Greetings and Salutations
Tonight I want to share with you my perspective of how I see having a positive belief system can share many gifts with you, especially when you need it the most.. Fun times are easy.. Bad times can suck the life out of you if you haven't already laid the ground work for how to deal with them.. I want to express how even thought I am in a very difficult and dark time in my life, my attitude is working to make a difference within me..
There are so very many things that have gone to the way side for me since the illness and death of my mother.. I have forgotten how to spell the word budget.. I have spent money somewhat cautiously but without adding up the receipts.. While at times it was a challenge, I had to remind myself that my wallet had a bottom to it.. I was, however, able to comfort myself by purchasing things that made sense.. Things that I would have or activities I would do to have positive memories to mark the passing of my mother.. Wind chimes, countless trips (eight I think) to Hyam's for plants, a new dress for the services, and unpaid time off to grieve.. Dining out and meeting friends out for drinks when ever I wanted or needed to.. I am thankful that I had the money to afford myself the luxuries that I did.. It was hard work and discipline to have it in savings and accessible in the first place.. It is now time to reel it in, recover, and replace the money that I have spent.. To prepare for future needs that will undoubtedly come up.. It will take me time, but I will get back on track..
I have gained weight.. Not enough to need new clothes but I have to tell you enough to really make me uncomfortable in my own skin.. One too many pizza's that at the time I was grateful that I was in the mood to even eat. Its funny how when you are really depressed all you can handle or want is junk food unless I guess you are one of those lucky people who never learned to eat crappy food in the first place.. I feel like I have gained the little weight I had lost before and kept it off until now.. This will change.. I can't remain like I am for long.. I am just too uncomfortable.. I know intellectually that exercise helps depression and anxiety.. And I also know that it is next to impossible to get your ass out of bed or off the couch for any thing more than the bare necessities to function and survive when you are depressed or have no inspiration.. It came to me the other day maybe one of the keys to getting exercise off the list and onto the pavement is the window of weakened depression/lack of motivation.. I keep this in mind and will be waiting in my running shoes when the mental clouds clear and they will.. I have needed to loose weight long before I lost my mother.. I will get back on track..
I strive to keep the house clean during the week so I can stop wasting away my weekends feeling obligated to clean the house because my habits during the week are lacking.. I've gotta admit my achilles heel is picking up after myself.. I have friends and a social life that I have never had before.. In the past it was all about work.. When I was on, when I was off, when I was sleeping, when I was flipping over from nights back to days and days back to nights, and if I wasn't at the bar back then I was on my couch watching TV.. My life is more than that now.. So my habits must change with it and I was hard at work about that.. I will get back on track..
I had lots of personal goals (twenty-two total to be exact) I had set for myself and was hard at work to complete for each quarter of the year.. To say these have been on the back burner is a gross understatement.. So what is the point that I wanted to share with you about how far off base I am and what that has to do with a positive attitude? That no matter how discouraged I may get for the moment, I have hope.. It grows within me everyday.. Tomorrow is a chance to get it right again and I take every chance I am given even if I am unsuccessful.. One day I will get it right and move onto the next thing on my list.. I know dark and sad days will pass and I try to be patient for them to leave me.. This too shall pass right?
I haven't given up on my dreams.. I keep my chin up even if there are tears in my eyes and still plug away at my goals.. My strides in life for the moment are just smaller than before.. I am still moving forward and I am thankful that I am able to see the sliver lining in life.. I have prepared myself well and continue to reap the rewards of my insight into myself and the world around me.. I continue to be a student of life and always thankful I keep a sunny disposition while learning.. A negative belief system robs you of hope, faith, resilience, and happiness to name a few key ingredients that I believe make a life worth having and living.. You shouldn't have to always feel happiness to believe it is just around the corner.. Finally I can see negative thinking and all that comes with it as the parasite that it is.. Can you?
Tootles :)
Heather
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
Twenty Years Worth Of Reflection
Greetings and Salutations
Well tonight as I was thinking about my blog topic I came across several.. The one that I have settled on came about by thinking about all the habits that I am trying to improve upon in my life.. Laughing at myself that I wonder how many of these (bad) habits I could attribute to the fact that I lack two things in my life: a husband and kid (s).. What would these habits have been replaced with? This then leads me, as I have often, to ponder how different my life would have been with these two (or more) factors in it.. This month would have marked my twentieth wedding anniversary if I had not divorced in October of 1996.. I was twenty-six back then and had given my marriage all that I could after three years (together total of five) and made the conscious decision that the last thing I wanted to do was proceed with a marriage that just wasn't working.. Pick up a few kids along the way and get ten years down the road and then call it quits.. I wasn't interested in starting the whole process over again somewhere in my mid thirties.. I made a mistake getting married and decided it was time to be mature enough to admit it..
I think of my friends that are happily married (or dating for that matter) without kids.. They have someone to be accountable to.. Someone that will get on them if they hit the snooze too many times, are slobs, or are too selfish etc.. Someone to have to atleast consider what they want for dinner: in or out, chicken or beef, eat at six or seven.. They have to compromise as to what to watch on TV/movie and on and on.. Sometimes I think it is a great disservice to live alone.. You have noone to call you on your habits.. No one to keep you on your toes.. No one to make you want to keep your legs and pits shaved or put on makeup and look nice for.. I think that is one of the many things in life I crave.. Someone to be accountable to.. Someone that I would want to be accountable to..
Then I think of my friends with kids (married or not).. How those children have changed their lives.. I knew most of them before they had any.. All the self sacrifice that goes into raising a well adjusted child.. How a child makes you want to set a good example.. To be accountable to them.. Someone that is relying on you for dinner on the table at a predictable time.. Someone that looks to you for the answers in life.. Someone that looks to you to hold them or kiss a boo-boo and make it better.. Someone you help prepare for life by giving them the tools they need to become the best person they can and make a real difference in the world.. Where you can't sleep in on the weekends or say "I'll do that tomorrow" when someone is counting on you to do it today.. I wonder how different my life would be if I had acquired these things in my journey..
Please don't misunderstand me.. I am not speaking in absolutes or utopia.. I am just speaking to the flip side of my life and every now and again I wonder what it would have been like if I would have made different choices.. Maybe you wonder sometimes what your life would be like if you were single instead of married with kids for most or all of it? Sometimes I wonder where I would be now if I had not done travel nursing for ten years.. Would I have been re-married by now? What kind of wife or mother would I have made? Would I have great kids or entitled selfish brats? If I had stuck it out with my ex, would we have made it? Would I have been miserable and bitter by now? Would we be on an island somewhere celebrating twenty years of overall bliss or torture?
I have a friend that invited me over for breakfast the other morning.. What a blessing that was.. Everyone at the table.. Husband, wife, daughter, son (and me).. This is always a surreal experience for me when I get opportunities like this.. I felt like a fly on the wall.. In my life I have had very few times when I was at the family dinner table.. My parents divorced when I was nine.. Just the time I was about to have something real to contribute to the dinner time conversation it was the end of my parents marriage.. I think of how fortunate my friends are that still gather around a table with their children and have family time.. It makes me smile when I know they can't appreciate it from the outside looking in and I am apart of it..
Does it actually matter if my biggest problem in life is that there is no one to answer to if I sleep in on a Saturday morning vs the "at the moment" drama of a teenager? Maybe the point is that life is a constant process.. Live in the moment of where ever you are and work with what you have.. Always strive to be the best you can be.. Keep your mind and heart open and know that no matter what, life is in a constant state of change and what you have today you can lose tomorrow and what you don't have today you could gain tomorrow.. Maybe real life is a balance of those two processes moving towards each other at the same time and managing a comfortable spot in the middle..
Tootles :)
Heather
Well tonight as I was thinking about my blog topic I came across several.. The one that I have settled on came about by thinking about all the habits that I am trying to improve upon in my life.. Laughing at myself that I wonder how many of these (bad) habits I could attribute to the fact that I lack two things in my life: a husband and kid (s).. What would these habits have been replaced with? This then leads me, as I have often, to ponder how different my life would have been with these two (or more) factors in it.. This month would have marked my twentieth wedding anniversary if I had not divorced in October of 1996.. I was twenty-six back then and had given my marriage all that I could after three years (together total of five) and made the conscious decision that the last thing I wanted to do was proceed with a marriage that just wasn't working.. Pick up a few kids along the way and get ten years down the road and then call it quits.. I wasn't interested in starting the whole process over again somewhere in my mid thirties.. I made a mistake getting married and decided it was time to be mature enough to admit it..
I think of my friends that are happily married (or dating for that matter) without kids.. They have someone to be accountable to.. Someone that will get on them if they hit the snooze too many times, are slobs, or are too selfish etc.. Someone to have to atleast consider what they want for dinner: in or out, chicken or beef, eat at six or seven.. They have to compromise as to what to watch on TV/movie and on and on.. Sometimes I think it is a great disservice to live alone.. You have noone to call you on your habits.. No one to keep you on your toes.. No one to make you want to keep your legs and pits shaved or put on makeup and look nice for.. I think that is one of the many things in life I crave.. Someone to be accountable to.. Someone that I would want to be accountable to..
Then I think of my friends with kids (married or not).. How those children have changed their lives.. I knew most of them before they had any.. All the self sacrifice that goes into raising a well adjusted child.. How a child makes you want to set a good example.. To be accountable to them.. Someone that is relying on you for dinner on the table at a predictable time.. Someone that looks to you for the answers in life.. Someone that looks to you to hold them or kiss a boo-boo and make it better.. Someone you help prepare for life by giving them the tools they need to become the best person they can and make a real difference in the world.. Where you can't sleep in on the weekends or say "I'll do that tomorrow" when someone is counting on you to do it today.. I wonder how different my life would be if I had acquired these things in my journey..
Please don't misunderstand me.. I am not speaking in absolutes or utopia.. I am just speaking to the flip side of my life and every now and again I wonder what it would have been like if I would have made different choices.. Maybe you wonder sometimes what your life would be like if you were single instead of married with kids for most or all of it? Sometimes I wonder where I would be now if I had not done travel nursing for ten years.. Would I have been re-married by now? What kind of wife or mother would I have made? Would I have great kids or entitled selfish brats? If I had stuck it out with my ex, would we have made it? Would I have been miserable and bitter by now? Would we be on an island somewhere celebrating twenty years of overall bliss or torture?
I have a friend that invited me over for breakfast the other morning.. What a blessing that was.. Everyone at the table.. Husband, wife, daughter, son (and me).. This is always a surreal experience for me when I get opportunities like this.. I felt like a fly on the wall.. In my life I have had very few times when I was at the family dinner table.. My parents divorced when I was nine.. Just the time I was about to have something real to contribute to the dinner time conversation it was the end of my parents marriage.. I think of how fortunate my friends are that still gather around a table with their children and have family time.. It makes me smile when I know they can't appreciate it from the outside looking in and I am apart of it..
Does it actually matter if my biggest problem in life is that there is no one to answer to if I sleep in on a Saturday morning vs the "at the moment" drama of a teenager? Maybe the point is that life is a constant process.. Live in the moment of where ever you are and work with what you have.. Always strive to be the best you can be.. Keep your mind and heart open and know that no matter what, life is in a constant state of change and what you have today you can lose tomorrow and what you don't have today you could gain tomorrow.. Maybe real life is a balance of those two processes moving towards each other at the same time and managing a comfortable spot in the middle..
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, May 13, 2013
Thoughts Of the Future
Greetings and Salutations
Good evening.. Hope all is well.. I have to admit that I am alittle short on creativity tonight.. I do have alot of personal thoughts bouncing around in my noggin'.. Not sure that I have an overall message of anything more than the fact that I constantly wonder how I will ever get to the place that I see when I close my eyes and picture my life.. Don't get me wrong, I by no means am going to give up.. I will keep at it until I get it period.. Like many things in my life I will not give up until I get it right or decide that I no longer want it.. I find that the road is calling to me again and I refuse to go out as I did before: 12 hour nights in the ER (mostly) It will have to be very different this time and I am not sure what is in my head is achievable in the nurse travel world.. Then again I have never tried the more sane departments that are out there to work in..
I love the work life balance that I have obtained thus far in my life.. I am not even sure that travel nursing is what I want to do again.. I really love my life here.. I love my friends and I love being in my house with my things and Charleston in general.. Yet I can't see going through the next how ever many years with only 2 or 3 weeks off a year for vacation that you have to jocky for.. I have the desire to travel so strong in my blood ( and I don't mean to work) that I am not sure how to ignore it.. Somehow I have got to figure out a way to find a happy medium in my life of work and desire to travel the world..
I have no desire to work 12 hour shifts again.. I can no longer work nights because I #1 I flat out don't want to and #2 I can't sleep during the day any longer.. I learned that a few years ago.. I love having evenings off so I can take a class, meet up with friends, and know that any given evening I am off and available to do what ever I please.. I like it that my life no longer revolves around my job.. I love it that I have a regular schedule and only work 8 hours a day.. I understand that you have to pick your poisons so maybe that is what I am trying to sort out.. What poison to I want to pick? D-- none of the above :) I want my cake and eat it too.. I just have to figure out how to go about obtaining that.. It is on my mind 24/7.. Last night I dreamed I had to start taking call again.. That was a nightmare!! LOL
I have committed to making no decisions for atleast the next 6 months.. I am going to take a trip to somewhere I have never been in the next few months (weeks I hope) and I think this will help hold me over.. I need to let the events of the past month (+) sink in and get used to the idea that mom is gone.. Decide what direction I want to take my life next and formulate a plan.. I trust myself that I will know what to do when the time is right.. My inner voice hasn't let me down yet and I don't think it will start now.. I want to keep all options open and the right thing will happen if I keep my mind focused and open to all possibilities.. The last thing I need to do is go off half cocked about anything and make a mess out of the life I have worked so hard to achieve..
It is most difficult to hold back and wait.. While I have learned to enjoy delayed gratification, it is still a bit tricky to live in that space all the time.. We all want it yesterday and now.. I will continue to work hard at blogging, keeping my eyes and ears peeled for options while my heart heals.. I want to do the right thing and keep my best interest at heart.. I know taking a deep breath and letting the dust settle is the right thing to do.. I love it here and want to figure out how to have the best of both worlds. My dream today is split my time between San Francisco and Charleston peppered with LOTS of international travel.. I have a deep love of Charleston and can't really imagine my life without this address in the mix.. Wonder how I will make that happen? Its gonna be interesting if nothing else
Tootles :)
Heather
Good evening.. Hope all is well.. I have to admit that I am alittle short on creativity tonight.. I do have alot of personal thoughts bouncing around in my noggin'.. Not sure that I have an overall message of anything more than the fact that I constantly wonder how I will ever get to the place that I see when I close my eyes and picture my life.. Don't get me wrong, I by no means am going to give up.. I will keep at it until I get it period.. Like many things in my life I will not give up until I get it right or decide that I no longer want it.. I find that the road is calling to me again and I refuse to go out as I did before: 12 hour nights in the ER (mostly) It will have to be very different this time and I am not sure what is in my head is achievable in the nurse travel world.. Then again I have never tried the more sane departments that are out there to work in..
I love the work life balance that I have obtained thus far in my life.. I am not even sure that travel nursing is what I want to do again.. I really love my life here.. I love my friends and I love being in my house with my things and Charleston in general.. Yet I can't see going through the next how ever many years with only 2 or 3 weeks off a year for vacation that you have to jocky for.. I have the desire to travel so strong in my blood ( and I don't mean to work) that I am not sure how to ignore it.. Somehow I have got to figure out a way to find a happy medium in my life of work and desire to travel the world..
I have no desire to work 12 hour shifts again.. I can no longer work nights because I #1 I flat out don't want to and #2 I can't sleep during the day any longer.. I learned that a few years ago.. I love having evenings off so I can take a class, meet up with friends, and know that any given evening I am off and available to do what ever I please.. I like it that my life no longer revolves around my job.. I love it that I have a regular schedule and only work 8 hours a day.. I understand that you have to pick your poisons so maybe that is what I am trying to sort out.. What poison to I want to pick? D-- none of the above :) I want my cake and eat it too.. I just have to figure out how to go about obtaining that.. It is on my mind 24/7.. Last night I dreamed I had to start taking call again.. That was a nightmare!! LOL
I have committed to making no decisions for atleast the next 6 months.. I am going to take a trip to somewhere I have never been in the next few months (weeks I hope) and I think this will help hold me over.. I need to let the events of the past month (+) sink in and get used to the idea that mom is gone.. Decide what direction I want to take my life next and formulate a plan.. I trust myself that I will know what to do when the time is right.. My inner voice hasn't let me down yet and I don't think it will start now.. I want to keep all options open and the right thing will happen if I keep my mind focused and open to all possibilities.. The last thing I need to do is go off half cocked about anything and make a mess out of the life I have worked so hard to achieve..
It is most difficult to hold back and wait.. While I have learned to enjoy delayed gratification, it is still a bit tricky to live in that space all the time.. We all want it yesterday and now.. I will continue to work hard at blogging, keeping my eyes and ears peeled for options while my heart heals.. I want to do the right thing and keep my best interest at heart.. I know taking a deep breath and letting the dust settle is the right thing to do.. I love it here and want to figure out how to have the best of both worlds. My dream today is split my time between San Francisco and Charleston peppered with LOTS of international travel.. I have a deep love of Charleston and can't really imagine my life without this address in the mix.. Wonder how I will make that happen? Its gonna be interesting if nothing else
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, May 6, 2013
This Week's Homework Assignment
Greetings and Salutations
Hello and how are you? Today was my first day back after taking time for myself and I am happy to report that I took a deep breath and it was fine.. I got plenty of sleep and got up early.. Took my time and went in ready to let the day unfold as it was going to.. Had some great karma sent my way and while I felt as though I was working under water (it was kinda like TV slow-mo) I rate the experience as an A+ overall.. How grateful I am? More than I can express in words.. Still though, odd to not call mom on the way into work like I have every morning for 5 years and I still somewhat expect to see her any day now pop over to say she can help me in the yard or with some project around the house.. I am leaning hard on faith that this feeling will subside with time.. Saturday was terrible and I spent the entire day crying.. Felt like I digested another really big piece of the puzzle they call grief.. I have moved from the feeling of she is on vacation to knowing she is gone but my heart can't let my brain tell me where she really is.. The silence my step dad is living in must be deafening.. It is a challenge to go over to see him.. My mom is everywhere and it screws with my head.. I feel closer to her yet, it is painful at the same time..
I want to encourage you to read.. It is truly the pathway to your destiny.. Teach yourself where you want to take yourself.. Does that make sense? It sure does to me.. Its like going to school without the formal tests and grades.. Real life is the test and I truly believe that you are the one who holds all the answers.. The grade is when you are living the life you dream about and work hard to obtain it.. It is about your persistence.. It is about being real with yourself and trying to go after what you want every day.. Even if it is only 15 minutes at a time.. I practice one place I would like to go every week when I blog.. Through this process I have discovered that I really love to write.. I want to learn more about it so I can get better and quicker.. That requires reading.. I want to learn more and reinforce what I have learned about money.. That requires more reading.. I can remember thinking that once, just once, I wanted to know the name of an author mentioned anywhere.. I have done that many times now.. It makes me smile when I am reading a book that is unrelated and I come across not only an author I know, but have already read the book they are talking about.. Call me a dork (dork) but I love that!!
The getting started is the hardest part.. Once you get the momentum going of learning and teaching yourself about where you want to be and go it gets easier.. The books reinforce each other and it doesn't take long before you are reading and understand not only the concept they are talking about but you have watched it unfold in your own life.. I can blog about these things every Monday, but it isn't about my journey.. It is about yours.. You can't sit around doing the same things that don't put you closer to doing what you seek and hope it will just come to you.. Your journey will be different from mine.. Try things you never thought would work.. Next time you think the answer is no, ask.. Behave as if the answer is yes.. Challenge yourself this week to something.. Take steps to make it happen.. Write me.. Tell me what you planned and how it happened.. In the beginning, make it something simple.. Success is what you need to build on.. Let me know how it turned out.. Helpfulbee@gmail.com.. Here is to your success and many more!!
Tootles :)
Heather
Hello and how are you? Today was my first day back after taking time for myself and I am happy to report that I took a deep breath and it was fine.. I got plenty of sleep and got up early.. Took my time and went in ready to let the day unfold as it was going to.. Had some great karma sent my way and while I felt as though I was working under water (it was kinda like TV slow-mo) I rate the experience as an A+ overall.. How grateful I am? More than I can express in words.. Still though, odd to not call mom on the way into work like I have every morning for 5 years and I still somewhat expect to see her any day now pop over to say she can help me in the yard or with some project around the house.. I am leaning hard on faith that this feeling will subside with time.. Saturday was terrible and I spent the entire day crying.. Felt like I digested another really big piece of the puzzle they call grief.. I have moved from the feeling of she is on vacation to knowing she is gone but my heart can't let my brain tell me where she really is.. The silence my step dad is living in must be deafening.. It is a challenge to go over to see him.. My mom is everywhere and it screws with my head.. I feel closer to her yet, it is painful at the same time..
I want to encourage you to read.. It is truly the pathway to your destiny.. Teach yourself where you want to take yourself.. Does that make sense? It sure does to me.. Its like going to school without the formal tests and grades.. Real life is the test and I truly believe that you are the one who holds all the answers.. The grade is when you are living the life you dream about and work hard to obtain it.. It is about your persistence.. It is about being real with yourself and trying to go after what you want every day.. Even if it is only 15 minutes at a time.. I practice one place I would like to go every week when I blog.. Through this process I have discovered that I really love to write.. I want to learn more about it so I can get better and quicker.. That requires reading.. I want to learn more and reinforce what I have learned about money.. That requires more reading.. I can remember thinking that once, just once, I wanted to know the name of an author mentioned anywhere.. I have done that many times now.. It makes me smile when I am reading a book that is unrelated and I come across not only an author I know, but have already read the book they are talking about.. Call me a dork (dork) but I love that!!
The getting started is the hardest part.. Once you get the momentum going of learning and teaching yourself about where you want to be and go it gets easier.. The books reinforce each other and it doesn't take long before you are reading and understand not only the concept they are talking about but you have watched it unfold in your own life.. I can blog about these things every Monday, but it isn't about my journey.. It is about yours.. You can't sit around doing the same things that don't put you closer to doing what you seek and hope it will just come to you.. Your journey will be different from mine.. Try things you never thought would work.. Next time you think the answer is no, ask.. Behave as if the answer is yes.. Challenge yourself this week to something.. Take steps to make it happen.. Write me.. Tell me what you planned and how it happened.. In the beginning, make it something simple.. Success is what you need to build on.. Let me know how it turned out.. Helpfulbee@gmail.com.. Here is to your success and many more!!
Tootles :)
Heather
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