Greetings and Salutations,
I have a few drafts saved of posts I either started or never finished. I re-read this one and thought it worthy to post since it was thoughts on my mind at that moment and that is what this blog is about. I wrote this 3/19/2014. The eve of the 1st anniversary of my Mom's death and close to my departure for out west. I was feeling a bit feisty it would appear! Some of these feels are still with me.
So this is a new one for me blogging after being pleasantly served. Celebrating my life and friends in Charleston. Wonder how to the point this will end up LOL. Let me get some music on and a glass of wine for writing and night night time :)
I think I finally tipped my anxiety point. I feel relaxed and ready to receive what comes my way from this point on. I continue to be open to what God and the Universe will send my way. Travel is the most fundamental thought I have on my mind. I want to travel the world and I firmly believe it is part of my calling. I want to see as much of this world as possible in my life time.
I am approaching the 1 year mark of the death of my mother I feel better than I did, but I do realize that I will truly never feel the same. I cry easier. I feel feelings deeper. I hear time ticking in a different way than before. I feel a drive to make it all count. I am glad that I kept the promise to myself to wait a year before doing making any major decisions. I am at the foot steps of that promise and I feel secure in my decision to pursue my dream and adventure.
I wish my mom was still with me. I don't feel the "she is looking down on you" Bullshit yet. I pray one day I will feel this. I feel it for others, just not for me. I really wonder why. Why has this feeling escaped me? Others are so sure. I have faith to believe, but I just don't feel it yet. Maybe the drive I feel and sharp focus is my mom working through me. Mom was always a shaker and mover. Why would I expect my mom to reveal herself to me as an angel sitting on her ass? This is the first time I have thought of this. Actually sounds dead on.
So back to travel. I want to travel and soon. It is about 70% of why I am going to California. Not to travel nurse but to travel the world in pleasure. To get so many stamps in my passport I need more pages. I want to work my ass off and get a travel fund and get outta here. I want to go to pretty much everywhere. I wanna go to Thailand and Vietnam. Croatia and Italy. Hong Kong and all points in between. Australia, Prague, Budapest, Back to France, Greece, London. New Zealand. Gee I am thinking pretty thinking I need to get my ba-donky-donk going so I can re-coop expenses from this initial adventure and get my travel fund rocking. Ah so much to see and do! I can't wait!!
Monday, July 7, 2014
Monday, June 30, 2014
Working On Getting Settled In My City Life
West Coast Greetings and Salutations,
---I wrote this 1-2 weeks ago and saved it as a draft. Things have already settled down even more, and some of these feelings have subsided but I wanted to publish this anyway. It marks how I was feeling in that moment. I haven't edited it so I hope my thoughts at the time make sense to you. It all came out at once. Raw and real.-- Heather
Hi. How are ya? Wonderful is my sincere hope. Wow. The plethora of things I have had to write about. So much is and has happened since I last jotted down my thoughts into cyberspace. I have found and lost my inner voice to write a million times since I landed here in my new abode. Moving = Happiness. Sadness. Excitement. Overwhelming anxiety. Inner peace. Depression. Learning. Roller coaster I say. Roller coaster.
First, I found an apartment. Let me tell you the housing Gods where with me. I got it first day, second apartment I looked at (with only one other dude who was looking with me). I moved in May 1st. It has killer space for a studio (four distinct rooms) and tons of California character. The City (San Francisco) won in the end over Emeryville. I chose to be in the center of it all.
More specifically I live in the Tenderloin. Or spoke another way the "Tender-nob". Where Nob Hill ($$) meets the land of the homeless, drug addicts and its share of hookers. Or spoke yet another way (on one of those street poll banners placed by the city at the street corners) "Upper Tenderloin. 409 Historical buildings and 33 proud blocks" (the entire Tenderloin is comprised of 50 blocks).
And the more I get out and walk the streets, I really am on the outskirts of the "Loin" or the "Ten" as we residents affectionately refer to our hood. It is quickly growing on me and for that I am grateful because geographically I am in the middle of it all. There is lots to love around here. Oh the difference a block or two can make.
Work continues to go well and I am still learning both jobs. There is alittle stress in that department (OK alot) but I will report further about that at another time. Suffice to say I am doing great at both clinics and by all accounts, well liked and appreciated for my work ethics and ability I am regaining (rusty ya know).
There are alot of feelings I have been going through some awesome and some very very stressful. There is a (disappointing) realization that I have come to notice about my view point about life. We are constantly moving towards or away from something. I am forming serious doubts that we as human beings can actually achieve satiation in our personal lives. Where we don't need another thing accomplished, even if for just a moment.
I don't particularly like this realization. I mean damn. Can't you achieve your goal (s) and be done vs realize when you thought you were done, you really have a string of other shit you discovered you still need to do before you get the damn proverbial carrot?
I am not speaking of this in a materialistic way. I mean it on a very deep, personal life achievement level. I guess I have somehow gotten the notion that in life, you set a goal (s), achieve it/them, and then should need little else for a period of time until life changes direction again. You can "take it easy" for awhile. I am discovering my theory about this is crap. Hell's Bells. Now what? Now I have to keep setting goals, achieving them, thinking I'm "done for the moment" only to find out achievement (or lack there of actually) means virtually nothing? Take one thing off your list and find it is always replaced with more?
This move has taught me WAY more than I could even imagine. 46 days in (70 if you count when I landed on California soil) I am happy. I am frustrated. I am (still) scared. I am not settled. I am more impatient then I honestly knew about myself. I am grateful. I am anxious. I am still grieving. I feel profoundly alone in this world. Nothing feels the same without mom. This still feels like a travel assignment. I am still determined. I am learning so much about who I am. I still want to share my life with someone and them reciprocate.
I am still in the end happy to be learning all that I am about life through this experience. Even if it is painful. Even in my tears I have faith. I will continue on my pathway of life. I will not give up. Determined to meet my destiny no matter how discouraged I may at times feel. Determined to make my life my own.
This is so strange (gross understatement). I don't feel home sick even with all the stress and breath holding I am doing. I feel like Charleston is no longer my home. Its where I'm from but that is different. But San Francisco doesn't yet feel like home either. I feel like a woman without a country. Even so, my gut tells me I didn't make a mistake moving here and in due time it may well feel like home.
But in order for this to feel like home it needs to look like home. A full time, benefited job where I don't sweat getting in my hours every day. When I walk through my apartment door it looks like my home with my stuff. Then I can actually begin to evaluate if this is gonna stick. Until then I will continue to challenge myself to not give up and continue to pursue my dreams. Its why I'm here in the first place
Tootles :)
Heather
---I wrote this 1-2 weeks ago and saved it as a draft. Things have already settled down even more, and some of these feelings have subsided but I wanted to publish this anyway. It marks how I was feeling in that moment. I haven't edited it so I hope my thoughts at the time make sense to you. It all came out at once. Raw and real.-- Heather
Hi. How are ya? Wonderful is my sincere hope. Wow. The plethora of things I have had to write about. So much is and has happened since I last jotted down my thoughts into cyberspace. I have found and lost my inner voice to write a million times since I landed here in my new abode. Moving = Happiness. Sadness. Excitement. Overwhelming anxiety. Inner peace. Depression. Learning. Roller coaster I say. Roller coaster.
First, I found an apartment. Let me tell you the housing Gods where with me. I got it first day, second apartment I looked at (with only one other dude who was looking with me). I moved in May 1st. It has killer space for a studio (four distinct rooms) and tons of California character. The City (San Francisco) won in the end over Emeryville. I chose to be in the center of it all.
More specifically I live in the Tenderloin. Or spoke another way the "Tender-nob". Where Nob Hill ($$) meets the land of the homeless, drug addicts and its share of hookers. Or spoke yet another way (on one of those street poll banners placed by the city at the street corners) "Upper Tenderloin. 409 Historical buildings and 33 proud blocks" (the entire Tenderloin is comprised of 50 blocks).
And the more I get out and walk the streets, I really am on the outskirts of the "Loin" or the "Ten" as we residents affectionately refer to our hood. It is quickly growing on me and for that I am grateful because geographically I am in the middle of it all. There is lots to love around here. Oh the difference a block or two can make.
Work continues to go well and I am still learning both jobs. There is alittle stress in that department (OK alot) but I will report further about that at another time. Suffice to say I am doing great at both clinics and by all accounts, well liked and appreciated for my work ethics and ability I am regaining (rusty ya know).
There are alot of feelings I have been going through some awesome and some very very stressful. There is a (disappointing) realization that I have come to notice about my view point about life. We are constantly moving towards or away from something. I am forming serious doubts that we as human beings can actually achieve satiation in our personal lives. Where we don't need another thing accomplished, even if for just a moment.
I don't particularly like this realization. I mean damn. Can't you achieve your goal (s) and be done vs realize when you thought you were done, you really have a string of other shit you discovered you still need to do before you get the damn proverbial carrot?
I am not speaking of this in a materialistic way. I mean it on a very deep, personal life achievement level. I guess I have somehow gotten the notion that in life, you set a goal (s), achieve it/them, and then should need little else for a period of time until life changes direction again. You can "take it easy" for awhile. I am discovering my theory about this is crap. Hell's Bells. Now what? Now I have to keep setting goals, achieving them, thinking I'm "done for the moment" only to find out achievement (or lack there of actually) means virtually nothing? Take one thing off your list and find it is always replaced with more?
This move has taught me WAY more than I could even imagine. 46 days in (70 if you count when I landed on California soil) I am happy. I am frustrated. I am (still) scared. I am not settled. I am more impatient then I honestly knew about myself. I am grateful. I am anxious. I am still grieving. I feel profoundly alone in this world. Nothing feels the same without mom. This still feels like a travel assignment. I am still determined. I am learning so much about who I am. I still want to share my life with someone and them reciprocate.
I am still in the end happy to be learning all that I am about life through this experience. Even if it is painful. Even in my tears I have faith. I will continue on my pathway of life. I will not give up. Determined to meet my destiny no matter how discouraged I may at times feel. Determined to make my life my own.
This is so strange (gross understatement). I don't feel home sick even with all the stress and breath holding I am doing. I feel like Charleston is no longer my home. Its where I'm from but that is different. But San Francisco doesn't yet feel like home either. I feel like a woman without a country. Even so, my gut tells me I didn't make a mistake moving here and in due time it may well feel like home.
But in order for this to feel like home it needs to look like home. A full time, benefited job where I don't sweat getting in my hours every day. When I walk through my apartment door it looks like my home with my stuff. Then I can actually begin to evaluate if this is gonna stick. Until then I will continue to challenge myself to not give up and continue to pursue my dreams. Its why I'm here in the first place
Tootles :)
Heather
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Apartment Hunting Is Just Around The Corner!
Greetings and Salutations,
This Sunday marks three weeks here and things are falling into place at a rate I can hardly keep up with or believe. The gratitude I feel is simply impossible to express to you. I have two jobs so far that aren't benefited but have plenty of hours for the next several months. I will have a much needed opportunity to catch my breath, catch up on expenses that are racking up, and allow time for something more permanent to work itself out.
I am in the pre-hire process and hoping it will only take two weeks, but could possibly take three (boo). So many steps, but in the end I will be a real employee in another city other than South Carolina. This is the first time this will happen for me. I've always been a travel nurse if not at home.
It is a subtle difference that gives me a sense of deep accomplishment from within. A new way to see myself that I am where I am because of me. Not because of where I was born, my parents (choices), a husband/ boyfriend, just me and my own decisions. I have stepped outside everything I have known to be my life up until this point and pursued my dream of where I wanted to live. Does that all make sense?
I find it very ironic that my place of employment is the same hospital that I worked at the first time I came to San Francisco as a travel nurse fourteen years ago almost to the month. April then, May now. Strange co-inky-dink.... no?
The way I have been treated thus far from both of the managers I will be working for exceeds my expectations. I felt like a duck in water in the interview and felt like I fit in immediately. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away is all I have to say about that. (wow I just connected Star Wars with Forrest Gump LOL).
Next on the list of things "To Do" is housing. Now let me tell you I am S-C-A-R-E-D to get into the apartment search in the City. Its been described in the local papers as a "blood sport" and I am intimidated to say the least. But roll up my sleeves, take a deep breath, and jump in I will (Yoda is that you?). It will be an interesting and entertaining learning curve. I will try to keep my eye centered on the thought of relaxing and knowing it will work out just like it is supposed to. Just let it happen. Deep breath.
I am still very torn about living in Emeryville, just outside the city. I can get twice the space, parking, and a balcony for the same price as a closet in the City, but it isn't-- the City. I am so very torn between the two. Deep breath. I will close my eyes and in the end listen to my inner voice. I trust myself I'll know what to do when its time to decide.
I know one thing. I have a POD full of SHIT waiting on me to be shipped. I have to let go of alot of crap regardless of where I live. Dear Lord in Heaven the process that is before me makes me swimmy headed and nauseous. Deep breath.
No matter, life truly is a journey and I feel very much on the pathway of my life. This experience is teaching me so much. All of the anxiety is worth the learning about life, choices, and rewiring my thought processes. I am learning to have a greater sense of ownership of who I am and who I will shape myself to become. The process of evolving never stops.
Change is difficult and I have to admit this entire process is much harder than I expected. I am learning that no matter how much you plan, it is alot about how you handle the curve balls. Your reactions and decisions to those can ultimately make the outcome of success or failure. It is the harmony you strike within yourself of these two forces that determines your ultimate fate.
Three weeks in and I can with 1,000,000% certainty tell you I have made the right decision. I feel like I have only begun living my destiny. I have nothing but excitement for what is yet to come. Bring it..I'm ready.
Tootles :)
Heather
This Sunday marks three weeks here and things are falling into place at a rate I can hardly keep up with or believe. The gratitude I feel is simply impossible to express to you. I have two jobs so far that aren't benefited but have plenty of hours for the next several months. I will have a much needed opportunity to catch my breath, catch up on expenses that are racking up, and allow time for something more permanent to work itself out.
I am in the pre-hire process and hoping it will only take two weeks, but could possibly take three (boo). So many steps, but in the end I will be a real employee in another city other than South Carolina. This is the first time this will happen for me. I've always been a travel nurse if not at home.
It is a subtle difference that gives me a sense of deep accomplishment from within. A new way to see myself that I am where I am because of me. Not because of where I was born, my parents (choices), a husband/ boyfriend, just me and my own decisions. I have stepped outside everything I have known to be my life up until this point and pursued my dream of where I wanted to live. Does that all make sense?
I find it very ironic that my place of employment is the same hospital that I worked at the first time I came to San Francisco as a travel nurse fourteen years ago almost to the month. April then, May now. Strange co-inky-dink.... no?
The way I have been treated thus far from both of the managers I will be working for exceeds my expectations. I felt like a duck in water in the interview and felt like I fit in immediately. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away is all I have to say about that. (wow I just connected Star Wars with Forrest Gump LOL).
Next on the list of things "To Do" is housing. Now let me tell you I am S-C-A-R-E-D to get into the apartment search in the City. Its been described in the local papers as a "blood sport" and I am intimidated to say the least. But roll up my sleeves, take a deep breath, and jump in I will (Yoda is that you?). It will be an interesting and entertaining learning curve. I will try to keep my eye centered on the thought of relaxing and knowing it will work out just like it is supposed to. Just let it happen. Deep breath.
I am still very torn about living in Emeryville, just outside the city. I can get twice the space, parking, and a balcony for the same price as a closet in the City, but it isn't-- the City. I am so very torn between the two. Deep breath. I will close my eyes and in the end listen to my inner voice. I trust myself I'll know what to do when its time to decide.
I know one thing. I have a POD full of SHIT waiting on me to be shipped. I have to let go of alot of crap regardless of where I live. Dear Lord in Heaven the process that is before me makes me swimmy headed and nauseous. Deep breath.
No matter, life truly is a journey and I feel very much on the pathway of my life. This experience is teaching me so much. All of the anxiety is worth the learning about life, choices, and rewiring my thought processes. I am learning to have a greater sense of ownership of who I am and who I will shape myself to become. The process of evolving never stops.
Change is difficult and I have to admit this entire process is much harder than I expected. I am learning that no matter how much you plan, it is alot about how you handle the curve balls. Your reactions and decisions to those can ultimately make the outcome of success or failure. It is the harmony you strike within yourself of these two forces that determines your ultimate fate.
Three weeks in and I can with 1,000,000% certainty tell you I have made the right decision. I feel like I have only begun living my destiny. I have nothing but excitement for what is yet to come. Bring it..I'm ready.
Tootles :)
Heather
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
I'mmmm Here (Said In My Best Poltergeist Voice)
Greetings and Salutations, (this was written Sunday)
It has been one week today that I arrived in California. I am so very excited but I have to admit out loud that I am taken mildly aback that I still have some adjusting to the culture shock that is San Francisco and California. It has been five years since I have lived here and I thought that totally counted. I have humbly discovered that even with prior experience, there is still plenty of readjusting ahead of me.
I have been spending time this week thinking about how change effects us. Even self inflicted, change is stressful. In order to have the best experience possible while on this journey of change I will redirect my brain gently back to the present as much as possible when I get worked up about the next step before I get to it. Wondering when I will get a full time job. Worrying about the slightly (tongue in cheek) overwhelming process of deciding what part of the city, including outside of it, to live. Will I run out of savings before I land a job. One thing at a time. Breathe.
Change. Its a challenging, often difficult to process to navigate. We naturally long for predictability in our lives. It makes us feel safe and secure. I guess that is a perspective I have never thought about until now. Change as a process, not just a feeling to be rated from 0-10 scale of unbearable to most comfortable. It really is a process that you have to go through to get to the other side.
That is why your temperament has everything to do with your interpretation of the effect the process has on you. One man's trench to wallow in is another man's mountain to conquer. Crappy all the way or surrender best you can and become one with the process. The choice, while rarely easy nor completely impossible is simply, complicatedly (is this a word?) up to the individual. Nothing is forever and what was uncomfortable yesterday with patience becomes tomorrows pleasure. I chose to see the mountain.
This morning while I was eating breakfast I was enjoying TV (I haven't had cable since June last year). I was surfing and settled on a sermon with Joel OSteen already in progress.
It was about being satisfied where ever you are in your current season (of life) even if it isn't quite where you want to be. To not fall into the trap of the proverbial carrot that dangles in front of you of contentment/satisfaction. If I get____, then I will be happy. If I get this or that job or this or that apartment/house then I'll be happy. Problem is human nature teaches us (if we pay attention) "then" never comes. Its always replaced with something else. We can get stuck in a life of discontentment/dissatisfaction. This was a very timely sermon. It reminded me of where I honestly do try to keep myself. Satisfaction with the moment I am in, while still keeping my eye on the goal.
No matter how long it takes you to attain the goals you set for yourself in life never stop trying to get there. I can honestly say that if I wasn't as driven as I was for some things I can't even explain, I would have never made this move to California. I would have changed my mind a multitude of times along the way.
I am still scared now. I just keep forging ahead. I will see this through success or fail. What I am trying to say is your journey has to be your own. It has to have meaning and have teeth for you and no one else. When you get scared and want to chicken out along the way, you have to have the fortitude to stick with your original plan because of what it means to you. That comes only from within you.
I will take the time to remind myself when I get scared of the changes I am under going, it is a process like anything else in life and this too shall pass. This too shall improve and get better with time. I need to be as relaxed as possible to make the best choices along the way I can so that the outcome exceeds my expectations and fears. How can I really lose if I exceed either one of those two things?
Tootles :)
Heather
It has been one week today that I arrived in California. I am so very excited but I have to admit out loud that I am taken mildly aback that I still have some adjusting to the culture shock that is San Francisco and California. It has been five years since I have lived here and I thought that totally counted. I have humbly discovered that even with prior experience, there is still plenty of readjusting ahead of me.
I have been spending time this week thinking about how change effects us. Even self inflicted, change is stressful. In order to have the best experience possible while on this journey of change I will redirect my brain gently back to the present as much as possible when I get worked up about the next step before I get to it. Wondering when I will get a full time job. Worrying about the slightly (tongue in cheek) overwhelming process of deciding what part of the city, including outside of it, to live. Will I run out of savings before I land a job. One thing at a time. Breathe.
Change. Its a challenging, often difficult to process to navigate. We naturally long for predictability in our lives. It makes us feel safe and secure. I guess that is a perspective I have never thought about until now. Change as a process, not just a feeling to be rated from 0-10 scale of unbearable to most comfortable. It really is a process that you have to go through to get to the other side.
That is why your temperament has everything to do with your interpretation of the effect the process has on you. One man's trench to wallow in is another man's mountain to conquer. Crappy all the way or surrender best you can and become one with the process. The choice, while rarely easy nor completely impossible is simply, complicatedly (is this a word?) up to the individual. Nothing is forever and what was uncomfortable yesterday with patience becomes tomorrows pleasure. I chose to see the mountain.
This morning while I was eating breakfast I was enjoying TV (I haven't had cable since June last year). I was surfing and settled on a sermon with Joel OSteen already in progress.
It was about being satisfied where ever you are in your current season (of life) even if it isn't quite where you want to be. To not fall into the trap of the proverbial carrot that dangles in front of you of contentment/satisfaction. If I get____, then I will be happy. If I get this or that job or this or that apartment/house then I'll be happy. Problem is human nature teaches us (if we pay attention) "then" never comes. Its always replaced with something else. We can get stuck in a life of discontentment/dissatisfaction. This was a very timely sermon. It reminded me of where I honestly do try to keep myself. Satisfaction with the moment I am in, while still keeping my eye on the goal.
No matter how long it takes you to attain the goals you set for yourself in life never stop trying to get there. I can honestly say that if I wasn't as driven as I was for some things I can't even explain, I would have never made this move to California. I would have changed my mind a multitude of times along the way.
I am still scared now. I just keep forging ahead. I will see this through success or fail. What I am trying to say is your journey has to be your own. It has to have meaning and have teeth for you and no one else. When you get scared and want to chicken out along the way, you have to have the fortitude to stick with your original plan because of what it means to you. That comes only from within you.
I will take the time to remind myself when I get scared of the changes I am under going, it is a process like anything else in life and this too shall pass. This too shall improve and get better with time. I need to be as relaxed as possible to make the best choices along the way I can so that the outcome exceeds my expectations and fears. How can I really lose if I exceed either one of those two things?
Tootles :)
Heather
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Recon Week San Francisco 2/2/2014
This has been a draft forever (since 2/26/2014) and finally decided to publish it.
Well, I woke up at 0345 this morning and tried as I might, could not get back to bed. Lots banging around in the old noggin so I cried Uncle at 0430 and have been busy at getting some things off my list. My blog is one of them. I wrote this while I was on vacation in San Francisco. It is dated 2-2-2014
Greetings and Salutations,
It is my recon week in San Francisco, 1st morning. I am filled with hope, gratitude, fear, and anticipation. I'm the only one up in the house (of my friend I am staying with) and I am relishing in the quite and stillness of the moment. I've brewed a pot of yum yum coffee (Peets, my fav she got for me) and figured out how to turn on the fire place on. What is it about fireplaces that I love so? Maybe it is because when you look into the flames, you slow down long enough to be reflective of your life past, present, and future.
Yesterday we drove into the city (San Francisco) and again I felt at home. It is as if I have placed the life I had out here on pause, like a movie. I created a life out here that has been waiting on me to return if I chose to. It is such a beautiful city, the people its skyline. I love that it is the houses along it's hills that contribute to the skyline, not just skyscrapers.
Ocean Beach was our first stop. The edge of the Pacific Ocean. So beautiful. The Beach Chalet- is a great place to watch the sun set out here. Great atmosphere and great drinks. Second stop The Buena Vista home of the ever famous Irish coffee. 3,000 is the rumor of how many they make in a day. Clark and Joe remembered me from 5 years ago in a place where thousands have since sat in my seat. What a special place. So much fun to be had with people from all over the world. The place has happy karma you can feel. Fun times where had there let me tell you. On second thought, I better not :)
Rounding out the day, we had a choice between a restaurant or a home cooked meal of a dear friend of my hosts. I am so glad we picked the latter. That night it truly did make all the difference in the world. Maybe I am going through some mind-bend, but I appreciated the hospitality in a way I have few times in my life. I observed how my friends interacted with their friends that they know so very well. It was like peeping into someone else's life. They were already in the process of making dinner and had enough for us all. I felt special to have been included. I felt like I was being invited into an inner circle of great friends.
Its raining outside. With the fire going, in my PJs, and a hot cup of Joe I feel snugly and beyond content. I have my favorite piano music playing quietly. I have already read a chapter in my book, showered, and have half my makeup on for the day. Work stress is gone from my reflection in the mirror and Charleston feels like a separate life a million miles away.
What will my life be like when I get here? I realize that I already have good friends here. Will I be able to make a life out here for myself? The one I see in my mind's eye? While it may feel like home it isn't. It is my second home. Will I miss South Carolina and Charleston too much? I gotta try and it feels so right.
I feel blessed for what is to come. I feel blessed I am going after the life I want for myself and taking the time to get things into focus. What I want out of my time alive. Going for things, and not just this move, that for the first half of my life I didn't think possible or attainable. What an odd feeling to feel blessed about what is to come even with the inevitable setbacks that I know come with life. I guess it is partly because my perspective in how I deal with bumps in the road is much different than even 5 years ago.
That is as far as I got before the house woke up and we all got on with the day. Hope you are all well and things are going great for you.
Tootles :)
Heather
Well, I woke up at 0345 this morning and tried as I might, could not get back to bed. Lots banging around in the old noggin so I cried Uncle at 0430 and have been busy at getting some things off my list. My blog is one of them. I wrote this while I was on vacation in San Francisco. It is dated 2-2-2014
Greetings and Salutations,
It is my recon week in San Francisco, 1st morning. I am filled with hope, gratitude, fear, and anticipation. I'm the only one up in the house (of my friend I am staying with) and I am relishing in the quite and stillness of the moment. I've brewed a pot of yum yum coffee (Peets, my fav she got for me) and figured out how to turn on the fire place on. What is it about fireplaces that I love so? Maybe it is because when you look into the flames, you slow down long enough to be reflective of your life past, present, and future.
Yesterday we drove into the city (San Francisco) and again I felt at home. It is as if I have placed the life I had out here on pause, like a movie. I created a life out here that has been waiting on me to return if I chose to. It is such a beautiful city, the people its skyline. I love that it is the houses along it's hills that contribute to the skyline, not just skyscrapers.
Ocean Beach was our first stop. The edge of the Pacific Ocean. So beautiful. The Beach Chalet- is a great place to watch the sun set out here. Great atmosphere and great drinks. Second stop The Buena Vista home of the ever famous Irish coffee. 3,000 is the rumor of how many they make in a day. Clark and Joe remembered me from 5 years ago in a place where thousands have since sat in my seat. What a special place. So much fun to be had with people from all over the world. The place has happy karma you can feel. Fun times where had there let me tell you. On second thought, I better not :)
Rounding out the day, we had a choice between a restaurant or a home cooked meal of a dear friend of my hosts. I am so glad we picked the latter. That night it truly did make all the difference in the world. Maybe I am going through some mind-bend, but I appreciated the hospitality in a way I have few times in my life. I observed how my friends interacted with their friends that they know so very well. It was like peeping into someone else's life. They were already in the process of making dinner and had enough for us all. I felt special to have been included. I felt like I was being invited into an inner circle of great friends.
Its raining outside. With the fire going, in my PJs, and a hot cup of Joe I feel snugly and beyond content. I have my favorite piano music playing quietly. I have already read a chapter in my book, showered, and have half my makeup on for the day. Work stress is gone from my reflection in the mirror and Charleston feels like a separate life a million miles away.
What will my life be like when I get here? I realize that I already have good friends here. Will I be able to make a life out here for myself? The one I see in my mind's eye? While it may feel like home it isn't. It is my second home. Will I miss South Carolina and Charleston too much? I gotta try and it feels so right.
I feel blessed for what is to come. I feel blessed I am going after the life I want for myself and taking the time to get things into focus. What I want out of my time alive. Going for things, and not just this move, that for the first half of my life I didn't think possible or attainable. What an odd feeling to feel blessed about what is to come even with the inevitable setbacks that I know come with life. I guess it is partly because my perspective in how I deal with bumps in the road is much different than even 5 years ago.
That is as far as I got before the house woke up and we all got on with the day. Hope you are all well and things are going great for you.
Tootles :)
Heather
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Fear Sure Can Be Blinding
Greetings and Salutations,
Brrr.. its cold around here. These are the times, along with many others, I wish I had a fireplace. Maybe my new apartment will have one (its high on the wish list). So lets get down to business of what's going on in my life and brain.
So the move to San Francisco/Bay Area is on and in full swing. I sometimes feel as if I am in a fog or dream-like state. Sometimes I am blinded by excitement, other times crippled by unadulterated fear when I think about moving to San Francisco. On one hand I am scared to death to pick up and move. I fear I am sailing into financial ruin. I have chosen to move without having a job. The medical field is much different then when I was out there last. Manager's are able to cherry-pick their staff. As with anyone else in today's world cut backs, sending nurses home early, and lots of people vying for the same job make me very very nervous. I have been away from the bedside for five years. I would like to think I have a chance of landing a job that I actually like and not just "grabbing something". For five years I've been more on the end of just trying to get through the day vs truly liking my work. For the past nine months I've been grieving. I am more that ready for sunlight in my life.
I am walking away from friends that I have worked hard to cultivate. I am walking away from a city I truly love that suffocates me concurrently. I am walking away from a job that paid the bills. I am walking away from the life I have made here. I am moving from a place where I feel like a big fish in a little pond to place where I may feel like a small fish in a big pond. There have been several points along the way thus far where I have been so scared I thought I'd pass out or puke for sure. Stuck in a point of knowing I can't and don't want to turn around and go back but being completely unable to put one foot in front of the other for fear the ground underneath me had evaporated.
Part of me feels like I am leaving mom even though I know she isn't here. She so loved Charleston. I won't see her house anymore. I won't see her garden anymore. I won't see or touch the things that my step dad Fred has in the house they shared. Things that are just mom. The thought of this makes me cry. It is a large portion of what scares me underneath. What if I forget something about her? What if I don't even know what it is until I see it in the house when I go over to visit with Fred? What if it is just knowing I can go over to the house even if I rarely do? What if I never see some of the people that have been important to me again? These are the things that my fears are made of. This is what Fear whispers to me in the quite of the night and the recesses of my mind.
I fear, however much of a tiny sliver of a chance that would be, that I will be all "hell yes" until I get out there and then chicken out just about the time I accept a job and sign a year lease on an apartment and wanna move back. What if I fail myself? I feel I can't and really don't want to come back to Charleston, yet South Carolina is the only home I've ever known. For the first time in my life I have to make a home without my mom. Its also difficult to imagine home in a place that's never really been......home.
Now what about the excitement? I can just about pee my pants thinking about a place that I feel like I belong. I love the shear beauty of the West Coast in general. California is a beautiful state. San Francisco is my love. Yeah, the people are alittle strange, but I get that about them. Maybe I feel like they get that about me. I get the diversity. I love that about Cali. I love even the perceived work opportunities I know I will have available to me. I truly feel with the money I can make out there, even with the cost of living, I can give myself the life I want and aspire to have.
I am going out there next week for a vacay and can't wait. My intent was not to have a depressing blog and point out only my fears because that isn't where my mind spends the most time. I just wanted to be honest and transparent on what my fears are. I reside mainly in the possibilities and excitement of this move. I am just plainly out of blog time. I will be bubbling over when I come back from my trip and will have the next blog be about the "rest of the story" (in my best Paul Harvey voice).
The exuberant, happy, and know I am making the right choice in my soul blog. I know this to be true. No matter the fear, even if it ends in failure, I am doing what my soul is leading me to do and that is most awesome. Pushing past your fears and stretching to reach what you deeply desire I have to say, already rocks beyond my expectations. I can't wait to see what is around the next corner and that is coming up very soon. I leave it up to fate and destiny. Bring it......
Tootles :)
Heather
Brrr.. its cold around here. These are the times, along with many others, I wish I had a fireplace. Maybe my new apartment will have one (its high on the wish list). So lets get down to business of what's going on in my life and brain.
So the move to San Francisco/Bay Area is on and in full swing. I sometimes feel as if I am in a fog or dream-like state. Sometimes I am blinded by excitement, other times crippled by unadulterated fear when I think about moving to San Francisco. On one hand I am scared to death to pick up and move. I fear I am sailing into financial ruin. I have chosen to move without having a job. The medical field is much different then when I was out there last. Manager's are able to cherry-pick their staff. As with anyone else in today's world cut backs, sending nurses home early, and lots of people vying for the same job make me very very nervous. I have been away from the bedside for five years. I would like to think I have a chance of landing a job that I actually like and not just "grabbing something". For five years I've been more on the end of just trying to get through the day vs truly liking my work. For the past nine months I've been grieving. I am more that ready for sunlight in my life.
I am walking away from friends that I have worked hard to cultivate. I am walking away from a city I truly love that suffocates me concurrently. I am walking away from a job that paid the bills. I am walking away from the life I have made here. I am moving from a place where I feel like a big fish in a little pond to place where I may feel like a small fish in a big pond. There have been several points along the way thus far where I have been so scared I thought I'd pass out or puke for sure. Stuck in a point of knowing I can't and don't want to turn around and go back but being completely unable to put one foot in front of the other for fear the ground underneath me had evaporated.
Part of me feels like I am leaving mom even though I know she isn't here. She so loved Charleston. I won't see her house anymore. I won't see her garden anymore. I won't see or touch the things that my step dad Fred has in the house they shared. Things that are just mom. The thought of this makes me cry. It is a large portion of what scares me underneath. What if I forget something about her? What if I don't even know what it is until I see it in the house when I go over to visit with Fred? What if it is just knowing I can go over to the house even if I rarely do? What if I never see some of the people that have been important to me again? These are the things that my fears are made of. This is what Fear whispers to me in the quite of the night and the recesses of my mind.
I fear, however much of a tiny sliver of a chance that would be, that I will be all "hell yes" until I get out there and then chicken out just about the time I accept a job and sign a year lease on an apartment and wanna move back. What if I fail myself? I feel I can't and really don't want to come back to Charleston, yet South Carolina is the only home I've ever known. For the first time in my life I have to make a home without my mom. Its also difficult to imagine home in a place that's never really been......home.
Now what about the excitement? I can just about pee my pants thinking about a place that I feel like I belong. I love the shear beauty of the West Coast in general. California is a beautiful state. San Francisco is my love. Yeah, the people are alittle strange, but I get that about them. Maybe I feel like they get that about me. I get the diversity. I love that about Cali. I love even the perceived work opportunities I know I will have available to me. I truly feel with the money I can make out there, even with the cost of living, I can give myself the life I want and aspire to have.
I am going out there next week for a vacay and can't wait. My intent was not to have a depressing blog and point out only my fears because that isn't where my mind spends the most time. I just wanted to be honest and transparent on what my fears are. I reside mainly in the possibilities and excitement of this move. I am just plainly out of blog time. I will be bubbling over when I come back from my trip and will have the next blog be about the "rest of the story" (in my best Paul Harvey voice).
The exuberant, happy, and know I am making the right choice in my soul blog. I know this to be true. No matter the fear, even if it ends in failure, I am doing what my soul is leading me to do and that is most awesome. Pushing past your fears and stretching to reach what you deeply desire I have to say, already rocks beyond my expectations. I can't wait to see what is around the next corner and that is coming up very soon. I leave it up to fate and destiny. Bring it......
Tootles :)
Heather
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Thoughts of 2013
Greetings and Salutations,
The original writing of this blog was done at Voodoo. As I transposed it to the computer I have intermingled today's thoughts with those of last night. I am so happy that I have found my "blog voice" again and thank you for following my blog. As always I am humbled that you come back and read my thoughts.
I'm writing this at Voodoo New Years Eve. Its 735 pm and I figured I would multitask by coming out alittle early to blog and get a good seat at the bar. I hope you all have/had great plans to greet 2014 in your own special way. New Years has always been very important to me. Mostly it marks a new beginning when its easy to reset your efforts and get focused. Its a chance for a "do over". I love the opportunity to have another chance to get it right. To get closer to what I want out of my life.
Hummm. The year in review for me. Started off awesome and very focused on my goals. In March the rug was pulled out from underneath me with the sudden and unexpected month long illness and subsequent death of my mother. March, April, May, and most of June quite frankly are a blur. While things will never be the same, I embrace with an open mind and heart of what my new future holds for me without her. I'll do my best to be the woman she saw when she looked at me. Giving up on discovering what my life is to be and happiness isn't an option. Simple as that.
July, August, and September saw biking, swimming, and endless projects. I am sure alot of this was therapy and my way of working thought the first stages of grief. October saw mom's first birthday without her. Before I really had a chance to catch my breath it was time for the holidays. I saw a screeching halt to all of my activity. I even lost my blogging voice. Basically I went into survival mode. Wake up, go to work and come home. Anything beyond that was and has been daunting and overwhelming. This lasted October, November, and December.
I made it through the "last time" of my first Christmas without her. I feel proud I made it though and without hating the holidays. Next year will be about new traditions and building on this years experience. This holiday season wasn't without trials and disappointments. But I am on the other side of it all and feel so much stronger for it. I haven't solved as many questions as I have learned more about myself and how I see life and the people in it.
I have learned there is efficacy in allowing yourself to be where you are, even if its sad and depressed. Pain is part of life and it isn't about feeling it. For me it is all about how you process it. How long you give yourself permission to marinate in your sorrow. I believe it is a double edged sword to give yourself time to process the sadness and sorrow no matter the origin. You just have to be very very careful you keep one eye on the calendar. All things in moderation including the dark days. Then it is about determination and what you are willing to settle for. Period.
This year has taught me alot. There have been a multitude of ups and downs sometimes in one day. I have learned I have a tough softness. I have learned despite great sorrow I still believe in great things. I believe deeply that in bad times "this too shall pass" is the truth. I believe in perseverance. I have cried alot. I see light and lots of it at the end of the tunnel and for that I am grateful. I look forward to getting back on track of swimming, biking, and projects galore.
My sincere wish to each of you for 2014 is to reach for what burns deep inside you. Do what ever it takes to make it a reality. Things you never imagined can happen if you do what it takes. You don't have to have it all worked out in your head. Doors open to those who try to turn the knob, sometimes more than once. The door that is locked today can open tomorrow.
Depression, setbacks, and mistakes don't have to define you or your life. Don't give up. I think the most important first step is to be honest with yourself about what you really want out of your life. Only then can you truly be willing to stop at nothing to achieve your dreams. Then its on like Donkey Kong. Happy New Year!
Tootles :)
Heather
The original writing of this blog was done at Voodoo. As I transposed it to the computer I have intermingled today's thoughts with those of last night. I am so happy that I have found my "blog voice" again and thank you for following my blog. As always I am humbled that you come back and read my thoughts.
I'm writing this at Voodoo New Years Eve. Its 735 pm and I figured I would multitask by coming out alittle early to blog and get a good seat at the bar. I hope you all have/had great plans to greet 2014 in your own special way. New Years has always been very important to me. Mostly it marks a new beginning when its easy to reset your efforts and get focused. Its a chance for a "do over". I love the opportunity to have another chance to get it right. To get closer to what I want out of my life.
Hummm. The year in review for me. Started off awesome and very focused on my goals. In March the rug was pulled out from underneath me with the sudden and unexpected month long illness and subsequent death of my mother. March, April, May, and most of June quite frankly are a blur. While things will never be the same, I embrace with an open mind and heart of what my new future holds for me without her. I'll do my best to be the woman she saw when she looked at me. Giving up on discovering what my life is to be and happiness isn't an option. Simple as that.
July, August, and September saw biking, swimming, and endless projects. I am sure alot of this was therapy and my way of working thought the first stages of grief. October saw mom's first birthday without her. Before I really had a chance to catch my breath it was time for the holidays. I saw a screeching halt to all of my activity. I even lost my blogging voice. Basically I went into survival mode. Wake up, go to work and come home. Anything beyond that was and has been daunting and overwhelming. This lasted October, November, and December.
I made it through the "last time" of my first Christmas without her. I feel proud I made it though and without hating the holidays. Next year will be about new traditions and building on this years experience. This holiday season wasn't without trials and disappointments. But I am on the other side of it all and feel so much stronger for it. I haven't solved as many questions as I have learned more about myself and how I see life and the people in it.
I have learned there is efficacy in allowing yourself to be where you are, even if its sad and depressed. Pain is part of life and it isn't about feeling it. For me it is all about how you process it. How long you give yourself permission to marinate in your sorrow. I believe it is a double edged sword to give yourself time to process the sadness and sorrow no matter the origin. You just have to be very very careful you keep one eye on the calendar. All things in moderation including the dark days. Then it is about determination and what you are willing to settle for. Period.
This year has taught me alot. There have been a multitude of ups and downs sometimes in one day. I have learned I have a tough softness. I have learned despite great sorrow I still believe in great things. I believe deeply that in bad times "this too shall pass" is the truth. I believe in perseverance. I have cried alot. I see light and lots of it at the end of the tunnel and for that I am grateful. I look forward to getting back on track of swimming, biking, and projects galore.
My sincere wish to each of you for 2014 is to reach for what burns deep inside you. Do what ever it takes to make it a reality. Things you never imagined can happen if you do what it takes. You don't have to have it all worked out in your head. Doors open to those who try to turn the knob, sometimes more than once. The door that is locked today can open tomorrow.
Depression, setbacks, and mistakes don't have to define you or your life. Don't give up. I think the most important first step is to be honest with yourself about what you really want out of your life. Only then can you truly be willing to stop at nothing to achieve your dreams. Then its on like Donkey Kong. Happy New Year!
Tootles :)
Heather
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