Greetings and Salutations,
Well, the blog I had ready to publish after a final prof read got crap-canned after my great day yesterday. Dang it. I worked hard on what I had written. Go figure :) The feelings and thoughts were honest, but too anxious. After my rocking day, my outlook has greatly improved.
Basically I've had time to wrap my head around some of the things that scared me at first. I have lots of thoughts and ideas of where I feel I'm headed. Some changes at work are in the tube and its pushing me further down my path. Thoughts of travel nursing, going back to the bedside, moving to San Francisco, and going back to school are all flying around in my head. I will work on rewriting it and hope to get it out on time next week. After some plain old endorphin releasing exercise I have a much better outlook and perspective on my choices and plan of action. I hope you are all going great and have a fantastic weekend!
So I forgot to post this BEFORE I left for my weekend. Was having a great time in Charlotte until Saturday night when I got food poisoning for 12 hours. It was gruesome and I really was in terrible pain. Like the hardheaded nurse I am I didn't go to the ER where they could have helped me and kept me from getting as dehydrated as I did. Had to wait until today to be well enough to drive home and I went straight to work after stopping at house to change. I'll get blog out (now that everything else is empty LOL) ASAP. Hope all is well!
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, September 30, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Thoughts Of Grief
Greetings and Salutations
Its been two weeks and I am still waiting for that gust of wind to come back into my sails.. I feel dead in the water and really dislike feeling as depressed as I have been.. It is a combination of a few things all happening at once.. Some work issues flared up (already done and over with) but have left me with a lingering sour taste in my heart.. That is the least source of my depression.. Mostly I am having a tough time dealing with the death of mom again.. The 20th will be five months since she died.. I feel lost (again).. I need and want to find where I belong in this world and what the purpose of my life is..
Mourning is an interesting thing when you have zero experience with it.. Mostly for me I would describe it as a leak, much like air coming from a balloon you held between your fingers when you were a kid.. Trying to see how slowly you could let the air out without deflating the balloon all at once.. It is odd to observe various thoughts and feelings as they work their way to the surface without your permission.. To loose control of your emotions for an extended period of time.. I cry these days if the wind blows too hard LOL.. I can't express my thoughts or feelings without crying, verbally or written.. This is seriously beginning to get on my last nerve.. Where do you go when you get on your own nerves?
It isn't that I don't want to "deal with it".. I just know that the only thing I have in my favor to make it better is time, and lots of it.. My mom is gone and nothing but time is going to make me feel how ever better I eventually will feel.. I am discovering all the hidden sources of my mom's presence in my life that was impossible to see when she was alive.. I am still learning how much my mother was apart of who I am.. For example: I never knew how much mom was tied to my enjoyment of yard work.. It no longer feels the same when I stand alone in my yard, the only one with a rake in my hands.. We shared an extraordinary amount of time talking about life in my yard.. I never realized just how much of a beacon my mom was in my life.. I am naturally questioning who am I without her.
Where do I fit in? Where do I belong? In Charleston? In California? What would I do if I threw caution to the wind and did exactly what I wanted to this very moment? I would quit my job.. I'd make my rounds to ALL my friends in the United States and then I would board a plane to Europe.. I'd come back when I was done, how ever long that would be.. Then I would lick my finger and point it to the sky.. Let the wind and my feelings determine what to do next.. Sitting here, behind a computer I have no idea what would be.. Settle back in Charleston? Move to San Francisco? Go back to school and get my BSN or master's? Change jobs entirely?
It crosses my mind that most of my thoughts are an attempt at escape from the pain that I am feeling.. Where ever you go there you are isn't a phrase that is lost on me.. It is part of what keeps me from walking out the front door and never looking back.. I also have a responsibility to my dog that I love dearly and to to a life I have been working hard to create for myself.. I have always been blessed with a level head and I pray to God I don't lose that gift that has served me so well in my life.. Don't get me wrong, I have made stupid-ass decisions.. I speak about the Forrest, not the trees.. I am at a cross roads in my life and I will do my best to think it through wisely before I chose my path.. For today, I will give myself permission to be sad.. To be depressed and feel it.. To work my way through the process.. I will try and give myself permission to cry as much and as often as I need..
Time will heal me.. I will know what to do when the time is right and that time isn't now.. I will wait out the knee-jerk response.. Its kinda like jonesing for a cigarette.. If you don't wait out the intense urge to light up, you will never quit.. The urge will pass if you wait it out.. This isn't really any different.. I can and will do anything I set my mind to do.. I pray God gives me the strength to make this a positive turning point in my life and not waste my opportunity of awareness.. I want to live a life that was worth it and discover my place in this world.. The hope I have for myself is the tenacity I need to find light in the darkness that currently engulfs me..
Tootles :)
Heather
Its been two weeks and I am still waiting for that gust of wind to come back into my sails.. I feel dead in the water and really dislike feeling as depressed as I have been.. It is a combination of a few things all happening at once.. Some work issues flared up (already done and over with) but have left me with a lingering sour taste in my heart.. That is the least source of my depression.. Mostly I am having a tough time dealing with the death of mom again.. The 20th will be five months since she died.. I feel lost (again).. I need and want to find where I belong in this world and what the purpose of my life is..
Mourning is an interesting thing when you have zero experience with it.. Mostly for me I would describe it as a leak, much like air coming from a balloon you held between your fingers when you were a kid.. Trying to see how slowly you could let the air out without deflating the balloon all at once.. It is odd to observe various thoughts and feelings as they work their way to the surface without your permission.. To loose control of your emotions for an extended period of time.. I cry these days if the wind blows too hard LOL.. I can't express my thoughts or feelings without crying, verbally or written.. This is seriously beginning to get on my last nerve.. Where do you go when you get on your own nerves?
It isn't that I don't want to "deal with it".. I just know that the only thing I have in my favor to make it better is time, and lots of it.. My mom is gone and nothing but time is going to make me feel how ever better I eventually will feel.. I am discovering all the hidden sources of my mom's presence in my life that was impossible to see when she was alive.. I am still learning how much my mother was apart of who I am.. For example: I never knew how much mom was tied to my enjoyment of yard work.. It no longer feels the same when I stand alone in my yard, the only one with a rake in my hands.. We shared an extraordinary amount of time talking about life in my yard.. I never realized just how much of a beacon my mom was in my life.. I am naturally questioning who am I without her.
Where do I fit in? Where do I belong? In Charleston? In California? What would I do if I threw caution to the wind and did exactly what I wanted to this very moment? I would quit my job.. I'd make my rounds to ALL my friends in the United States and then I would board a plane to Europe.. I'd come back when I was done, how ever long that would be.. Then I would lick my finger and point it to the sky.. Let the wind and my feelings determine what to do next.. Sitting here, behind a computer I have no idea what would be.. Settle back in Charleston? Move to San Francisco? Go back to school and get my BSN or master's? Change jobs entirely?
It crosses my mind that most of my thoughts are an attempt at escape from the pain that I am feeling.. Where ever you go there you are isn't a phrase that is lost on me.. It is part of what keeps me from walking out the front door and never looking back.. I also have a responsibility to my dog that I love dearly and to to a life I have been working hard to create for myself.. I have always been blessed with a level head and I pray to God I don't lose that gift that has served me so well in my life.. Don't get me wrong, I have made stupid-ass decisions.. I speak about the Forrest, not the trees.. I am at a cross roads in my life and I will do my best to think it through wisely before I chose my path.. For today, I will give myself permission to be sad.. To be depressed and feel it.. To work my way through the process.. I will try and give myself permission to cry as much and as often as I need..
Time will heal me.. I will know what to do when the time is right and that time isn't now.. I will wait out the knee-jerk response.. Its kinda like jonesing for a cigarette.. If you don't wait out the intense urge to light up, you will never quit.. The urge will pass if you wait it out.. This isn't really any different.. I can and will do anything I set my mind to do.. I pray God gives me the strength to make this a positive turning point in my life and not waste my opportunity of awareness.. I want to live a life that was worth it and discover my place in this world.. The hope I have for myself is the tenacity I need to find light in the darkness that currently engulfs me..
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, September 9, 2013
Inspiration Via TV
Greetings and Salutations
I wrote this while cycling in the hotel for my reunion weekend.. The cycle had a TV and since I stopped subscribing to cable, I figured if I was going to watch TV, might as well make it smut :) I was watching a popular family reality show.. That is what inspired this blog..
So here I am biking 10 miles, getting my sweat on, listening to my IPOD, and watching the show.. Its like watching a train wreck-- you can't look and you can't NOT look.. I had the volume off and was truly amazed at what I observed watching only body language and facial expressions.. I haven't had many opportunities to watch TV for an extended period of time without sound.. What I observed made me think about the commonalities as human beings we have that link us all together..
These girls have money, fame, and beauty yet they appear so profoundly empty. In almost every shot, their faces are angry and filled with contempt.. They are checking off all the boxes in life, yet so sullen.. The drama is for the cameras and scripted of course but I think there is more truth that lies just below the surface than one might think.. Maybe its 100% acting, but I'm not so sure..
What I see are women that have it all and yet make the same poor choices in choosing a mate that most of us have some where along the line.. When you can have anyone on the planet you want, how could you possibly chose the men they have and stick with that decision? My expectations of people who consume life at that level is much higher than what I observed.. Maybe my expectations are as unrealistic as "reality TV".. Maybe that is why I don't care for these types of shows.. That when you can afford anything in life you use that to your advantage and not squander it by acting like an idiot.. Atleast it did get me thinking and I always love that..
In the end, I decided to contemplate what connects "them" to common people like myself.. One of the things that can either take us to the next level in life or cripples us as human beings is our understanding of our own humanity.. Most all of us want three basic things in life: Love, acceptance, and a sense of belonging.. No amount of wealth, beauty, or privilege can side step that.. Our desire for these three feelings are one of the many things that connects us no matter where you are in the hierarchy of life..
Maybe then our choices in friends, lovers, and mates is an outward expression of how worthy we feel about any of these elements from the inside.. It is amazing what we are willing to endure and the behavior that we are willing to justify from another person in order to feel loved, accepted, and a sense of belonging.. I find one of life's many lessons is to learn to be aware of these needs and what you are willing to do to achieve them.. Who you allow to participate in your life should be a healthy and conscious decision.. Begin with yourself: love yourself, accept yourself, and have a sense of self belonging.. Learn how to fulfill your own tank of these basics so those around you need only to top it off, not provide the entire supply..
Tootles :)
Heather
I wrote this while cycling in the hotel for my reunion weekend.. The cycle had a TV and since I stopped subscribing to cable, I figured if I was going to watch TV, might as well make it smut :) I was watching a popular family reality show.. That is what inspired this blog..
So here I am biking 10 miles, getting my sweat on, listening to my IPOD, and watching the show.. Its like watching a train wreck-- you can't look and you can't NOT look.. I had the volume off and was truly amazed at what I observed watching only body language and facial expressions.. I haven't had many opportunities to watch TV for an extended period of time without sound.. What I observed made me think about the commonalities as human beings we have that link us all together..
These girls have money, fame, and beauty yet they appear so profoundly empty. In almost every shot, their faces are angry and filled with contempt.. They are checking off all the boxes in life, yet so sullen.. The drama is for the cameras and scripted of course but I think there is more truth that lies just below the surface than one might think.. Maybe its 100% acting, but I'm not so sure..
What I see are women that have it all and yet make the same poor choices in choosing a mate that most of us have some where along the line.. When you can have anyone on the planet you want, how could you possibly chose the men they have and stick with that decision? My expectations of people who consume life at that level is much higher than what I observed.. Maybe my expectations are as unrealistic as "reality TV".. Maybe that is why I don't care for these types of shows.. That when you can afford anything in life you use that to your advantage and not squander it by acting like an idiot.. Atleast it did get me thinking and I always love that..
In the end, I decided to contemplate what connects "them" to common people like myself.. One of the things that can either take us to the next level in life or cripples us as human beings is our understanding of our own humanity.. Most all of us want three basic things in life: Love, acceptance, and a sense of belonging.. No amount of wealth, beauty, or privilege can side step that.. Our desire for these three feelings are one of the many things that connects us no matter where you are in the hierarchy of life..
Maybe then our choices in friends, lovers, and mates is an outward expression of how worthy we feel about any of these elements from the inside.. It is amazing what we are willing to endure and the behavior that we are willing to justify from another person in order to feel loved, accepted, and a sense of belonging.. I find one of life's many lessons is to learn to be aware of these needs and what you are willing to do to achieve them.. Who you allow to participate in your life should be a healthy and conscious decision.. Begin with yourself: love yourself, accept yourself, and have a sense of self belonging.. Learn how to fulfill your own tank of these basics so those around you need only to top it off, not provide the entire supply..
Tootles :)
Heather
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