Greetings and Salutations,
Brrr.. its cold around here. These are the times, along with many others, I wish I had a fireplace. Maybe my new apartment will have one (its high on the wish list). So lets get down to business of what's going on in my life and brain.
So the move to San Francisco/Bay Area is on and in full swing. I sometimes feel as if I am in a fog or dream-like state. Sometimes I am blinded by excitement, other times crippled by unadulterated fear when I think about moving to San Francisco. On one hand I am scared to death to pick up and move. I fear I am sailing into financial ruin. I have chosen to move without having a job. The medical field is much different then when I was out there last. Manager's are able to cherry-pick their staff. As with anyone else in today's world cut backs, sending nurses home early, and lots of people vying for the same job make me very very nervous. I have been away from the bedside for five years. I would like to think I have a chance of landing a job that I actually like and not just "grabbing something". For five years I've been more on the end of just trying to get through the day vs truly liking my work. For the past nine months I've been grieving. I am more that ready for sunlight in my life.
I am walking away from friends that I have worked hard to cultivate. I am walking away from a city I truly love that suffocates me concurrently. I am walking away from a job that paid the bills. I am walking away from the life I have made here. I am moving from a place where I feel like a big fish in a little pond to place where I may feel like a small fish in a big pond. There have been several points along the way thus far where I have been so scared I thought I'd pass out or puke for sure. Stuck in a point of knowing I can't and don't want to turn around and go back but being completely unable to put one foot in front of the other for fear the ground underneath me had evaporated.
Part of me feels like I am leaving mom even though I know she isn't here. She so loved Charleston. I won't see her house anymore. I won't see her garden anymore. I won't see or touch the things that my step dad Fred has in the house they shared. Things that are just mom. The thought of this makes me cry. It is a large portion of what scares me underneath. What if I forget something about her? What if I don't even know what it is until I see it in the house when I go over to visit with Fred? What if it is just knowing I can go over to the house even if I rarely do? What if I never see some of the people that have been important to me again? These are the things that my fears are made of. This is what Fear whispers to me in the quite of the night and the recesses of my mind.
I fear, however much of a tiny sliver of a chance that would be, that I will be all "hell yes" until I get out there and then chicken out just about the time I accept a job and sign a year lease on an apartment and wanna move back. What if I fail myself? I feel I can't and really don't want to come back to Charleston, yet South Carolina is the only home I've ever known. For the first time in my life I have to make a home without my mom. Its also difficult to imagine home in a place that's never really been......home.
Now what about the excitement? I can just about pee my pants thinking about a place that I feel like I belong. I love the shear beauty of the West Coast in general. California is a beautiful state. San Francisco is my love. Yeah, the people are alittle strange, but I get that about them. Maybe I feel like they get that about me. I get the diversity. I love that about Cali. I love even the perceived work opportunities I know I will have available to me. I truly feel with the money I can make out there, even with the cost of living, I can give myself the life I want and aspire to have.
I am going out there next week for a vacay and can't wait. My intent was not to have a depressing blog and point out only my fears because that isn't where my mind spends the most time. I just wanted to be honest and transparent on what my fears are. I reside mainly in the possibilities and excitement of this move. I am just plainly out of blog time. I will be bubbling over when I come back from my trip and will have the next blog be about the "rest of the story" (in my best Paul Harvey voice).
The exuberant, happy, and know I am making the right choice in my soul blog. I know this to be true. No matter the fear, even if it ends in failure, I am doing what my soul is leading me to do and that is most awesome. Pushing past your fears and stretching to reach what you deeply desire I have to say, already rocks beyond my expectations. I can't wait to see what is around the next corner and that is coming up very soon. I leave it up to fate and destiny. Bring it......
Tootles :)
Heather
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Thoughts of 2013
Greetings and Salutations,
The original writing of this blog was done at Voodoo. As I transposed it to the computer I have intermingled today's thoughts with those of last night. I am so happy that I have found my "blog voice" again and thank you for following my blog. As always I am humbled that you come back and read my thoughts.
I'm writing this at Voodoo New Years Eve. Its 735 pm and I figured I would multitask by coming out alittle early to blog and get a good seat at the bar. I hope you all have/had great plans to greet 2014 in your own special way. New Years has always been very important to me. Mostly it marks a new beginning when its easy to reset your efforts and get focused. Its a chance for a "do over". I love the opportunity to have another chance to get it right. To get closer to what I want out of my life.
Hummm. The year in review for me. Started off awesome and very focused on my goals. In March the rug was pulled out from underneath me with the sudden and unexpected month long illness and subsequent death of my mother. March, April, May, and most of June quite frankly are a blur. While things will never be the same, I embrace with an open mind and heart of what my new future holds for me without her. I'll do my best to be the woman she saw when she looked at me. Giving up on discovering what my life is to be and happiness isn't an option. Simple as that.
July, August, and September saw biking, swimming, and endless projects. I am sure alot of this was therapy and my way of working thought the first stages of grief. October saw mom's first birthday without her. Before I really had a chance to catch my breath it was time for the holidays. I saw a screeching halt to all of my activity. I even lost my blogging voice. Basically I went into survival mode. Wake up, go to work and come home. Anything beyond that was and has been daunting and overwhelming. This lasted October, November, and December.
I made it through the "last time" of my first Christmas without her. I feel proud I made it though and without hating the holidays. Next year will be about new traditions and building on this years experience. This holiday season wasn't without trials and disappointments. But I am on the other side of it all and feel so much stronger for it. I haven't solved as many questions as I have learned more about myself and how I see life and the people in it.
I have learned there is efficacy in allowing yourself to be where you are, even if its sad and depressed. Pain is part of life and it isn't about feeling it. For me it is all about how you process it. How long you give yourself permission to marinate in your sorrow. I believe it is a double edged sword to give yourself time to process the sadness and sorrow no matter the origin. You just have to be very very careful you keep one eye on the calendar. All things in moderation including the dark days. Then it is about determination and what you are willing to settle for. Period.
This year has taught me alot. There have been a multitude of ups and downs sometimes in one day. I have learned I have a tough softness. I have learned despite great sorrow I still believe in great things. I believe deeply that in bad times "this too shall pass" is the truth. I believe in perseverance. I have cried alot. I see light and lots of it at the end of the tunnel and for that I am grateful. I look forward to getting back on track of swimming, biking, and projects galore.
My sincere wish to each of you for 2014 is to reach for what burns deep inside you. Do what ever it takes to make it a reality. Things you never imagined can happen if you do what it takes. You don't have to have it all worked out in your head. Doors open to those who try to turn the knob, sometimes more than once. The door that is locked today can open tomorrow.
Depression, setbacks, and mistakes don't have to define you or your life. Don't give up. I think the most important first step is to be honest with yourself about what you really want out of your life. Only then can you truly be willing to stop at nothing to achieve your dreams. Then its on like Donkey Kong. Happy New Year!
Tootles :)
Heather
The original writing of this blog was done at Voodoo. As I transposed it to the computer I have intermingled today's thoughts with those of last night. I am so happy that I have found my "blog voice" again and thank you for following my blog. As always I am humbled that you come back and read my thoughts.
I'm writing this at Voodoo New Years Eve. Its 735 pm and I figured I would multitask by coming out alittle early to blog and get a good seat at the bar. I hope you all have/had great plans to greet 2014 in your own special way. New Years has always been very important to me. Mostly it marks a new beginning when its easy to reset your efforts and get focused. Its a chance for a "do over". I love the opportunity to have another chance to get it right. To get closer to what I want out of my life.
Hummm. The year in review for me. Started off awesome and very focused on my goals. In March the rug was pulled out from underneath me with the sudden and unexpected month long illness and subsequent death of my mother. March, April, May, and most of June quite frankly are a blur. While things will never be the same, I embrace with an open mind and heart of what my new future holds for me without her. I'll do my best to be the woman she saw when she looked at me. Giving up on discovering what my life is to be and happiness isn't an option. Simple as that.
July, August, and September saw biking, swimming, and endless projects. I am sure alot of this was therapy and my way of working thought the first stages of grief. October saw mom's first birthday without her. Before I really had a chance to catch my breath it was time for the holidays. I saw a screeching halt to all of my activity. I even lost my blogging voice. Basically I went into survival mode. Wake up, go to work and come home. Anything beyond that was and has been daunting and overwhelming. This lasted October, November, and December.
I made it through the "last time" of my first Christmas without her. I feel proud I made it though and without hating the holidays. Next year will be about new traditions and building on this years experience. This holiday season wasn't without trials and disappointments. But I am on the other side of it all and feel so much stronger for it. I haven't solved as many questions as I have learned more about myself and how I see life and the people in it.
I have learned there is efficacy in allowing yourself to be where you are, even if its sad and depressed. Pain is part of life and it isn't about feeling it. For me it is all about how you process it. How long you give yourself permission to marinate in your sorrow. I believe it is a double edged sword to give yourself time to process the sadness and sorrow no matter the origin. You just have to be very very careful you keep one eye on the calendar. All things in moderation including the dark days. Then it is about determination and what you are willing to settle for. Period.
This year has taught me alot. There have been a multitude of ups and downs sometimes in one day. I have learned I have a tough softness. I have learned despite great sorrow I still believe in great things. I believe deeply that in bad times "this too shall pass" is the truth. I believe in perseverance. I have cried alot. I see light and lots of it at the end of the tunnel and for that I am grateful. I look forward to getting back on track of swimming, biking, and projects galore.
My sincere wish to each of you for 2014 is to reach for what burns deep inside you. Do what ever it takes to make it a reality. Things you never imagined can happen if you do what it takes. You don't have to have it all worked out in your head. Doors open to those who try to turn the knob, sometimes more than once. The door that is locked today can open tomorrow.
Depression, setbacks, and mistakes don't have to define you or your life. Don't give up. I think the most important first step is to be honest with yourself about what you really want out of your life. Only then can you truly be willing to stop at nothing to achieve your dreams. Then its on like Donkey Kong. Happy New Year!
Tootles :)
Heather
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