heather