Twenty Years Worth Of Reflection

Greetings and Salutations
     Well tonight as I was thinking about my blog topic I came across several.. The one that I have settled on came about by thinking about all the habits that I am trying to improve upon in my life.. Laughing at myself that I wonder how many of these (bad) habits I could attribute to the fact that I lack two things in my life: a husband and kid (s).. What would these habits have been replaced with? This then leads me, as I have often, to ponder how different my life would have been with these two (or more) factors in it.. This month would have marked my twentieth wedding anniversary if I had not divorced in October of 1996.. I was twenty-six back then and had given my marriage all that I could after three years (together total of five) and made the conscious decision that the last thing I wanted to do was proceed with a marriage that just wasn't working.. Pick up a few kids along the way and get ten years down the road and then call it quits.. I wasn't interested in starting the whole process over again somewhere in my mid thirties.. I made a mistake getting married and decided it was time to be mature enough to admit it..
     I think of my friends that are happily married (or dating for that matter) without kids.. They have someone to be accountable to.. Someone that will get on them if they hit the snooze too many times, are slobs, or are too selfish etc.. Someone to have to atleast consider what they want for dinner: in or out, chicken or beef, eat at six or seven.. They have to compromise as to what to watch on TV/movie and on and on.. Sometimes I think it is a great disservice to live alone.. You have noone to call you on your habits.. No one to keep you on your toes.. No one to make you want to keep your legs and pits shaved or put on makeup and look nice for.. I think that is one of the many things in life I crave.. Someone to be accountable to.. Someone that I would want to be accountable to..
     Then I think of my friends with kids (married or not).. How those children have changed their lives.. I knew most of them before they had any.. All the self sacrifice that goes into raising a well adjusted child.. How a child makes you want to set a good example.. To be accountable to them.. Someone that is relying on you for dinner on the table at a predictable time.. Someone that looks to you for the answers in life.. Someone that looks to you to hold them or kiss a boo-boo and make it better.. Someone you help prepare for life by giving them the tools they need to become the best person they can and make a real difference in the world.. Where you can't sleep in on the weekends or say "I'll do that tomorrow" when someone is counting on you to do it today.. I wonder how different my life would be if I had acquired these things in my journey..
     Please don't misunderstand me.. I am not speaking in absolutes or utopia.. I am just speaking to the flip side of my life and every now and again I wonder what it would have been like if I would have made different choices.. Maybe you wonder sometimes what your life would be like if you were single instead of married with kids for most or all of it? Sometimes I wonder where I would be now if I had not done travel nursing for ten years.. Would I have been re-married by now? What kind of wife or mother would I have made? Would I have great kids or entitled selfish brats? If I had stuck it out with my ex, would we have made it? Would I have been miserable and bitter by now? Would we be on an island somewhere celebrating twenty years of overall bliss or torture?
     I have a friend that invited me over for breakfast the other morning.. What a blessing that was.. Everyone at the table.. Husband, wife, daughter, son (and me).. This is always a surreal experience for me when I get opportunities like this.. I felt like a fly on the wall.. In my life I have had very few times when I was at the family dinner table.. My parents divorced when I was nine.. Just the time I was about to have something real to contribute to the dinner time conversation it was the end of my parents marriage.. I think of how fortunate my friends are that still gather around a table with their children and have family time.. It makes me smile when I know they can't appreciate it from the outside looking in and I am apart of it..
     Does it actually matter if my biggest problem in life is that there is no one to answer to if I sleep in on a Saturday morning vs the "at the moment" drama of a teenager? Maybe the point is that life is a constant process.. Live in the moment of where ever you are and work with what you have.. Always strive to be the best you can be.. Keep your mind and heart open and know that no matter what, life is in a constant state of change and what you have today you can lose tomorrow and what you don't have today you could gain tomorrow.. Maybe real life is a balance of those two processes moving towards each other at the same time and managing a comfortable spot in the middle..


Tootles :)
Heather