Fits and Starts

Greetings and Salutations,
     So I started writing tonight and got several paragraphs in and decided to change course. This could be a bit long. So hold on and don't be scare-did. Let's dive into my frontal lobe :)
     Do you know yourself? Have you stopped long enough to challenge all that you have been taught about the world, who you are, and how you fit into it? Why you are you? How you became you? Why you make the choices you make? How you define your self worth?
     I am learning more and more about myself in fits and starts. I see how much I have changed since my life took a different direction the day my mother left. My tenacity for life is a seed my mother planted in me that broke the surface in the wake of her death. I am so much my mother's daughter. But the real question I am asking myself these days is how much of Heather am I? Who is SHE? Who has SHE become? What does SHE want. What does SHE think? What would SHE do?
     Fits and starts. No one wants to admit it but that is how life unfolds. That's how life works day to day in the real world. One step forward and three steps back. Two steps forward and no steps back. It always changes up. Hollywood and others make you feel it happens all in one smooth stroke. You struggle and then poof. One day no more struggle EVER. Or better yet there are those of us whom never struggle. What a load of horseshit. I have wasted some serious tears and brain cells thinking that there is something wrong with me. An over thinker and underachiever. I want it, I struggle for it, and if I achieve it, by God I should have it mastered. But then I backslide. Damnit. Reality strikes.
     I made a personal life growth leap years ago when I broke up with my then boyfriend. Then I think I fell asleep. It happens. Next thing I know I was comfortable with life and wham. Mom died. Now what? I chose to move to San Francisco and when the dust settled, I realized for the first time ever-- my life and my well being were now up to me and me alone. It was overwhelming.
     Several recent situations have happened to make me realize it's time to wake up and grow again.   It's time for me to seek answers to those questions from within myself. Some how I got the notion that life overall doesn't change. I never change my furniture arrangement. I never change the color on the walls. I feel most comfortable when major aspects of my life never change. This is redonkulous. Life IS change. I suspect I know in part where it comes from. It isn't an excuse as much as I hope it gives me the ability that by understanding its origin, I can process it, and finally set it free.
     When I was nine years old, on a day like any other I came home from school. It was 1978/79. The day before was perfectly normal as all the preceding days before that had been. I walked home from school and my mother met me at the bottom of the drive way. Instantly I knew something was wrong. She had been crying. While I'm sure my memory has faded and can't remember all the minute details accurately, I remember her telling me through further tears there was nothing that I had done wrong, but my father had left us.
     After some brief explanation of how life wouldn't change as I knew it, I asked if she was done and could I go play in my room. I was numb. I remember in that moment at nine years old, I had a quick decision to make. Crush the fear and pack it away deep inside or it would crush me. I never looked back. I accepted what was. That was the first time my life was irrevocably changed.
     That first Christmas, understandably my mother wouldn't let my dad in the house. He had walked out on her after 21 years of marriage. He stood in the doorway of the den and handed me all my presents. I opened each one and had to run back to the doorway to hug him. I'll never forget those two days for the rest of my life.
     The man that was suppose my template in the world deserted me. He was suppose to be the man all others (men) were measured by. I hoped not. Even as a child I knew that. My biggest fear as I got older was the man I would meet and fall in love with would do just what he did. One day just disappear for reasons I could and would never understand.
     Wow. Where did that all come from? These are not thoughts I sit around and think about daily. This brings me back full circle. Who are you? Who am I ? Who have we become at this stage of our lives? What do you have unprocessed that holds you back? Understanding that can actually give you a better perspective of what drives your thinking and decisions. So much of who I am today was born that day that I learned my dad left me.
     I say none of this in anger. This is not the only view point. I say this only as a matter of mine. It happened. This is one angle of many through the eyes of a child's perspective of divorce. This doesn't speak to my dad's many other dimensions. I say this in hopes to fully understand myself and what has shaped me thus far. I choose to no longer let the fear of change cripple me. I no longer choose to let what was or wasn't define my future. I will no longer let someones life experiences define my existence. I will grow and embrace all that comes to me in my life. I will be the captain of my ship and not be scared to dream to have the life I imagine. I can do anything I set my mind to and so can you. Who I am I? I am Heather and multi faceted. I am complicated and simple. I am who I choose to allow myself to become. Who I become will forever change. How about you?


Tootles :)
Heather

Filled With Gratitude

Greetings and Salutations,
     Gratitude. What does it mean to you? Does it mean "thank you" "thanks" "that's nice" or something deeper? Is it a prayer, some form of Karma, or bullshit? Have you ever really spent any time thinking about it? Is it different from being thankful? I have never given this thought much time until recently. How recently? Well, I'm not really sure. Let's just say within the past year. It seems more and more I have been giving this some attention and I am loving it. I like how I feel when I spend time "in gratitude" mode. Even in times of challenge.
     True gratitude is something that once you discover it you want to share it with everyone you can. Like along the lines of shouting from a mountain top. But you can't. It is something that is a personal discovery and journey that expresses itself individually. My wish for you is in discussion of this topic you will start your own journey. Your own thoughts as to what gratitude means to you and really explore it within yourself. Gratitude doesn't have to be complex. It could be as simple as gratitude for the wind. A warm day. Someone sharing their love with you.
     A recent experience I had. I was feeling an unexpected wave of grief and sadness for the loss of mom. Like enough I wanted to pull the curtains and stay in my cave of a bedroom all day. Despite my better judgement I reported for work anyway. I had a patient mid-morning that I intuitively knew I could share how I was feeling. It was appropriate and professional, but human. She was genuinely interested in my thoughts and feelings. I helped her with her procedure and she helped me see a different prospective on mom's death and how I am continuing to process it.  In the end she gave me a really great heart felt hug-- a rub between the shoulder blades, Like a mom would do. It was my destiny to take care of her. She took care of me. I will forever be grateful for showing up that day at work.
     I guess part of my message is if you are so consumed with all that is wrong in your life you can't even begin to see the good. Adjusting your picture takes time. It has to be something you WANT. With out that first step it's no good. You can't get it. Not without Wanting it first. Gratitude is the silver lining. I never knew that. Actually until I just typed it. You have to want to see the good. You have to be willing to believe in something you can't feel at first. Faith that it will follow. The warmth of gratitude, You have to be willing to put a foot forward not seeing where it will land, but believing it will.
     I meet someone. I have no idea where it might go. That isn't even the point. I so feel in the Here and Now I am just grateful he gave me the gift of a random spark, Palatable and undeniable, I felt it the moment I sat down beside him and looked into his eyes. No matter what I welcome the gifts he has to share with me. His thoughts and perspective in life for how ever long our paths stay crossed. He reminds me that chemistry is real and alive. I am reminds me how random life is.
     Tonight I am so happy. Tonight I celebrate. I'm alone. I am torturing my neighbors with my loud music. But I celebrate gratitude for what I have been blessed with. I was so moved I had to blog about it, I wish you the spark to start your own journey down the gratitude road. Have faith in what you can't see at first if this is a new concept for you. Start a gratitude journald. Write in it as often as you can, It doesn't matter how simple or how often. Sad or happy. Find one thing a day to be grateful for and write it down. Watch it build. Jump. Faith will catch you. Dare to see more good than bad in any situation.

Tootles :)
Heather

Waylaid On The Path

Greetings and Salutations,
     I hope you have been doing fantastically well and are where you want to be. If not, I hope you are taking appropriate steps to at least think about heading in that direction. These are the thoughts of the evening: What does it takes to keep yourself on the path you choose in life? The kind of life you want. The quality of life you seek. The choices you make. And when I say "you" of course I mean us both.
     Before I left to come out to San Francisco I was on a great path. Making all kinds of positive changes. Yoga. Fun classes like jewelry making and pottery. Biking, swimming. Volunteering in my community. Blogging weekly. All activities well planned and prayed on for many years in my mind's eye. OK so in reflection I was on multiple paths LOL. And then I moved.
     Now don't get me wrong. I am grateful and very happy in my choice to turn my world totally up side down and move cross country. My instinct to move out here has been spot on thus far. It has been hard, scary, lonely, and frustrating. It has also been happy and exciting. I have felt my own personal growth in this process and that is way cool. This city is EXACTLY where I belong for this chapter of my life. No doubt about that even in my darkest hours.
     Since moving here, it continues to be a life lesson in learning how to live on the edge. And more so keeping my balance on that edge. On one hand it would seem so much easier to have one (benefited) forty hour job vs the three, sometimes four places I am juggling right? But what if it isn't. What if the "stability" of having one full time job is simply an illusion?  Seven months in and I am beginning to believe it just might be.
     A full time job brings with it no guarantees. It could all be gone in the blink of an eye. So enters that balancing on the edge I just spoke of. My current juggling act is at times very tiresome. I have no guarantee in any hours at all. Yet some how it works out. Most weeks I work 6 days and barely break 32 hours. But other times there are more hours than I can handle. My work calendar looks confusing to most who see it.
     But I am learning it is so worth every minute of it. My choices are teaching me extraordinary things can happen if you stay the course and push your own reality. To push your own definitions of stability and the way you perceive the world works. Sometimes when you wait for the other shoe to drop it never does. Maybe you catch it mid air and wear that bitch :) It is human nature to seek comfort in "concrete" things but do those things really exist? Stability is a momentary reality that is subject to change before you even know it has. What counts most is how you react and how you chose to view your life.
     Where is my path and when will I get back on it? Classes, volunteering, biking, blogging regularly, swimming, yoga, getting up early before work-- all of it. Why are good habits so hard to keep? Why is real change so hard to forge? In moving I've started the clock all over it seems. Absolutely wonderful and I totally hope you can hear the dripping sarcasm.
     I want to get back where I was and grow tired of my perceived inability to reconnect with that person. I joined a Yoga place in January. $85 bucks. Not one class attended so far. How difficult is it to participate in a yoga class? Its s-i-m-p-l-e because I've done it lots of times before. Some how I'm having trouble starting again. With all of it. Damnit. Damnit. Lucky for me tomorrow is another opportunity to get it right. It just trips me out how somethings I feel should be so simple end up a life long journey to get it like I want it.
     I hope I sound pleasantly frustrated with myself but determined. Hopeful I can reconnect with the Heather I started in Charleston and get back on all the paths that I love. All the things I knew I would love to do my entire life. I hope in my verbalization of these thoughts you will question and challenge yourself. Maybe together we will find some solutions. Life is an open book test with the answers we each discover along the way meant to be shared. Its what makes life worth living.

Tootles :)
Heather