Greetings and Salutations,
(originally started writing this Tuesday)
Good Morning.. I write to you at 0609 (got up at 0540) eating yogurt and granola, waiting on the sunrise so I can play tennis on a backboard.. Its funny to find myself in this position of waiting on the sun to come up.. This hasn't happened in like possibly forever LOL.. So I thought I would judiciously use my time and write on my blog since I am tardy this week anyway.. I am still a student of learning time management.. Lately it has become a challenge to sit still and write..
So I have been wondering for awhile now and the last thought on my mind before I went to sleep last night is this about relationships.. Is it less abnormal than society makes you feel to have more than one partner in a lifetime? Is life meant for a vase majority of us to be lived in two distinct halves? Is that the norm and a lifetime with one person the aberrancy instead of the other way around?
The first half of life being where you are young, silly, and ignorant to the lessons life has in store to teach you.. If you don't pay close attention and learn to adapt (together) over the years you get burned and unfortunately for most, it will ultimately cost you your marriage.. Some people are smart and choose wisely early on in life and are lucky to have found someone in their twenties (or earlier) and make it an entire lifetime together.. Most of us unfortunately do not find ourselves in that position.. I see so many of my friends or people I meet randomly that divorce after twenty or thirty years of marriage..
The second half begins somewhere just on the other side of your "prime".. When thoughts settle in that you are beginning to feeling your youth slip away and bones ache that didn't yesterday.. Your face starts to age right before your eyes and you watch those around you getting older along with you.. Suddenly it dawns on you that you are at a crossroads to decide if will you consciously "let yourself go" or work hard to enrich your life like never before..
That what came easily and effortlessly to you in your twenties and thirties--health, burning your candle at both ends, your body, your thoughts, now takes effort and serious work.. It is difficult for me to explain how much different I feel towards and about life at forty-three.. How different I feel towards myself actually.. But I can tell you it's profoundly different than when I was thirty-three..
Some how in our society, as a divorced (or never been married) person in your forty's YOU are your own baggage.. Somehow you feel like you failed yourself because you don't have the same life you started in your twenties.. Maybe for humans as complicated as we are, having more than one mate in a lifetime really is more often that not, enviable and should be embraced without shame or regret.. Maybe the one you "grew up with" is the one that if you are luck and learned anything, helped prepare you be the person you are today.. Prepared you for the one you will spend the second half of your life with.. I never hear someone say they are more stupid today then they where twenty years ago-- do you?
So as I see it two halves really do make a whole life.. Instead of looking back on the first half of your life with regret and wishing you could be who you are now back then, look to the future and know that the life you have lived up until now was meant to make you who you are today.. Embrace every bobble, every mistake, every lesson.. Know that the second half of life really is where it all comes together.. That your life culminates in the second half..
Damn, how many times have I heard that life begins at forty and only in this moment do I really now start to understand what everyone has been talking about.. Should you be with the one you started out in life with, cheers.. Should you be searching for someone to spend the second half of your life with keep looking and don't give up.. The person you seek is out there.. Believe, that it isn't necessarily about "finding" your soulmate, its more about traveling on your own personal journey in life that causes your paths to cross..
Tootles :)
Heather
Friday, August 30, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
Where Are They Now?
Greetings and Salutations
Well, here is the followup to my 25th High School Reunion.. First off I have to say that I am very glad that I went and that I will never consume the amount of alcohol that I did that night ever again :) It was fun, a rite of passage, and most of all it was nice to meet people that I wasn't really friends with in high school, but was able to make a connection with that night.. I was overall surprised that pretty much anyone remembered me at all to tell you the truth and I am amazed that anyone would remember that I transferred in mid year of the ninth grade.. It was like a validation that I wasn't expecting..
There were several people who remembered me and I was actually taken aback.. There was one guy who always made me feel like an alien and a weirdo.. I hadn't thought about him until the moment I saw him.. When we walked past each other I instantly felt like I did when I was 17.. It was that same look on his face.. To some degree I guess it made me feel, not better, but somehow vindicated to tell him how I felt.. "I feel that you look at me like I'm an alien, then and now".. He just shrugged his shoulders and said "what ever" and walked away.. It made me laugh..
Speaking of vindication, and trust me when I say the two nights were nothing about "righting a wrong" from twenty-five years ago.. But when you go back in time as I was for two nights (first night out was at a bar to see people who would and would not be at the reunion the next day) it makes you think of things you haven't in a long time.. When you do "go there" you remember.. I shared with a particular person how they shaped my high school experience in a negative way.. I said it is laughable today but wasn't then.. He said sorry.. Funny, that wasn't why I said that, for a sorry, yet it felt good to hear it.. If I remember correctly (I could have been moderately hammered at this point LOL) he said he was glad to have the opportunity to apologize and that struck me as a profound way for him to feel..
This one guy that had a crush on me, now this is one I can't figure out.. I went up to say hello and do the blah blah blah thing.. I figured of all the people I wasn't sure would remember me, he would.. He looked at me with a blank stare and when I said my name (which I know he heard), at the same time there was a commotion around where I was standing and he was sitting.. He looked dead at me, stood up, and walked away.. Said nothing.. Avoided me for the rest of the night.. Walked around the room the long way to avoid coming my way.. Never made eye contact again.. I have no idea what to make of that but it was an experience all the same..
One perspective I was unaware of (during high school) was shared with me by a female class mate.. "I am never intimidated my anyone and you intimidated the hell out of me back then.. So intense. It was like you were on a mission".. I had no idea she even knew I existed back then.. I was happy she shared that with me and made me laugh at myself.. Of course it also points out how little I have changed in the intense "on a mission" part LOL..
I came away from the reunion with closure to the past in which I rarely think about and it reminded me how glad I am that none of those interactions were a defining moment for me.. I like to leave the distant past where it is and live in the present reminding myself that most of what I remember is skewed and not accurate.. I live in the here and now and that weekend is a reminder that in the present is where I want to keep it.. It was a great weekend and it was exactly what I hoped for, not over the top and not beyond disappointing.. I have left out some events to protect the drunk (mainly me) but I think you get the overall picture and I will leave the rest to your imagination :)
Tootles :)
Heather
Well, here is the followup to my 25th High School Reunion.. First off I have to say that I am very glad that I went and that I will never consume the amount of alcohol that I did that night ever again :) It was fun, a rite of passage, and most of all it was nice to meet people that I wasn't really friends with in high school, but was able to make a connection with that night.. I was overall surprised that pretty much anyone remembered me at all to tell you the truth and I am amazed that anyone would remember that I transferred in mid year of the ninth grade.. It was like a validation that I wasn't expecting..
There were several people who remembered me and I was actually taken aback.. There was one guy who always made me feel like an alien and a weirdo.. I hadn't thought about him until the moment I saw him.. When we walked past each other I instantly felt like I did when I was 17.. It was that same look on his face.. To some degree I guess it made me feel, not better, but somehow vindicated to tell him how I felt.. "I feel that you look at me like I'm an alien, then and now".. He just shrugged his shoulders and said "what ever" and walked away.. It made me laugh..
Speaking of vindication, and trust me when I say the two nights were nothing about "righting a wrong" from twenty-five years ago.. But when you go back in time as I was for two nights (first night out was at a bar to see people who would and would not be at the reunion the next day) it makes you think of things you haven't in a long time.. When you do "go there" you remember.. I shared with a particular person how they shaped my high school experience in a negative way.. I said it is laughable today but wasn't then.. He said sorry.. Funny, that wasn't why I said that, for a sorry, yet it felt good to hear it.. If I remember correctly (I could have been moderately hammered at this point LOL) he said he was glad to have the opportunity to apologize and that struck me as a profound way for him to feel..
This one guy that had a crush on me, now this is one I can't figure out.. I went up to say hello and do the blah blah blah thing.. I figured of all the people I wasn't sure would remember me, he would.. He looked at me with a blank stare and when I said my name (which I know he heard), at the same time there was a commotion around where I was standing and he was sitting.. He looked dead at me, stood up, and walked away.. Said nothing.. Avoided me for the rest of the night.. Walked around the room the long way to avoid coming my way.. Never made eye contact again.. I have no idea what to make of that but it was an experience all the same..
One perspective I was unaware of (during high school) was shared with me by a female class mate.. "I am never intimidated my anyone and you intimidated the hell out of me back then.. So intense. It was like you were on a mission".. I had no idea she even knew I existed back then.. I was happy she shared that with me and made me laugh at myself.. Of course it also points out how little I have changed in the intense "on a mission" part LOL..
I came away from the reunion with closure to the past in which I rarely think about and it reminded me how glad I am that none of those interactions were a defining moment for me.. I like to leave the distant past where it is and live in the present reminding myself that most of what I remember is skewed and not accurate.. I live in the here and now and that weekend is a reminder that in the present is where I want to keep it.. It was a great weekend and it was exactly what I hoped for, not over the top and not beyond disappointing.. I have left out some events to protect the drunk (mainly me) but I think you get the overall picture and I will leave the rest to your imagination :)
Tootles :)
Heather
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Wonders Never Cease
Greetings and Salutations
My Friday was a disappointment.. Overall I would rate it as moderate suckage.. I hate when I can't communicate properly with people.. Its really even a step beyond that.. I hate when I can't get someone to see where I am coming from, my perspective.. You know when people just chalk up your thoughts/feelings to that of a cray-cray? Anyway so I will move onto more positive thoughts.. The weather has made it very difficult with all the rain.. When I was out of town for the weekend I exercised in the hotel gym on the stationary bike.. I really was shocked by how much I liked it.. I dislike tread mills. They make me feel like a rat.. But on the bike it felt different.. Can't really explain it.. Maybe I just like that activity better and it is simple as that.. So that got me to thinking.. Twice this week alone I would have cycled or played tennis if the weather was better.. I am tired of the stop and start crap with being active..
At work they offer a gym membership for really cheap and it's month to month.. I think that I am going to get a membership so I can still bike even when it rains.. It is cheap enough that I won't freak for all the time I won't end up spending in the gym (when the weather is good).. It will be worth it when it is pouring or it's 110 degrees outside and I can still cycle.. My goal is to be active pretty much everyday.. Something.. Bike, tennis, swim.. I want to move as much as possible..
I dislike the word exercise.. It sounds, atleast when you are overweight like I am, like a temporary measure.. Condescending somehow like "oh, your excising.. You poor thing. Don't worry it won't last long I'm sure.. You'll give up and go back to sitting on your ass soon".. Maybe that is just the voice in my brain.. Skinny people have an "outdoor lifestyle" or are "physical" when they bike, hike, run, walk, play tennis, etc.. Fat people exercise.. Kinda like moms "take care of" the kids when they have them and yet dads "babysit" the kids when they have them.. I have never understood that.. Then again I am not married nor do I have kids.. Looks like I will take that conundrum to the grave with me..
So I am like a bulldog about staying active and figuring out what types of activities I like enough to make a routine.. A lifestyle that will stick with me.. I wanted to run.. I have decided at this moment or more correctly at this weight it makes my knees hurt too much.. They weren't at first.. Maybe it is running and cycling.. But I want to cycle more than run so until I get more into shape I will stick with my beautiful bike..
I still need cardio.. I have looked into how much it is to join Charleston City Aquatics-- $160 a year.. That is $6.15 per paycheck to add to my budget category of yearly expenses I save for.. Sweet.. I can handle that.. This Sunday I am going to go over and check it out.. I love to swim.. That is a great work out and wonderful for my heart and lungs.. I will have to get a suit (yuck) that I can aggressively swim in where the girls won't pop out.. Wow, wouldn't that be embarrassing for that to happen in the middle of getting your laps on LOL..
Friday I was sad.. Wanna know something bizarre? The thought crossed my mind how much I wished the weather was better so I could get my sweat on and that maybe that was part of my problem (lack of exertion).. That I haven't been physical since last Saturday.. I haven't had my dose of a natural endorphin release to make me feel better or give me the chance to "work out" my angst or just to keep my momentum going.. Now let me tell you I never thought I would see the day I would realize I miss getting my sweat on doing one of my favorite physical activities.. One day that line of thinking won't shock me.. Thank the Lord it still does now.. I have gratitude for that..
I have an official plan to hedge the weather next summer and join the gym at work.. Next year summer weather won't get in my way of consistent physical activity.. Should winter get in my way I know what to do immediately-- join the gym STAT.. For now, I will be patient and keep trying harder to get up early enough to exercise in the am and know better weather is just around the corner..
Tootles :)
Heather
My Friday was a disappointment.. Overall I would rate it as moderate suckage.. I hate when I can't communicate properly with people.. Its really even a step beyond that.. I hate when I can't get someone to see where I am coming from, my perspective.. You know when people just chalk up your thoughts/feelings to that of a cray-cray? Anyway so I will move onto more positive thoughts.. The weather has made it very difficult with all the rain.. When I was out of town for the weekend I exercised in the hotel gym on the stationary bike.. I really was shocked by how much I liked it.. I dislike tread mills. They make me feel like a rat.. But on the bike it felt different.. Can't really explain it.. Maybe I just like that activity better and it is simple as that.. So that got me to thinking.. Twice this week alone I would have cycled or played tennis if the weather was better.. I am tired of the stop and start crap with being active..
At work they offer a gym membership for really cheap and it's month to month.. I think that I am going to get a membership so I can still bike even when it rains.. It is cheap enough that I won't freak for all the time I won't end up spending in the gym (when the weather is good).. It will be worth it when it is pouring or it's 110 degrees outside and I can still cycle.. My goal is to be active pretty much everyday.. Something.. Bike, tennis, swim.. I want to move as much as possible..
I dislike the word exercise.. It sounds, atleast when you are overweight like I am, like a temporary measure.. Condescending somehow like "oh, your excising.. You poor thing. Don't worry it won't last long I'm sure.. You'll give up and go back to sitting on your ass soon".. Maybe that is just the voice in my brain.. Skinny people have an "outdoor lifestyle" or are "physical" when they bike, hike, run, walk, play tennis, etc.. Fat people exercise.. Kinda like moms "take care of" the kids when they have them and yet dads "babysit" the kids when they have them.. I have never understood that.. Then again I am not married nor do I have kids.. Looks like I will take that conundrum to the grave with me..
So I am like a bulldog about staying active and figuring out what types of activities I like enough to make a routine.. A lifestyle that will stick with me.. I wanted to run.. I have decided at this moment or more correctly at this weight it makes my knees hurt too much.. They weren't at first.. Maybe it is running and cycling.. But I want to cycle more than run so until I get more into shape I will stick with my beautiful bike..
I still need cardio.. I have looked into how much it is to join Charleston City Aquatics-- $160 a year.. That is $6.15 per paycheck to add to my budget category of yearly expenses I save for.. Sweet.. I can handle that.. This Sunday I am going to go over and check it out.. I love to swim.. That is a great work out and wonderful for my heart and lungs.. I will have to get a suit (yuck) that I can aggressively swim in where the girls won't pop out.. Wow, wouldn't that be embarrassing for that to happen in the middle of getting your laps on LOL..
Friday I was sad.. Wanna know something bizarre? The thought crossed my mind how much I wished the weather was better so I could get my sweat on and that maybe that was part of my problem (lack of exertion).. That I haven't been physical since last Saturday.. I haven't had my dose of a natural endorphin release to make me feel better or give me the chance to "work out" my angst or just to keep my momentum going.. Now let me tell you I never thought I would see the day I would realize I miss getting my sweat on doing one of my favorite physical activities.. One day that line of thinking won't shock me.. Thank the Lord it still does now.. I have gratitude for that..
I have an official plan to hedge the weather next summer and join the gym at work.. Next year summer weather won't get in my way of consistent physical activity.. Should winter get in my way I know what to do immediately-- join the gym STAT.. For now, I will be patient and keep trying harder to get up early enough to exercise in the am and know better weather is just around the corner..
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, August 5, 2013
Its Been Twenty-Five Years Already?
Greetings and Salutations
Hope everyone is doing great and life is plugging along.. This weekend I am attending my 25th high school reunion and I have to admit I am some what nervous about it.. While things in my life have never been better and are far from reaching a plateau, I wish this was next year.. Then more of my hard work would have time to make it to the outside of me.. Guess I really shouldn't feel like that and while I don't really think of myself as vain, I guess I do have alittle more pride and vanity than I would really care to see in myself.. But I guess the truth of the matter is life is life and where I am in my life is where I am today and I will stand proud for who I have become and what I look like.. Beyond those thoughts I also worry what if hardly any one remembers me? What if I hardly remember anyone? After all, high school wasn't exactly a pinnacle point in the timeline of my life (thank the Lord).. I hope I can remember some of the stories that I hear someone talk about and I hope I remember a few of my own..
Guess alittle trepidation is normal.. Its always scary for me to see someone who knew me when I was younger and had the smoking hot body I did back then.. I had no idea what I had.. I sure do today and it is a source of shame.. Funny, even seeing the word shame seems foreign to me.. I have been lucky in life that there are few things I have/had true shame for.. I have regrets or wish I could have a few "do overs".. I have mistakes.. I have some sadness.. I have joy and happiness.. I have victories and successes.. Shame is something I have had very little experience in really feeling.. I would rate my past overall as just that, my past.. When I think of it today overall I rate it as positive and everything that has happened in my life as brought me to the very spot I sit in tonight and for that I am eternally grateful.. I can't just take the good.. Its a package deal and I am so OK with that.. I would trade NOTHING.. I do, however, (still) feel shame when I see someone I haven't seen in 15- 20 years or more.. I always wonder if they think time has been good or terrible to me.. I never know what they really think.. I think this is going to be the life lesson of the weekend and I welcome the entire experience with an open mind and heart..
Don't misunderstand me when I describe my feelings.. I am so very proud of the person I am today and who I will be tomorrow.. I have worked hard to reshape my lifestyle and I am not daunted by what I have yet to reap.. That day will come and it isn't now.. I have more work to do.. I have to stay with all that I am doing to achieve the goals I have in my head.. Most days I have total peace with that and the process of arriving.. Its just the vulnerable part of me.. The part that wants acceptance and not rejection.. While I am nervous, I am excited too.. It will be great to see some friends I haven't seen in awhile as well as since high school and to just have fun..
I would imagine some of these same thoughts will cross someone else's mind Saturday night too if not already.. Wonder if I will connect with an old friend I haven't thought about in years.. Wonder if I will learn a different perspective about a story I hear and think "wow, I never knew you felt that way".. I wonder if nothing will happen and it will just be a few overall awkward hours with people I didn't know then and still don't know now.. Of course happily shared with the same buddies I hung out with back in the day and have fun talking about old times and new.. My vote would be alittle of all of the above and let the night evolve as it will and bask in the experience good or otherwise.. I would gladly welcome any experiences you have had at your high school reunions in the past.. Share here, on Facebook, or my email: helpfulbee@gmail.com
Tootles :)
Heather
Hope everyone is doing great and life is plugging along.. This weekend I am attending my 25th high school reunion and I have to admit I am some what nervous about it.. While things in my life have never been better and are far from reaching a plateau, I wish this was next year.. Then more of my hard work would have time to make it to the outside of me.. Guess I really shouldn't feel like that and while I don't really think of myself as vain, I guess I do have alittle more pride and vanity than I would really care to see in myself.. But I guess the truth of the matter is life is life and where I am in my life is where I am today and I will stand proud for who I have become and what I look like.. Beyond those thoughts I also worry what if hardly any one remembers me? What if I hardly remember anyone? After all, high school wasn't exactly a pinnacle point in the timeline of my life (thank the Lord).. I hope I can remember some of the stories that I hear someone talk about and I hope I remember a few of my own..
Guess alittle trepidation is normal.. Its always scary for me to see someone who knew me when I was younger and had the smoking hot body I did back then.. I had no idea what I had.. I sure do today and it is a source of shame.. Funny, even seeing the word shame seems foreign to me.. I have been lucky in life that there are few things I have/had true shame for.. I have regrets or wish I could have a few "do overs".. I have mistakes.. I have some sadness.. I have joy and happiness.. I have victories and successes.. Shame is something I have had very little experience in really feeling.. I would rate my past overall as just that, my past.. When I think of it today overall I rate it as positive and everything that has happened in my life as brought me to the very spot I sit in tonight and for that I am eternally grateful.. I can't just take the good.. Its a package deal and I am so OK with that.. I would trade NOTHING.. I do, however, (still) feel shame when I see someone I haven't seen in 15- 20 years or more.. I always wonder if they think time has been good or terrible to me.. I never know what they really think.. I think this is going to be the life lesson of the weekend and I welcome the entire experience with an open mind and heart..
Don't misunderstand me when I describe my feelings.. I am so very proud of the person I am today and who I will be tomorrow.. I have worked hard to reshape my lifestyle and I am not daunted by what I have yet to reap.. That day will come and it isn't now.. I have more work to do.. I have to stay with all that I am doing to achieve the goals I have in my head.. Most days I have total peace with that and the process of arriving.. Its just the vulnerable part of me.. The part that wants acceptance and not rejection.. While I am nervous, I am excited too.. It will be great to see some friends I haven't seen in awhile as well as since high school and to just have fun..
I would imagine some of these same thoughts will cross someone else's mind Saturday night too if not already.. Wonder if I will connect with an old friend I haven't thought about in years.. Wonder if I will learn a different perspective about a story I hear and think "wow, I never knew you felt that way".. I wonder if nothing will happen and it will just be a few overall awkward hours with people I didn't know then and still don't know now.. Of course happily shared with the same buddies I hung out with back in the day and have fun talking about old times and new.. My vote would be alittle of all of the above and let the night evolve as it will and bask in the experience good or otherwise.. I would gladly welcome any experiences you have had at your high school reunions in the past.. Share here, on Facebook, or my email: helpfulbee@gmail.com
Tootles :)
Heather
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