Thoughts Of the Future

Greetings and Salutations
     Good evening.. Hope all is well.. I have to admit that I am alittle short on creativity tonight.. I do have alot of personal thoughts bouncing around in my noggin'.. Not sure that I have an overall message of anything more than the fact that I constantly wonder how I will ever get to the place that I see when I close my eyes and picture my life.. Don't get me wrong, I by no means am going to give up.. I will keep at it until I get it period.. Like many things in my life I will not give up until I get it right or decide that I no longer want it.. I find that the road is calling to me again and I refuse to go out as I did before: 12 hour nights in the ER (mostly) It will have to be very different this time and I am not sure what is in my head is achievable in the nurse travel world.. Then again I have never tried the more sane departments that are out there to work in..
     I love the work life balance that I have obtained thus far in my life.. I am not even sure that travel nursing is what I want to do again.. I really love my life here.. I love my friends and I love being in my house with my things and Charleston in general.. Yet I can't see going through the next how ever many years with only 2 or 3 weeks off a year for vacation that you have to jocky for.. I have the desire to travel so strong in my blood ( and I don't mean to work) that I am not sure how to ignore it.. Somehow I have got to figure out a way to find a happy medium in my life of work and desire to travel the world..
     I have no desire to work 12 hour shifts again.. I can no longer work nights because I  #1 I flat out don't want to and  #2 I can't sleep during the day any longer.. I learned that a few years ago.. I love having evenings off so I can take a class, meet up with friends, and know that any given evening I am off and available to do what ever I please.. I like it that my life no longer revolves around my job.. I love it that I have a regular schedule and only work 8 hours a day.. I understand that you have to pick your poisons so maybe that is what I am trying to sort out.. What poison to I want to pick? D-- none of the above  :)  I want my cake and eat it too.. I just have to figure out how to go about obtaining that.. It is on my mind 24/7.. Last night I dreamed I had to start taking call again.. That was a nightmare!! LOL
     I have committed to making no decisions for atleast the next 6 months.. I am going to take a trip to somewhere I have never been in the next few months (weeks I hope) and I think this will help hold me over.. I need to let the events of the past month (+) sink in and get used to the idea that mom is gone.. Decide what direction I want to take my life next and formulate a plan.. I trust myself that I will know what to do when the time is right.. My inner voice hasn't let me down yet and I don't think it will start now.. I want to keep all options open and the right thing will happen if I keep my mind focused and open to all possibilities.. The last thing I need to do is go off half cocked about anything and make a mess out of the life I have worked so hard to achieve..
     It is most difficult to hold back and wait.. While I have learned to enjoy delayed gratification, it is still a bit tricky to live in that space all the time.. We all want it yesterday and now.. I will continue to work hard at blogging, keeping my eyes and ears peeled for options while my heart heals.. I want to do the right thing and keep my best interest at heart.. I know taking a deep breath and letting the dust settle is the right thing to do.. I love it here and want to figure out how to have the best of both worlds. My dream today is split my time between San Francisco and Charleston peppered with LOTS of international travel.. I have a deep love of Charleston and can't really imagine my life without this address in the mix.. Wonder how I will make that happen? Its gonna be interesting if nothing else

Tootles :)
Heather

This Week's Homework Assignment

Greetings and Salutations
     Hello and how are you? Today was my first day back after taking time for myself and I am happy to report that I took a deep breath and it was fine.. I got plenty of sleep and got up early.. Took my time and went in ready to let the day unfold as it was going to.. Had some great karma sent my way and while I felt as though I was working under water (it was kinda like TV slow-mo) I rate the experience as an A+ overall.. How grateful I am? More than I can express in words.. Still though, odd to not call mom on the way into work like I have every morning for 5 years and I still somewhat expect to see her any day now pop over to say she can help me in the yard or with some project around the house.. I am leaning hard on faith that this feeling will subside with time.. Saturday was terrible and I spent the entire day crying.. Felt like I digested another really big piece of the puzzle they call grief.. I have moved from the feeling of she is on vacation to knowing she is gone but my heart can't let my brain tell me where she really is.. The silence my step dad is living in must be deafening.. It is a challenge to go over to see him.. My mom is everywhere and it screws with my head.. I feel closer to her yet, it is painful at the same time..
  I want to encourage you to read.. It is truly the pathway to your destiny.. Teach yourself where you want to take yourself.. Does that make sense? It sure does to me.. Its like going to school without the formal tests and grades.. Real life is the test and I truly believe that you are the one who holds all the answers.. The grade is when you are living the life you dream about and work hard to obtain it.. It is about your persistence.. It is about being real with yourself and trying to go after what you want every day.. Even if it is only 15 minutes at a time.. I practice one place I would like to go every week when I blog.. Through this process I have discovered that I really love to write.. I want to learn more about it so I can get better and quicker.. That requires reading.. I want to learn more and reinforce what I have learned about money.. That requires more reading.. I can remember thinking that once, just once, I wanted to know the name of an author mentioned anywhere.. I have done that many times now.. It makes me smile when I am reading a book that is unrelated and I come across not only an author I know, but have already read the book they are talking about.. Call me a dork (dork) but I love that!!
     The getting started is the hardest part.. Once you get the momentum going of learning and teaching yourself about where you want to be and go it gets easier.. The books reinforce each other and it doesn't take long before you are reading and understand not only the concept they are talking about but you have watched it unfold in your own life.. I can blog about these things every Monday, but it isn't about my journey.. It is about yours.. You can't sit around doing the same things that don't put you closer to doing what you seek and hope it will just come to you.. Your journey will be different from mine.. Try things you never thought would work.. Next time you think the answer is no, ask.. Behave as if the answer is yes.. Challenge yourself this week to something.. Take steps to make it happen.. Write me.. Tell me what you planned and how it happened.. In the beginning, make it something simple.. Success is what you need to build on.. Let me know how it turned out.. Helpfulbee@gmail.com.. Here is to your success and many more!!

Tootles :)
Heather

My Gifts To Myself

Greetings and Salutations,

     I hope that things are progressing in your life as you dreamed or you are hard at work if you don't reside in the life that you want for yourself.. I am here this week in my life, putting back the pieces and moving forward after the loss of my mother.. Things are still a bit foggy for me in my heart and mind but I am taking this week (off) after her services to get my head put back on straight and move forward with my life as both of us would want.. I am blessed with the experiences that I have had and continue to have in the grieving process.. I have kept my mind and heart open and allowed things to unfold infront of me.. I could not of planned the smoothness in which each event has happened such as helping to plan the services, to shopping for my dress.. From the woman at the salon who fixed my hair for me and treated me with loving care to how time kindly slowed to never rush me or let me feel frazzled.. I was able to complete all the things I needed to do in order to prepare for her service.. I, along with my step dad and sister, spoke at her funeral.. My backyard deck looks like Hyam's Garden Center (well, almost) and I have had many moments of feeling my mom's presence while gardening.. 

     I have spent the time during her illness and since her death quietly listening to my inner voice and taking care of myself.. I have wonderful friends that I owe a total debt of gratitude for checking in on me, letting me cry in their presence, both in person and on the phone, and crying with me.. My mom was a magical person and I have been approached by many people in businesses that she frequented and had them share with me what my mom meant to them.. I have great memories of my mom and have done things to remember the passing of my mother's life with happiness and joy, not just sorrow..

     I bought a windchime today after carefully parousing for the one that would "speak to me".. I finally found it after a week and every time I hear it from this day forward it will make me smile and think of my mom.. In my mind it will be her talking to me and looking over my life.. Reminding me that she is never far away and that one day, not a moment before it is my time, I will see her again..  Those of you who know me personally know that I love classical music.. I had to chose only 25 minutes of what would represent my mom through music for the seating portion of the services.. It was a challenge until I closed my eyes and let the decision come from my heart.. I want to share the list with you.. Canon in D --Pachelbel (Sally Harmon version) //Windmills of My Mind (Sally Harmon version) All I Ask of You (Sally Harmon version Phantom of The Opera)// Music of The Night (Sally Harmon version Phantom of The Opera)//The Arrival of A Friend (Sally Harmon)// Joie de Vivre (Sally Harmon)//Killing Me Softly (Roberta Flack--a super fav of moms)// You Raise Me Up (Josh Groban).. Check it out and hope you enjoy it..

     I encourage each and everyone of you to find yourselves.. Find out who you are.. How to confort yourself in times when you are sad, life is screwing with you, or grief stricken.. Begin the journey of self actualization so that your life can be abundant with joy even in times of sorrow.. Bad times befall us all and I can't imagine what this would have begun to feel like if I hadn't started that journey a few years ago, but in earnest last May.. I have been able to cope with this most difficult time in my life by knowing myself and what I needed to heal intuitively.. I took time off from work because everyone I know that has had a death of a loved one and did not allow themselves to process it and grieve has paid for it dearly.. The road to recovery has been long for them and I want more for myself.. Pay now or pay later.. I chose to take time now so that the cost is minimal.. 

     I choose to practice healthy habits to deal with the pain and sadness such as acupuncture, yoga, music, and being social with my friends.. I have drank very little alcohol to my amazement actually.. I haven't started to smoke again (really can't believe that one) and I am plotting what I need to do to take my life to the next level of my dreams and desires.. I will look back on all of this as positive as possible.. To build on this for my future and know what I am made of.. I feel this is yet another brick in the foundation of who Heather is and will become..

     I have been on two dates with a fella and have a third planned tonight.. I have no idea where it will go but I am excited about the journey of discovering someone to spend time with and the possibilities of a relationship.. I finally feel a comfort in someone's presence I haven't felt, possibly ever.. I am beyond proud of myself of what has come out of my mouth in articulating my needs and wants out of a relationship with someone.. I really know what I want and see it so clearly now I feel fortunate it took this long.. I am in the moment I am meant to be.. This experience with my two dates thus far validates the existence of what I am looking for in a man.. I went out on the first date (with this fella) the day after mom died because I read the "tea leaves" and knew doing the opposite of what I was feeling was the right thing to do.. Mom wanted nothing more than for me to find love and be with someone that I could share myself with.. I think this just might be the first order of business my mom is doing for me in Heaven.. It is so something she would do.. I love her and will miss her deeply for the rest of my days..

Tootles :)

Heather