Greetings and Salutations,
I have lots to report. I am or guess say I have all but decided to move to Berkeley, California in the San Francisco Bay Area in the next 4-6 months. This is, as the disclaimer goes, subject to change. Highly unlikely, but anything is possible. I have been thinking about this in all actuality for a very long time now. Thought I would move to San Francisco proper, but I think the direction of my life has changed over the past few years and I would rather enjoy SF from across the bay. So many things I want out of life come alittle easier outside the City. First thing is more space. Another list topper is it takes on average about $6,000 to get into a apartment in the city and I am just not up for all that comes with it.
I am very familiar with the SF Bay area, and when my thoughts arrived at Berkeley, it just clicked. A peace settled over me. I've already planned a visit in the next few months. To look at my options with a resident's eye, not a traveler's. To refresh my senses and be sure what my gut is telling me 2700+ miles away is spot on. It's what my brain needs to be inline with my heart and instinct.
There are so many things about Charleston I will miss. All my wonderful and awesome friends. My home. The weather. The beauty. The bridges. The beach. The simplicity life here offers. The life I have here. The things I won't miss are how pigeon-holed I feel professionally. There are so few choices of where to work in the medical field vs SF Bay Area. I know as much as you can without being a resident of what I am getting myself into out there. I truly have a deep love for all things California, especially San Francisco. It brings out the best in me if that makes sense.
I have worked at a hospital in Berkeley in 2009 and will look to that and other options in the area. I am thinking about going back to Labor and Delivery as well as the ER again. I actually saw a post for a job in the ER for 8 hour shifts ( I about fell out of my chair) 0700-1500, 10-1830, and 1100-1930. Now I could go back to the ER with those kinds of shifts for sure. I still want to investigate options (surgery centers, eye centers, lumbar epidural centers). Unfortunately the L&D at this particular hospital is looking for experience within the past 2 years and mine is 1996 :)
Even though I am really excited at the thought of moving out there I am scared as hell. Scared of leaving, scared of "what if it is a big ass mistake". My heart says "are you kidding, it s perfect" but my mind isn't convinced just yet. I suddenly feel like an adult. I still have lots to check out and think about before my decision is final. It will be vital that I find someone special to rent my house. This isn't rental property, its my home that I will come back to one day. I want someone that will take care of it.
I have never moved my "home" cross country. I have been a South Carolina resident my whole life. I have always had SC plates and driver's licence. Even though I traveled for 10 years, Charleston has been home. It's felt kinda like a child playing with others in a room. Every so often they run back to check in with their mother before going off to play again. With mom gone, I no longer have someone to check in with. I am left to pursue my dreams. In the absence of my mom I feel the overwhelming pull to pursue a life outside of Charleston.
Currently I need to put California on the back burner and and batten down the hatches to make it though my first holiday season without my mom and not, in the end, wind up hating it. I refuse to do that. This is my favorite time of the year. May God grant me the strength I need and seek. I'm gonna do all I can to make her proud. I'm gonna do all I can to not lose myself in my grief and continue to make the life I started before her death. I will keep my heart and mind open. I will learn from this. She is in my heart every minute of every day. Some times her absence in my life is just plain overwhelming. Its something I will learn to live with.
Tootles :)
Heather
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Technology Comes With Responsibility
Greetings and Salutations,
Hello and how are you? I have been busy trying to keep my head out of my ass and for the past two weeks and finally it was delivered this week. The storm (of grief) has passed and I am feeling much better. After a week of being physical every morning I am feeling oh so much better.
So this past weekend I went to the State Fair. It was a fun and low key visit. The thing that struck me was watching the police officer, who had stopped traffic to let us cross the busy road, screw with his smart phone. He never looked up as we were crossing the street. Now I fully realize that there was another officer helping with traffic as well, but it struck me as of all people that should be fully engaged in what they are doing, this dude clearly wasn't. I was struck by how unprofessional it looked.
We are a society that is hard pressed to be in one moment at a time. How many of you either observe someone texting while they are talking to you or you are doing that to someone else? That drives me crazy. Alittle of it I understand. Sometimes you need to touch base with someone you had texted earlier and they are getting back to you. Or you received a text. Excuse yourself and make it brief.
I'm talking more about when people text the entire time you are talking to them, or trying to anyway. Most of the time (certainly not 100%) I turn my ringer OFF when I am spending time with someone. I try hard to be aware of how much of my undivided attention I give to the person I am with.
We live in a world that is always on the grid. Its nice to get off of it with regularity and realize that you won't die if you don't answer the phone when it rings. That a message/text can go unanswered for HOURS or even a day if need be. That it is OK to be fully in the moment with the person you are with and not three people at once, two of which aren't even in the room with you.
Seeing that officer reminded me that it is a learned behavior to have cell phones such a part of our lives moment to moment. Ten years ago he wouldn't have had a choice to have a smart phone at work to distract him. Maybe that is one reason I actively chose to have an idiot phone. Less distraction.
I don't know the details of where, when, etc but I caught a story recently about someone on a city train that was shot and no one saw a thing that happened until after the fact because everyone was buried in their phone. How sad.
I am not saying technology is a bad thing. I am just saying it is my belief that use of the very things that make our lives easier will own us if we don't set boundaries. Not only for those around us, but for ourselves as well. How many times have you come off the grid for a few hours at a time? What about an entire 24 hour period? Have you ever left to go do an errand(s) and left your phone at home? (gasp)
I challenge those of you that need to, to do this. For the rest, I challenge you to be acutely aware the next time you are texting when you are spending time with someone else. Be engaged in the moment you are in, not your damn phone.
Tootles :)
Heather
Hello and how are you? I have been busy trying to keep my head out of my ass and for the past two weeks and finally it was delivered this week. The storm (of grief) has passed and I am feeling much better. After a week of being physical every morning I am feeling oh so much better.
So this past weekend I went to the State Fair. It was a fun and low key visit. The thing that struck me was watching the police officer, who had stopped traffic to let us cross the busy road, screw with his smart phone. He never looked up as we were crossing the street. Now I fully realize that there was another officer helping with traffic as well, but it struck me as of all people that should be fully engaged in what they are doing, this dude clearly wasn't. I was struck by how unprofessional it looked.
We are a society that is hard pressed to be in one moment at a time. How many of you either observe someone texting while they are talking to you or you are doing that to someone else? That drives me crazy. Alittle of it I understand. Sometimes you need to touch base with someone you had texted earlier and they are getting back to you. Or you received a text. Excuse yourself and make it brief.
I'm talking more about when people text the entire time you are talking to them, or trying to anyway. Most of the time (certainly not 100%) I turn my ringer OFF when I am spending time with someone. I try hard to be aware of how much of my undivided attention I give to the person I am with.
We live in a world that is always on the grid. Its nice to get off of it with regularity and realize that you won't die if you don't answer the phone when it rings. That a message/text can go unanswered for HOURS or even a day if need be. That it is OK to be fully in the moment with the person you are with and not three people at once, two of which aren't even in the room with you.
Seeing that officer reminded me that it is a learned behavior to have cell phones such a part of our lives moment to moment. Ten years ago he wouldn't have had a choice to have a smart phone at work to distract him. Maybe that is one reason I actively chose to have an idiot phone. Less distraction.
I don't know the details of where, when, etc but I caught a story recently about someone on a city train that was shot and no one saw a thing that happened until after the fact because everyone was buried in their phone. How sad.
I am not saying technology is a bad thing. I am just saying it is my belief that use of the very things that make our lives easier will own us if we don't set boundaries. Not only for those around us, but for ourselves as well. How many times have you come off the grid for a few hours at a time? What about an entire 24 hour period? Have you ever left to go do an errand(s) and left your phone at home? (gasp)
I challenge those of you that need to, to do this. For the rest, I challenge you to be acutely aware the next time you are texting when you are spending time with someone else. Be engaged in the moment you are in, not your damn phone.
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, October 7, 2013
Alittle Random
Greetings and Salutations,
I'm sad. Again. On the other hand I am trying to fight it hard. I am happy to be blogging. I haven't listened to my music in quite some time. I have a candle lit. I miss my mom. Something terrible. The 14th is her birthday. She would have been 75. I keep hanging on. I keep praying for strength. For time to pass and weaken my sadness. Overall this weekend I'd give myself a D-. Got pissed last night and took a chunk out of my hardwood floor while smashing my alarm clock. Guess my hardwood isn't so hard after all. Oh well. Keep Calm and Polyurethane On :)
I have got to get some sleep tonight so I can get physical in the morning. I want to swim. I want to feel better and I know exercise will do that for me. I need to get back into the acupuncture chair. Can't tell you how much that helps too. Last night my meltdown costed me precious time so when I got up this morning I wasn't in the mood for shit. Just sleep. Hit the snooze a million times. Oh well, as I always say-- tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. Try and try again I will.
I have been watching some really cool documentaries on Netflix. Do you remember the lady that sued McDonalds for hot coffee in 1994? Did you know that she got 3rd degree burns that required skin grafts? (I didn't at the time) I saw the pictures. Holly crap is about all I can say. Do you know that the family first contacted McDonalds only to ask for payment of medical bills that at the time were about $10,000 and McD's offered $800? That between 1982 and 1994 there were 700 complaints of burns from their coffee? The name of the documentary is Hot Coffee. Its very interesting. Goes into torts and tort reform. Super educational. Reminds me that when we read what ever it is that we do, most likely we don't know the whole story.
I'm amazed I still don't miss cable. Only a few times a month when you want background noise when you are futzing around the house. I try to do that with Netflix, but I keep choosing great flicks and I get distracted anyway LOL. I guess I have to admit I have filled in some of that "empty time" with too much time on the internet but overall I think I do pretty good. I need to shift my night time activity from less internet to learning to sew or painting. An alternative to concentrate on. I am thinking about saving for a sewing machine and painting supplies. Kinda my own party and paint at home.
I think I will get off here and practice painting my face incase I decide to go out for Halloween. I haven't dressed up in forever and I want to do a Sugar Skull face this year. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxhER5cnwrE I'll take pictures of my own if I do it and see how it turns out. Hope you are all well and hope I have better inspiration next week for something meatier than my belly aching. I'm rolling with it and here is to determination. What is the hip way to post that these days #determination or something like that LOL. If I have nothing else in life I have lots of that.
Tootles :)
Heather
I'm sad. Again. On the other hand I am trying to fight it hard. I am happy to be blogging. I haven't listened to my music in quite some time. I have a candle lit. I miss my mom. Something terrible. The 14th is her birthday. She would have been 75. I keep hanging on. I keep praying for strength. For time to pass and weaken my sadness. Overall this weekend I'd give myself a D-. Got pissed last night and took a chunk out of my hardwood floor while smashing my alarm clock. Guess my hardwood isn't so hard after all. Oh well. Keep Calm and Polyurethane On :)
I have got to get some sleep tonight so I can get physical in the morning. I want to swim. I want to feel better and I know exercise will do that for me. I need to get back into the acupuncture chair. Can't tell you how much that helps too. Last night my meltdown costed me precious time so when I got up this morning I wasn't in the mood for shit. Just sleep. Hit the snooze a million times. Oh well, as I always say-- tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. Try and try again I will.
I have been watching some really cool documentaries on Netflix. Do you remember the lady that sued McDonalds for hot coffee in 1994? Did you know that she got 3rd degree burns that required skin grafts? (I didn't at the time) I saw the pictures. Holly crap is about all I can say. Do you know that the family first contacted McDonalds only to ask for payment of medical bills that at the time were about $10,000 and McD's offered $800? That between 1982 and 1994 there were 700 complaints of burns from their coffee? The name of the documentary is Hot Coffee. Its very interesting. Goes into torts and tort reform. Super educational. Reminds me that when we read what ever it is that we do, most likely we don't know the whole story.
I'm amazed I still don't miss cable. Only a few times a month when you want background noise when you are futzing around the house. I try to do that with Netflix, but I keep choosing great flicks and I get distracted anyway LOL. I guess I have to admit I have filled in some of that "empty time" with too much time on the internet but overall I think I do pretty good. I need to shift my night time activity from less internet to learning to sew or painting. An alternative to concentrate on. I am thinking about saving for a sewing machine and painting supplies. Kinda my own party and paint at home.
I think I will get off here and practice painting my face incase I decide to go out for Halloween. I haven't dressed up in forever and I want to do a Sugar Skull face this year. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxhER5cnwrE I'll take pictures of my own if I do it and see how it turns out. Hope you are all well and hope I have better inspiration next week for something meatier than my belly aching. I'm rolling with it and here is to determination. What is the hip way to post that these days #determination or something like that LOL. If I have nothing else in life I have lots of that.
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, September 30, 2013
Foiled By Pesky Poisoning...Boo!
Greetings and Salutations,
Well, the blog I had ready to publish after a final prof read got crap-canned after my great day yesterday. Dang it. I worked hard on what I had written. Go figure :) The feelings and thoughts were honest, but too anxious. After my rocking day, my outlook has greatly improved.
Basically I've had time to wrap my head around some of the things that scared me at first. I have lots of thoughts and ideas of where I feel I'm headed. Some changes at work are in the tube and its pushing me further down my path. Thoughts of travel nursing, going back to the bedside, moving to San Francisco, and going back to school are all flying around in my head. I will work on rewriting it and hope to get it out on time next week. After some plain old endorphin releasing exercise I have a much better outlook and perspective on my choices and plan of action. I hope you are all going great and have a fantastic weekend!
So I forgot to post this BEFORE I left for my weekend. Was having a great time in Charlotte until Saturday night when I got food poisoning for 12 hours. It was gruesome and I really was in terrible pain. Like the hardheaded nurse I am I didn't go to the ER where they could have helped me and kept me from getting as dehydrated as I did. Had to wait until today to be well enough to drive home and I went straight to work after stopping at house to change. I'll get blog out (now that everything else is empty LOL) ASAP. Hope all is well!
Tootles :)
Heather
Well, the blog I had ready to publish after a final prof read got crap-canned after my great day yesterday. Dang it. I worked hard on what I had written. Go figure :) The feelings and thoughts were honest, but too anxious. After my rocking day, my outlook has greatly improved.
Basically I've had time to wrap my head around some of the things that scared me at first. I have lots of thoughts and ideas of where I feel I'm headed. Some changes at work are in the tube and its pushing me further down my path. Thoughts of travel nursing, going back to the bedside, moving to San Francisco, and going back to school are all flying around in my head. I will work on rewriting it and hope to get it out on time next week. After some plain old endorphin releasing exercise I have a much better outlook and perspective on my choices and plan of action. I hope you are all going great and have a fantastic weekend!
So I forgot to post this BEFORE I left for my weekend. Was having a great time in Charlotte until Saturday night when I got food poisoning for 12 hours. It was gruesome and I really was in terrible pain. Like the hardheaded nurse I am I didn't go to the ER where they could have helped me and kept me from getting as dehydrated as I did. Had to wait until today to be well enough to drive home and I went straight to work after stopping at house to change. I'll get blog out (now that everything else is empty LOL) ASAP. Hope all is well!
Tootles :)
Heather
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Thoughts Of Grief
Greetings and Salutations
Its been two weeks and I am still waiting for that gust of wind to come back into my sails.. I feel dead in the water and really dislike feeling as depressed as I have been.. It is a combination of a few things all happening at once.. Some work issues flared up (already done and over with) but have left me with a lingering sour taste in my heart.. That is the least source of my depression.. Mostly I am having a tough time dealing with the death of mom again.. The 20th will be five months since she died.. I feel lost (again).. I need and want to find where I belong in this world and what the purpose of my life is..
Mourning is an interesting thing when you have zero experience with it.. Mostly for me I would describe it as a leak, much like air coming from a balloon you held between your fingers when you were a kid.. Trying to see how slowly you could let the air out without deflating the balloon all at once.. It is odd to observe various thoughts and feelings as they work their way to the surface without your permission.. To loose control of your emotions for an extended period of time.. I cry these days if the wind blows too hard LOL.. I can't express my thoughts or feelings without crying, verbally or written.. This is seriously beginning to get on my last nerve.. Where do you go when you get on your own nerves?
It isn't that I don't want to "deal with it".. I just know that the only thing I have in my favor to make it better is time, and lots of it.. My mom is gone and nothing but time is going to make me feel how ever better I eventually will feel.. I am discovering all the hidden sources of my mom's presence in my life that was impossible to see when she was alive.. I am still learning how much my mother was apart of who I am.. For example: I never knew how much mom was tied to my enjoyment of yard work.. It no longer feels the same when I stand alone in my yard, the only one with a rake in my hands.. We shared an extraordinary amount of time talking about life in my yard.. I never realized just how much of a beacon my mom was in my life.. I am naturally questioning who am I without her.
Where do I fit in? Where do I belong? In Charleston? In California? What would I do if I threw caution to the wind and did exactly what I wanted to this very moment? I would quit my job.. I'd make my rounds to ALL my friends in the United States and then I would board a plane to Europe.. I'd come back when I was done, how ever long that would be.. Then I would lick my finger and point it to the sky.. Let the wind and my feelings determine what to do next.. Sitting here, behind a computer I have no idea what would be.. Settle back in Charleston? Move to San Francisco? Go back to school and get my BSN or master's? Change jobs entirely?
It crosses my mind that most of my thoughts are an attempt at escape from the pain that I am feeling.. Where ever you go there you are isn't a phrase that is lost on me.. It is part of what keeps me from walking out the front door and never looking back.. I also have a responsibility to my dog that I love dearly and to to a life I have been working hard to create for myself.. I have always been blessed with a level head and I pray to God I don't lose that gift that has served me so well in my life.. Don't get me wrong, I have made stupid-ass decisions.. I speak about the Forrest, not the trees.. I am at a cross roads in my life and I will do my best to think it through wisely before I chose my path.. For today, I will give myself permission to be sad.. To be depressed and feel it.. To work my way through the process.. I will try and give myself permission to cry as much and as often as I need..
Time will heal me.. I will know what to do when the time is right and that time isn't now.. I will wait out the knee-jerk response.. Its kinda like jonesing for a cigarette.. If you don't wait out the intense urge to light up, you will never quit.. The urge will pass if you wait it out.. This isn't really any different.. I can and will do anything I set my mind to do.. I pray God gives me the strength to make this a positive turning point in my life and not waste my opportunity of awareness.. I want to live a life that was worth it and discover my place in this world.. The hope I have for myself is the tenacity I need to find light in the darkness that currently engulfs me..
Tootles :)
Heather
Its been two weeks and I am still waiting for that gust of wind to come back into my sails.. I feel dead in the water and really dislike feeling as depressed as I have been.. It is a combination of a few things all happening at once.. Some work issues flared up (already done and over with) but have left me with a lingering sour taste in my heart.. That is the least source of my depression.. Mostly I am having a tough time dealing with the death of mom again.. The 20th will be five months since she died.. I feel lost (again).. I need and want to find where I belong in this world and what the purpose of my life is..
Mourning is an interesting thing when you have zero experience with it.. Mostly for me I would describe it as a leak, much like air coming from a balloon you held between your fingers when you were a kid.. Trying to see how slowly you could let the air out without deflating the balloon all at once.. It is odd to observe various thoughts and feelings as they work their way to the surface without your permission.. To loose control of your emotions for an extended period of time.. I cry these days if the wind blows too hard LOL.. I can't express my thoughts or feelings without crying, verbally or written.. This is seriously beginning to get on my last nerve.. Where do you go when you get on your own nerves?
It isn't that I don't want to "deal with it".. I just know that the only thing I have in my favor to make it better is time, and lots of it.. My mom is gone and nothing but time is going to make me feel how ever better I eventually will feel.. I am discovering all the hidden sources of my mom's presence in my life that was impossible to see when she was alive.. I am still learning how much my mother was apart of who I am.. For example: I never knew how much mom was tied to my enjoyment of yard work.. It no longer feels the same when I stand alone in my yard, the only one with a rake in my hands.. We shared an extraordinary amount of time talking about life in my yard.. I never realized just how much of a beacon my mom was in my life.. I am naturally questioning who am I without her.
Where do I fit in? Where do I belong? In Charleston? In California? What would I do if I threw caution to the wind and did exactly what I wanted to this very moment? I would quit my job.. I'd make my rounds to ALL my friends in the United States and then I would board a plane to Europe.. I'd come back when I was done, how ever long that would be.. Then I would lick my finger and point it to the sky.. Let the wind and my feelings determine what to do next.. Sitting here, behind a computer I have no idea what would be.. Settle back in Charleston? Move to San Francisco? Go back to school and get my BSN or master's? Change jobs entirely?
It crosses my mind that most of my thoughts are an attempt at escape from the pain that I am feeling.. Where ever you go there you are isn't a phrase that is lost on me.. It is part of what keeps me from walking out the front door and never looking back.. I also have a responsibility to my dog that I love dearly and to to a life I have been working hard to create for myself.. I have always been blessed with a level head and I pray to God I don't lose that gift that has served me so well in my life.. Don't get me wrong, I have made stupid-ass decisions.. I speak about the Forrest, not the trees.. I am at a cross roads in my life and I will do my best to think it through wisely before I chose my path.. For today, I will give myself permission to be sad.. To be depressed and feel it.. To work my way through the process.. I will try and give myself permission to cry as much and as often as I need..
Time will heal me.. I will know what to do when the time is right and that time isn't now.. I will wait out the knee-jerk response.. Its kinda like jonesing for a cigarette.. If you don't wait out the intense urge to light up, you will never quit.. The urge will pass if you wait it out.. This isn't really any different.. I can and will do anything I set my mind to do.. I pray God gives me the strength to make this a positive turning point in my life and not waste my opportunity of awareness.. I want to live a life that was worth it and discover my place in this world.. The hope I have for myself is the tenacity I need to find light in the darkness that currently engulfs me..
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, September 9, 2013
Inspiration Via TV
Greetings and Salutations
I wrote this while cycling in the hotel for my reunion weekend.. The cycle had a TV and since I stopped subscribing to cable, I figured if I was going to watch TV, might as well make it smut :) I was watching a popular family reality show.. That is what inspired this blog..
So here I am biking 10 miles, getting my sweat on, listening to my IPOD, and watching the show.. Its like watching a train wreck-- you can't look and you can't NOT look.. I had the volume off and was truly amazed at what I observed watching only body language and facial expressions.. I haven't had many opportunities to watch TV for an extended period of time without sound.. What I observed made me think about the commonalities as human beings we have that link us all together..
These girls have money, fame, and beauty yet they appear so profoundly empty. In almost every shot, their faces are angry and filled with contempt.. They are checking off all the boxes in life, yet so sullen.. The drama is for the cameras and scripted of course but I think there is more truth that lies just below the surface than one might think.. Maybe its 100% acting, but I'm not so sure..
What I see are women that have it all and yet make the same poor choices in choosing a mate that most of us have some where along the line.. When you can have anyone on the planet you want, how could you possibly chose the men they have and stick with that decision? My expectations of people who consume life at that level is much higher than what I observed.. Maybe my expectations are as unrealistic as "reality TV".. Maybe that is why I don't care for these types of shows.. That when you can afford anything in life you use that to your advantage and not squander it by acting like an idiot.. Atleast it did get me thinking and I always love that..
In the end, I decided to contemplate what connects "them" to common people like myself.. One of the things that can either take us to the next level in life or cripples us as human beings is our understanding of our own humanity.. Most all of us want three basic things in life: Love, acceptance, and a sense of belonging.. No amount of wealth, beauty, or privilege can side step that.. Our desire for these three feelings are one of the many things that connects us no matter where you are in the hierarchy of life..
Maybe then our choices in friends, lovers, and mates is an outward expression of how worthy we feel about any of these elements from the inside.. It is amazing what we are willing to endure and the behavior that we are willing to justify from another person in order to feel loved, accepted, and a sense of belonging.. I find one of life's many lessons is to learn to be aware of these needs and what you are willing to do to achieve them.. Who you allow to participate in your life should be a healthy and conscious decision.. Begin with yourself: love yourself, accept yourself, and have a sense of self belonging.. Learn how to fulfill your own tank of these basics so those around you need only to top it off, not provide the entire supply..
Tootles :)
Heather
I wrote this while cycling in the hotel for my reunion weekend.. The cycle had a TV and since I stopped subscribing to cable, I figured if I was going to watch TV, might as well make it smut :) I was watching a popular family reality show.. That is what inspired this blog..
So here I am biking 10 miles, getting my sweat on, listening to my IPOD, and watching the show.. Its like watching a train wreck-- you can't look and you can't NOT look.. I had the volume off and was truly amazed at what I observed watching only body language and facial expressions.. I haven't had many opportunities to watch TV for an extended period of time without sound.. What I observed made me think about the commonalities as human beings we have that link us all together..
These girls have money, fame, and beauty yet they appear so profoundly empty. In almost every shot, their faces are angry and filled with contempt.. They are checking off all the boxes in life, yet so sullen.. The drama is for the cameras and scripted of course but I think there is more truth that lies just below the surface than one might think.. Maybe its 100% acting, but I'm not so sure..
What I see are women that have it all and yet make the same poor choices in choosing a mate that most of us have some where along the line.. When you can have anyone on the planet you want, how could you possibly chose the men they have and stick with that decision? My expectations of people who consume life at that level is much higher than what I observed.. Maybe my expectations are as unrealistic as "reality TV".. Maybe that is why I don't care for these types of shows.. That when you can afford anything in life you use that to your advantage and not squander it by acting like an idiot.. Atleast it did get me thinking and I always love that..
In the end, I decided to contemplate what connects "them" to common people like myself.. One of the things that can either take us to the next level in life or cripples us as human beings is our understanding of our own humanity.. Most all of us want three basic things in life: Love, acceptance, and a sense of belonging.. No amount of wealth, beauty, or privilege can side step that.. Our desire for these three feelings are one of the many things that connects us no matter where you are in the hierarchy of life..
Maybe then our choices in friends, lovers, and mates is an outward expression of how worthy we feel about any of these elements from the inside.. It is amazing what we are willing to endure and the behavior that we are willing to justify from another person in order to feel loved, accepted, and a sense of belonging.. I find one of life's many lessons is to learn to be aware of these needs and what you are willing to do to achieve them.. Who you allow to participate in your life should be a healthy and conscious decision.. Begin with yourself: love yourself, accept yourself, and have a sense of self belonging.. Learn how to fulfill your own tank of these basics so those around you need only to top it off, not provide the entire supply..
Tootles :)
Heather
Friday, August 30, 2013
Two Half's Really Do Make A Whole
Greetings and Salutations,
(originally started writing this Tuesday)
Good Morning.. I write to you at 0609 (got up at 0540) eating yogurt and granola, waiting on the sunrise so I can play tennis on a backboard.. Its funny to find myself in this position of waiting on the sun to come up.. This hasn't happened in like possibly forever LOL.. So I thought I would judiciously use my time and write on my blog since I am tardy this week anyway.. I am still a student of learning time management.. Lately it has become a challenge to sit still and write..
So I have been wondering for awhile now and the last thought on my mind before I went to sleep last night is this about relationships.. Is it less abnormal than society makes you feel to have more than one partner in a lifetime? Is life meant for a vase majority of us to be lived in two distinct halves? Is that the norm and a lifetime with one person the aberrancy instead of the other way around?
The first half of life being where you are young, silly, and ignorant to the lessons life has in store to teach you.. If you don't pay close attention and learn to adapt (together) over the years you get burned and unfortunately for most, it will ultimately cost you your marriage.. Some people are smart and choose wisely early on in life and are lucky to have found someone in their twenties (or earlier) and make it an entire lifetime together.. Most of us unfortunately do not find ourselves in that position.. I see so many of my friends or people I meet randomly that divorce after twenty or thirty years of marriage..
The second half begins somewhere just on the other side of your "prime".. When thoughts settle in that you are beginning to feeling your youth slip away and bones ache that didn't yesterday.. Your face starts to age right before your eyes and you watch those around you getting older along with you.. Suddenly it dawns on you that you are at a crossroads to decide if will you consciously "let yourself go" or work hard to enrich your life like never before..
That what came easily and effortlessly to you in your twenties and thirties--health, burning your candle at both ends, your body, your thoughts, now takes effort and serious work.. It is difficult for me to explain how much different I feel towards and about life at forty-three.. How different I feel towards myself actually.. But I can tell you it's profoundly different than when I was thirty-three..
Some how in our society, as a divorced (or never been married) person in your forty's YOU are your own baggage.. Somehow you feel like you failed yourself because you don't have the same life you started in your twenties.. Maybe for humans as complicated as we are, having more than one mate in a lifetime really is more often that not, enviable and should be embraced without shame or regret.. Maybe the one you "grew up with" is the one that if you are luck and learned anything, helped prepare you be the person you are today.. Prepared you for the one you will spend the second half of your life with.. I never hear someone say they are more stupid today then they where twenty years ago-- do you?
So as I see it two halves really do make a whole life.. Instead of looking back on the first half of your life with regret and wishing you could be who you are now back then, look to the future and know that the life you have lived up until now was meant to make you who you are today.. Embrace every bobble, every mistake, every lesson.. Know that the second half of life really is where it all comes together.. That your life culminates in the second half..
Damn, how many times have I heard that life begins at forty and only in this moment do I really now start to understand what everyone has been talking about.. Should you be with the one you started out in life with, cheers.. Should you be searching for someone to spend the second half of your life with keep looking and don't give up.. The person you seek is out there.. Believe, that it isn't necessarily about "finding" your soulmate, its more about traveling on your own personal journey in life that causes your paths to cross..
Tootles :)
Heather
(originally started writing this Tuesday)
Good Morning.. I write to you at 0609 (got up at 0540) eating yogurt and granola, waiting on the sunrise so I can play tennis on a backboard.. Its funny to find myself in this position of waiting on the sun to come up.. This hasn't happened in like possibly forever LOL.. So I thought I would judiciously use my time and write on my blog since I am tardy this week anyway.. I am still a student of learning time management.. Lately it has become a challenge to sit still and write..
So I have been wondering for awhile now and the last thought on my mind before I went to sleep last night is this about relationships.. Is it less abnormal than society makes you feel to have more than one partner in a lifetime? Is life meant for a vase majority of us to be lived in two distinct halves? Is that the norm and a lifetime with one person the aberrancy instead of the other way around?
The first half of life being where you are young, silly, and ignorant to the lessons life has in store to teach you.. If you don't pay close attention and learn to adapt (together) over the years you get burned and unfortunately for most, it will ultimately cost you your marriage.. Some people are smart and choose wisely early on in life and are lucky to have found someone in their twenties (or earlier) and make it an entire lifetime together.. Most of us unfortunately do not find ourselves in that position.. I see so many of my friends or people I meet randomly that divorce after twenty or thirty years of marriage..
The second half begins somewhere just on the other side of your "prime".. When thoughts settle in that you are beginning to feeling your youth slip away and bones ache that didn't yesterday.. Your face starts to age right before your eyes and you watch those around you getting older along with you.. Suddenly it dawns on you that you are at a crossroads to decide if will you consciously "let yourself go" or work hard to enrich your life like never before..
That what came easily and effortlessly to you in your twenties and thirties--health, burning your candle at both ends, your body, your thoughts, now takes effort and serious work.. It is difficult for me to explain how much different I feel towards and about life at forty-three.. How different I feel towards myself actually.. But I can tell you it's profoundly different than when I was thirty-three..
Some how in our society, as a divorced (or never been married) person in your forty's YOU are your own baggage.. Somehow you feel like you failed yourself because you don't have the same life you started in your twenties.. Maybe for humans as complicated as we are, having more than one mate in a lifetime really is more often that not, enviable and should be embraced without shame or regret.. Maybe the one you "grew up with" is the one that if you are luck and learned anything, helped prepare you be the person you are today.. Prepared you for the one you will spend the second half of your life with.. I never hear someone say they are more stupid today then they where twenty years ago-- do you?
So as I see it two halves really do make a whole life.. Instead of looking back on the first half of your life with regret and wishing you could be who you are now back then, look to the future and know that the life you have lived up until now was meant to make you who you are today.. Embrace every bobble, every mistake, every lesson.. Know that the second half of life really is where it all comes together.. That your life culminates in the second half..
Damn, how many times have I heard that life begins at forty and only in this moment do I really now start to understand what everyone has been talking about.. Should you be with the one you started out in life with, cheers.. Should you be searching for someone to spend the second half of your life with keep looking and don't give up.. The person you seek is out there.. Believe, that it isn't necessarily about "finding" your soulmate, its more about traveling on your own personal journey in life that causes your paths to cross..
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, August 19, 2013
Where Are They Now?
Greetings and Salutations
Well, here is the followup to my 25th High School Reunion.. First off I have to say that I am very glad that I went and that I will never consume the amount of alcohol that I did that night ever again :) It was fun, a rite of passage, and most of all it was nice to meet people that I wasn't really friends with in high school, but was able to make a connection with that night.. I was overall surprised that pretty much anyone remembered me at all to tell you the truth and I am amazed that anyone would remember that I transferred in mid year of the ninth grade.. It was like a validation that I wasn't expecting..
There were several people who remembered me and I was actually taken aback.. There was one guy who always made me feel like an alien and a weirdo.. I hadn't thought about him until the moment I saw him.. When we walked past each other I instantly felt like I did when I was 17.. It was that same look on his face.. To some degree I guess it made me feel, not better, but somehow vindicated to tell him how I felt.. "I feel that you look at me like I'm an alien, then and now".. He just shrugged his shoulders and said "what ever" and walked away.. It made me laugh..
Speaking of vindication, and trust me when I say the two nights were nothing about "righting a wrong" from twenty-five years ago.. But when you go back in time as I was for two nights (first night out was at a bar to see people who would and would not be at the reunion the next day) it makes you think of things you haven't in a long time.. When you do "go there" you remember.. I shared with a particular person how they shaped my high school experience in a negative way.. I said it is laughable today but wasn't then.. He said sorry.. Funny, that wasn't why I said that, for a sorry, yet it felt good to hear it.. If I remember correctly (I could have been moderately hammered at this point LOL) he said he was glad to have the opportunity to apologize and that struck me as a profound way for him to feel..
This one guy that had a crush on me, now this is one I can't figure out.. I went up to say hello and do the blah blah blah thing.. I figured of all the people I wasn't sure would remember me, he would.. He looked at me with a blank stare and when I said my name (which I know he heard), at the same time there was a commotion around where I was standing and he was sitting.. He looked dead at me, stood up, and walked away.. Said nothing.. Avoided me for the rest of the night.. Walked around the room the long way to avoid coming my way.. Never made eye contact again.. I have no idea what to make of that but it was an experience all the same..
One perspective I was unaware of (during high school) was shared with me by a female class mate.. "I am never intimidated my anyone and you intimidated the hell out of me back then.. So intense. It was like you were on a mission".. I had no idea she even knew I existed back then.. I was happy she shared that with me and made me laugh at myself.. Of course it also points out how little I have changed in the intense "on a mission" part LOL..
I came away from the reunion with closure to the past in which I rarely think about and it reminded me how glad I am that none of those interactions were a defining moment for me.. I like to leave the distant past where it is and live in the present reminding myself that most of what I remember is skewed and not accurate.. I live in the here and now and that weekend is a reminder that in the present is where I want to keep it.. It was a great weekend and it was exactly what I hoped for, not over the top and not beyond disappointing.. I have left out some events to protect the drunk (mainly me) but I think you get the overall picture and I will leave the rest to your imagination :)
Tootles :)
Heather
Well, here is the followup to my 25th High School Reunion.. First off I have to say that I am very glad that I went and that I will never consume the amount of alcohol that I did that night ever again :) It was fun, a rite of passage, and most of all it was nice to meet people that I wasn't really friends with in high school, but was able to make a connection with that night.. I was overall surprised that pretty much anyone remembered me at all to tell you the truth and I am amazed that anyone would remember that I transferred in mid year of the ninth grade.. It was like a validation that I wasn't expecting..
There were several people who remembered me and I was actually taken aback.. There was one guy who always made me feel like an alien and a weirdo.. I hadn't thought about him until the moment I saw him.. When we walked past each other I instantly felt like I did when I was 17.. It was that same look on his face.. To some degree I guess it made me feel, not better, but somehow vindicated to tell him how I felt.. "I feel that you look at me like I'm an alien, then and now".. He just shrugged his shoulders and said "what ever" and walked away.. It made me laugh..
Speaking of vindication, and trust me when I say the two nights were nothing about "righting a wrong" from twenty-five years ago.. But when you go back in time as I was for two nights (first night out was at a bar to see people who would and would not be at the reunion the next day) it makes you think of things you haven't in a long time.. When you do "go there" you remember.. I shared with a particular person how they shaped my high school experience in a negative way.. I said it is laughable today but wasn't then.. He said sorry.. Funny, that wasn't why I said that, for a sorry, yet it felt good to hear it.. If I remember correctly (I could have been moderately hammered at this point LOL) he said he was glad to have the opportunity to apologize and that struck me as a profound way for him to feel..
This one guy that had a crush on me, now this is one I can't figure out.. I went up to say hello and do the blah blah blah thing.. I figured of all the people I wasn't sure would remember me, he would.. He looked at me with a blank stare and when I said my name (which I know he heard), at the same time there was a commotion around where I was standing and he was sitting.. He looked dead at me, stood up, and walked away.. Said nothing.. Avoided me for the rest of the night.. Walked around the room the long way to avoid coming my way.. Never made eye contact again.. I have no idea what to make of that but it was an experience all the same..
One perspective I was unaware of (during high school) was shared with me by a female class mate.. "I am never intimidated my anyone and you intimidated the hell out of me back then.. So intense. It was like you were on a mission".. I had no idea she even knew I existed back then.. I was happy she shared that with me and made me laugh at myself.. Of course it also points out how little I have changed in the intense "on a mission" part LOL..
I came away from the reunion with closure to the past in which I rarely think about and it reminded me how glad I am that none of those interactions were a defining moment for me.. I like to leave the distant past where it is and live in the present reminding myself that most of what I remember is skewed and not accurate.. I live in the here and now and that weekend is a reminder that in the present is where I want to keep it.. It was a great weekend and it was exactly what I hoped for, not over the top and not beyond disappointing.. I have left out some events to protect the drunk (mainly me) but I think you get the overall picture and I will leave the rest to your imagination :)
Tootles :)
Heather
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Wonders Never Cease
Greetings and Salutations
My Friday was a disappointment.. Overall I would rate it as moderate suckage.. I hate when I can't communicate properly with people.. Its really even a step beyond that.. I hate when I can't get someone to see where I am coming from, my perspective.. You know when people just chalk up your thoughts/feelings to that of a cray-cray? Anyway so I will move onto more positive thoughts.. The weather has made it very difficult with all the rain.. When I was out of town for the weekend I exercised in the hotel gym on the stationary bike.. I really was shocked by how much I liked it.. I dislike tread mills. They make me feel like a rat.. But on the bike it felt different.. Can't really explain it.. Maybe I just like that activity better and it is simple as that.. So that got me to thinking.. Twice this week alone I would have cycled or played tennis if the weather was better.. I am tired of the stop and start crap with being active..
At work they offer a gym membership for really cheap and it's month to month.. I think that I am going to get a membership so I can still bike even when it rains.. It is cheap enough that I won't freak for all the time I won't end up spending in the gym (when the weather is good).. It will be worth it when it is pouring or it's 110 degrees outside and I can still cycle.. My goal is to be active pretty much everyday.. Something.. Bike, tennis, swim.. I want to move as much as possible..
I dislike the word exercise.. It sounds, atleast when you are overweight like I am, like a temporary measure.. Condescending somehow like "oh, your excising.. You poor thing. Don't worry it won't last long I'm sure.. You'll give up and go back to sitting on your ass soon".. Maybe that is just the voice in my brain.. Skinny people have an "outdoor lifestyle" or are "physical" when they bike, hike, run, walk, play tennis, etc.. Fat people exercise.. Kinda like moms "take care of" the kids when they have them and yet dads "babysit" the kids when they have them.. I have never understood that.. Then again I am not married nor do I have kids.. Looks like I will take that conundrum to the grave with me..
So I am like a bulldog about staying active and figuring out what types of activities I like enough to make a routine.. A lifestyle that will stick with me.. I wanted to run.. I have decided at this moment or more correctly at this weight it makes my knees hurt too much.. They weren't at first.. Maybe it is running and cycling.. But I want to cycle more than run so until I get more into shape I will stick with my beautiful bike..
I still need cardio.. I have looked into how much it is to join Charleston City Aquatics-- $160 a year.. That is $6.15 per paycheck to add to my budget category of yearly expenses I save for.. Sweet.. I can handle that.. This Sunday I am going to go over and check it out.. I love to swim.. That is a great work out and wonderful for my heart and lungs.. I will have to get a suit (yuck) that I can aggressively swim in where the girls won't pop out.. Wow, wouldn't that be embarrassing for that to happen in the middle of getting your laps on LOL..
Friday I was sad.. Wanna know something bizarre? The thought crossed my mind how much I wished the weather was better so I could get my sweat on and that maybe that was part of my problem (lack of exertion).. That I haven't been physical since last Saturday.. I haven't had my dose of a natural endorphin release to make me feel better or give me the chance to "work out" my angst or just to keep my momentum going.. Now let me tell you I never thought I would see the day I would realize I miss getting my sweat on doing one of my favorite physical activities.. One day that line of thinking won't shock me.. Thank the Lord it still does now.. I have gratitude for that..
I have an official plan to hedge the weather next summer and join the gym at work.. Next year summer weather won't get in my way of consistent physical activity.. Should winter get in my way I know what to do immediately-- join the gym STAT.. For now, I will be patient and keep trying harder to get up early enough to exercise in the am and know better weather is just around the corner..
Tootles :)
Heather
My Friday was a disappointment.. Overall I would rate it as moderate suckage.. I hate when I can't communicate properly with people.. Its really even a step beyond that.. I hate when I can't get someone to see where I am coming from, my perspective.. You know when people just chalk up your thoughts/feelings to that of a cray-cray? Anyway so I will move onto more positive thoughts.. The weather has made it very difficult with all the rain.. When I was out of town for the weekend I exercised in the hotel gym on the stationary bike.. I really was shocked by how much I liked it.. I dislike tread mills. They make me feel like a rat.. But on the bike it felt different.. Can't really explain it.. Maybe I just like that activity better and it is simple as that.. So that got me to thinking.. Twice this week alone I would have cycled or played tennis if the weather was better.. I am tired of the stop and start crap with being active..
At work they offer a gym membership for really cheap and it's month to month.. I think that I am going to get a membership so I can still bike even when it rains.. It is cheap enough that I won't freak for all the time I won't end up spending in the gym (when the weather is good).. It will be worth it when it is pouring or it's 110 degrees outside and I can still cycle.. My goal is to be active pretty much everyday.. Something.. Bike, tennis, swim.. I want to move as much as possible..
I dislike the word exercise.. It sounds, atleast when you are overweight like I am, like a temporary measure.. Condescending somehow like "oh, your excising.. You poor thing. Don't worry it won't last long I'm sure.. You'll give up and go back to sitting on your ass soon".. Maybe that is just the voice in my brain.. Skinny people have an "outdoor lifestyle" or are "physical" when they bike, hike, run, walk, play tennis, etc.. Fat people exercise.. Kinda like moms "take care of" the kids when they have them and yet dads "babysit" the kids when they have them.. I have never understood that.. Then again I am not married nor do I have kids.. Looks like I will take that conundrum to the grave with me..
So I am like a bulldog about staying active and figuring out what types of activities I like enough to make a routine.. A lifestyle that will stick with me.. I wanted to run.. I have decided at this moment or more correctly at this weight it makes my knees hurt too much.. They weren't at first.. Maybe it is running and cycling.. But I want to cycle more than run so until I get more into shape I will stick with my beautiful bike..
I still need cardio.. I have looked into how much it is to join Charleston City Aquatics-- $160 a year.. That is $6.15 per paycheck to add to my budget category of yearly expenses I save for.. Sweet.. I can handle that.. This Sunday I am going to go over and check it out.. I love to swim.. That is a great work out and wonderful for my heart and lungs.. I will have to get a suit (yuck) that I can aggressively swim in where the girls won't pop out.. Wow, wouldn't that be embarrassing for that to happen in the middle of getting your laps on LOL..
Friday I was sad.. Wanna know something bizarre? The thought crossed my mind how much I wished the weather was better so I could get my sweat on and that maybe that was part of my problem (lack of exertion).. That I haven't been physical since last Saturday.. I haven't had my dose of a natural endorphin release to make me feel better or give me the chance to "work out" my angst or just to keep my momentum going.. Now let me tell you I never thought I would see the day I would realize I miss getting my sweat on doing one of my favorite physical activities.. One day that line of thinking won't shock me.. Thank the Lord it still does now.. I have gratitude for that..
I have an official plan to hedge the weather next summer and join the gym at work.. Next year summer weather won't get in my way of consistent physical activity.. Should winter get in my way I know what to do immediately-- join the gym STAT.. For now, I will be patient and keep trying harder to get up early enough to exercise in the am and know better weather is just around the corner..
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, August 5, 2013
Its Been Twenty-Five Years Already?
Greetings and Salutations
Hope everyone is doing great and life is plugging along.. This weekend I am attending my 25th high school reunion and I have to admit I am some what nervous about it.. While things in my life have never been better and are far from reaching a plateau, I wish this was next year.. Then more of my hard work would have time to make it to the outside of me.. Guess I really shouldn't feel like that and while I don't really think of myself as vain, I guess I do have alittle more pride and vanity than I would really care to see in myself.. But I guess the truth of the matter is life is life and where I am in my life is where I am today and I will stand proud for who I have become and what I look like.. Beyond those thoughts I also worry what if hardly any one remembers me? What if I hardly remember anyone? After all, high school wasn't exactly a pinnacle point in the timeline of my life (thank the Lord).. I hope I can remember some of the stories that I hear someone talk about and I hope I remember a few of my own..
Guess alittle trepidation is normal.. Its always scary for me to see someone who knew me when I was younger and had the smoking hot body I did back then.. I had no idea what I had.. I sure do today and it is a source of shame.. Funny, even seeing the word shame seems foreign to me.. I have been lucky in life that there are few things I have/had true shame for.. I have regrets or wish I could have a few "do overs".. I have mistakes.. I have some sadness.. I have joy and happiness.. I have victories and successes.. Shame is something I have had very little experience in really feeling.. I would rate my past overall as just that, my past.. When I think of it today overall I rate it as positive and everything that has happened in my life as brought me to the very spot I sit in tonight and for that I am eternally grateful.. I can't just take the good.. Its a package deal and I am so OK with that.. I would trade NOTHING.. I do, however, (still) feel shame when I see someone I haven't seen in 15- 20 years or more.. I always wonder if they think time has been good or terrible to me.. I never know what they really think.. I think this is going to be the life lesson of the weekend and I welcome the entire experience with an open mind and heart..
Don't misunderstand me when I describe my feelings.. I am so very proud of the person I am today and who I will be tomorrow.. I have worked hard to reshape my lifestyle and I am not daunted by what I have yet to reap.. That day will come and it isn't now.. I have more work to do.. I have to stay with all that I am doing to achieve the goals I have in my head.. Most days I have total peace with that and the process of arriving.. Its just the vulnerable part of me.. The part that wants acceptance and not rejection.. While I am nervous, I am excited too.. It will be great to see some friends I haven't seen in awhile as well as since high school and to just have fun..
I would imagine some of these same thoughts will cross someone else's mind Saturday night too if not already.. Wonder if I will connect with an old friend I haven't thought about in years.. Wonder if I will learn a different perspective about a story I hear and think "wow, I never knew you felt that way".. I wonder if nothing will happen and it will just be a few overall awkward hours with people I didn't know then and still don't know now.. Of course happily shared with the same buddies I hung out with back in the day and have fun talking about old times and new.. My vote would be alittle of all of the above and let the night evolve as it will and bask in the experience good or otherwise.. I would gladly welcome any experiences you have had at your high school reunions in the past.. Share here, on Facebook, or my email: helpfulbee@gmail.com
Tootles :)
Heather
Hope everyone is doing great and life is plugging along.. This weekend I am attending my 25th high school reunion and I have to admit I am some what nervous about it.. While things in my life have never been better and are far from reaching a plateau, I wish this was next year.. Then more of my hard work would have time to make it to the outside of me.. Guess I really shouldn't feel like that and while I don't really think of myself as vain, I guess I do have alittle more pride and vanity than I would really care to see in myself.. But I guess the truth of the matter is life is life and where I am in my life is where I am today and I will stand proud for who I have become and what I look like.. Beyond those thoughts I also worry what if hardly any one remembers me? What if I hardly remember anyone? After all, high school wasn't exactly a pinnacle point in the timeline of my life (thank the Lord).. I hope I can remember some of the stories that I hear someone talk about and I hope I remember a few of my own..
Guess alittle trepidation is normal.. Its always scary for me to see someone who knew me when I was younger and had the smoking hot body I did back then.. I had no idea what I had.. I sure do today and it is a source of shame.. Funny, even seeing the word shame seems foreign to me.. I have been lucky in life that there are few things I have/had true shame for.. I have regrets or wish I could have a few "do overs".. I have mistakes.. I have some sadness.. I have joy and happiness.. I have victories and successes.. Shame is something I have had very little experience in really feeling.. I would rate my past overall as just that, my past.. When I think of it today overall I rate it as positive and everything that has happened in my life as brought me to the very spot I sit in tonight and for that I am eternally grateful.. I can't just take the good.. Its a package deal and I am so OK with that.. I would trade NOTHING.. I do, however, (still) feel shame when I see someone I haven't seen in 15- 20 years or more.. I always wonder if they think time has been good or terrible to me.. I never know what they really think.. I think this is going to be the life lesson of the weekend and I welcome the entire experience with an open mind and heart..
Don't misunderstand me when I describe my feelings.. I am so very proud of the person I am today and who I will be tomorrow.. I have worked hard to reshape my lifestyle and I am not daunted by what I have yet to reap.. That day will come and it isn't now.. I have more work to do.. I have to stay with all that I am doing to achieve the goals I have in my head.. Most days I have total peace with that and the process of arriving.. Its just the vulnerable part of me.. The part that wants acceptance and not rejection.. While I am nervous, I am excited too.. It will be great to see some friends I haven't seen in awhile as well as since high school and to just have fun..
I would imagine some of these same thoughts will cross someone else's mind Saturday night too if not already.. Wonder if I will connect with an old friend I haven't thought about in years.. Wonder if I will learn a different perspective about a story I hear and think "wow, I never knew you felt that way".. I wonder if nothing will happen and it will just be a few overall awkward hours with people I didn't know then and still don't know now.. Of course happily shared with the same buddies I hung out with back in the day and have fun talking about old times and new.. My vote would be alittle of all of the above and let the night evolve as it will and bask in the experience good or otherwise.. I would gladly welcome any experiences you have had at your high school reunions in the past.. Share here, on Facebook, or my email: helpfulbee@gmail.com
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, July 29, 2013
I Submit My Report Card To You
Greetings and Salutations
Tonight as I pondered topics and what I was in the mood to write about, nothing was coming into focus.. Then It hit me just about the time I opened my beer (Lazy Magnolia Southern Pecan my new love.. yum).. How about my own report card.. How I am feeling about myself in direct relationship to all the changes and work I have been doing to the landscape of my life.. I usually write from a perspective as things I think about and challenging you and your thinking.. What if I told you how I thought I was doing and feeling about myself?
Well, for starters I can't impress upon you enough that you should check out Ted Talks.. It is some really rocking stuff.. When you Netflix it, all you have to do is search TED and save it (all of the episodes) to your instant que.. Watch it intermittently when you can.. Some of the "talks" are as short as Seven minutes.. Some are just over twenty minutes.. Its really strong, deep, awesome food for your brain.. Seriously check it out.. Even if you are only interested in opening your mind up just a "crack" this will help prime your brain for change in how you view your world..
So I am very hard on myself.. I have discovered that in my search for balance, I have created some new imbalance by not being patient to "feel" or "see" the fruits of my labor.. I am not just changing "things" about me.. Its about changing my lifestyle.. Its about changing my discipline.. Its about developing discipline in the first place.. Its about my choices.. Its about changing how I spend my time.. How I see the world.. How I see everyone I come into contact with, old and new.. What I see as possible in this world..
I actually don't really view it as changing things about me.. I feel it is finally expressing what I have felt was within me all along.. I just didn't have the skill set to harness it.. Humm, I never thought about it from this perspective.. This is where so much of my frustration is coming from.. The changes are happening from within first and at this time in my progress, not as outwardly tangible as I desire them to be.. Wow, I hadn't thought about it that way before this very moment.. Sweet--I like it :)
The things I am getting right? Lets see what I feel some of those things are.. I get so much better, consistent sleep than I used to.. I can see the difference that makes if I had made no other changes in my life.. More sleep equals more energy and a clearer mind.. I quit smoking.. The changes in that are many but most of all I quit something really hard with sheer determination.. I willed myself to stop and have stuck with it.. I am so very proud of that.. I quit partying so much.. That has had a domino effect: better sleep, less wasted days hung over, more energy, more time to pursue other interests, and just overall smarter to not waste my life in a bar.. It most of all taught me how to enjoy moderation.. I think that was one of the first lessons I taught myself..
I eat breakfast every day.. When ever I try to skip it now (and it happens, but very rarely) I pay for it by feeling sluggish and on fumes.. I eat what I feel is a great breakfast and I slimmed it down to the basics: no butter to prepare my egg, the thinnest slice of cheese to save calories but enjoy at the same time, 1/2 slice of ham for same reason, whole wheat bread to cut out enriched flour, cut out 1% of my milk (was drinking 2%), snuck in fruit with a banana and drink a small glass of Trop-50 OJ so I can save on carbs and sugars.. This meal was a process of looking at everything and cut where I could but still enjoy.. It started with the bread change from white, then 1% on milk, then cut out mayo on the sandwich, use Pam, etc.. I now have a breakfast I am proud of and I feel is healthy for me and something I can stick with..
I have been exercising.. Yoga, tennis, and bike riding.. Gotta find some cardio that I actually enjoy to add to the mix.. I really don't consider any of it exercise.. I am doing it to move.. To feel better by being off the couch.. To feel active.. To make (eventually) my muscles and bones not be so damn stiff.. To not feel like I am getting old.. To stop getting wider.. To have energy to burn because I actually create it in the first place..
Losing real weight will come when I put moving together with a total diet overhaul.. That is coming, but right now I am just concentrating on moving the day of and being able to move the day after LOL.. Every muscle in my body has been hurting for about two months.. This will pass ( I pray ) and I can't wait to see how I will feel in six months.. There are many, many other changes about me but less obvious and somewhat difficult to verbalize here and go beyond the scope and purpose of putting out a single blog..
Overall I would give myself about a B-.. I am an impatient person but I have to admit it is somewhat coming from the place of interest in myself to see just what I am made of.. You know, when you want to skip ahead in the book but don't? Will I outlast self doubts? Will I stay with it until the vision I have for myself comes to fruition or will I fall short? Its a morbid curiosity of myself.. Can I make lasting changes within myself stick? As one of my dearest friends reminded me yesterday when I felt so very overwhelmed with it all "just breathe" and so I did and I suddenly found the clouds of my brain cleared and I pressed on, making myself feel better as I continue to learn how to do.. Slow and steady wins the race
Tootles :)
Heather
Tonight as I pondered topics and what I was in the mood to write about, nothing was coming into focus.. Then It hit me just about the time I opened my beer (Lazy Magnolia Southern Pecan my new love.. yum).. How about my own report card.. How I am feeling about myself in direct relationship to all the changes and work I have been doing to the landscape of my life.. I usually write from a perspective as things I think about and challenging you and your thinking.. What if I told you how I thought I was doing and feeling about myself?
Well, for starters I can't impress upon you enough that you should check out Ted Talks.. It is some really rocking stuff.. When you Netflix it, all you have to do is search TED and save it (all of the episodes) to your instant que.. Watch it intermittently when you can.. Some of the "talks" are as short as Seven minutes.. Some are just over twenty minutes.. Its really strong, deep, awesome food for your brain.. Seriously check it out.. Even if you are only interested in opening your mind up just a "crack" this will help prime your brain for change in how you view your world..
So I am very hard on myself.. I have discovered that in my search for balance, I have created some new imbalance by not being patient to "feel" or "see" the fruits of my labor.. I am not just changing "things" about me.. Its about changing my lifestyle.. Its about changing my discipline.. Its about developing discipline in the first place.. Its about my choices.. Its about changing how I spend my time.. How I see the world.. How I see everyone I come into contact with, old and new.. What I see as possible in this world..
I actually don't really view it as changing things about me.. I feel it is finally expressing what I have felt was within me all along.. I just didn't have the skill set to harness it.. Humm, I never thought about it from this perspective.. This is where so much of my frustration is coming from.. The changes are happening from within first and at this time in my progress, not as outwardly tangible as I desire them to be.. Wow, I hadn't thought about it that way before this very moment.. Sweet--I like it :)
The things I am getting right? Lets see what I feel some of those things are.. I get so much better, consistent sleep than I used to.. I can see the difference that makes if I had made no other changes in my life.. More sleep equals more energy and a clearer mind.. I quit smoking.. The changes in that are many but most of all I quit something really hard with sheer determination.. I willed myself to stop and have stuck with it.. I am so very proud of that.. I quit partying so much.. That has had a domino effect: better sleep, less wasted days hung over, more energy, more time to pursue other interests, and just overall smarter to not waste my life in a bar.. It most of all taught me how to enjoy moderation.. I think that was one of the first lessons I taught myself..
I eat breakfast every day.. When ever I try to skip it now (and it happens, but very rarely) I pay for it by feeling sluggish and on fumes.. I eat what I feel is a great breakfast and I slimmed it down to the basics: no butter to prepare my egg, the thinnest slice of cheese to save calories but enjoy at the same time, 1/2 slice of ham for same reason, whole wheat bread to cut out enriched flour, cut out 1% of my milk (was drinking 2%), snuck in fruit with a banana and drink a small glass of Trop-50 OJ so I can save on carbs and sugars.. This meal was a process of looking at everything and cut where I could but still enjoy.. It started with the bread change from white, then 1% on milk, then cut out mayo on the sandwich, use Pam, etc.. I now have a breakfast I am proud of and I feel is healthy for me and something I can stick with..
I have been exercising.. Yoga, tennis, and bike riding.. Gotta find some cardio that I actually enjoy to add to the mix.. I really don't consider any of it exercise.. I am doing it to move.. To feel better by being off the couch.. To feel active.. To make (eventually) my muscles and bones not be so damn stiff.. To not feel like I am getting old.. To stop getting wider.. To have energy to burn because I actually create it in the first place..
Losing real weight will come when I put moving together with a total diet overhaul.. That is coming, but right now I am just concentrating on moving the day of and being able to move the day after LOL.. Every muscle in my body has been hurting for about two months.. This will pass ( I pray ) and I can't wait to see how I will feel in six months.. There are many, many other changes about me but less obvious and somewhat difficult to verbalize here and go beyond the scope and purpose of putting out a single blog..
Overall I would give myself about a B-.. I am an impatient person but I have to admit it is somewhat coming from the place of interest in myself to see just what I am made of.. You know, when you want to skip ahead in the book but don't? Will I outlast self doubts? Will I stay with it until the vision I have for myself comes to fruition or will I fall short? Its a morbid curiosity of myself.. Can I make lasting changes within myself stick? As one of my dearest friends reminded me yesterday when I felt so very overwhelmed with it all "just breathe" and so I did and I suddenly found the clouds of my brain cleared and I pressed on, making myself feel better as I continue to learn how to do.. Slow and steady wins the race
Tootles :)
Heather
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
TED...Its Worth Checking Out
Greetings and Salutations
I am sorry I haven't blogged in a few Monday's.. I have had quite a few things going on and not enough hours in the day to get it all done.. I have also been alittle short of creativity as of lately and I find it a real challenge to blog when I feel that way.. Having said that disclaimer, here goes nothing LOL.. Tonight I want to turn you onto something I think is really cool, and this doesn't require reading :) Check out TED Talks.. I found it on Netflix.. You can also find it at TED.com.. Its twenty minutes worth of food for thought from all types of presenters from Bill Clinton to Malcolm Gladwell (one of the dudes on my book list).. My sister actually mentioned it to me months and months ago, but it didn't find me until just about a week ago..
Alot of the presentations are very much along the lines of the thoughts I express in my blog and so very much inline with the reading and teachings I am learning for a positive belief system and the science that goes with it.. It gives you tools and teaches you lessons to rewire your brain from the perspective where most of us learned to come from (negative or it can't be done) to anything is possible and the research that has gone into breaking myths of how powerful your thoughts and perspective about the world around you can be.. About how important the way in which you process the information you receive has to do with your overall outlook on life.. It teaches concepts that really can flip your world onto itself and help you to live a life of hopefulness not hopelessness.. Of happiness and success, not stress and failures.. To switch your default to a positive view, not a negative one..
So last weekend I had a great birthday celebration and was very grateful to celebrate it with some wonderful friends.. Wanna know what was underneath the surface? Missing my Mom.. This first year of "firsts" is every bit of the challenge that I suspected it would be.. Somehow once again, I thought I could circumnavigate the emotions of missing my Mom as deeply as I do by trying to ignore my feelings.. The hole I feel of course comes from this first time in my life of not getting a "Happy Birthday" from my Mom.. Next year the sting will be less.. I look forward to that.. I can't even type the concept of her name without tearing up.. I can't talk to anyone about it because there is really nothing to say.. Its been just over three months since she died.. I have to let the tears flow when they do.. I have to just let the intensity of the feeling sink in and wait for it to pass like a storm.. And pass it will.. I know I have to continue to learn how to comfort myself and let the passage of time heal me as well.. Overall I'm doing great in that department..
So I say that to help myself see my thoughts on "paper" so to speak.. Somehow that makes me feel better.. That even though at this moment my heart and soul is heavy, I keep as positive an outlook as possible.. Life really is so much in how you frame what happens to you and around you.. What lessons you choose to walk away with.. Being positive and seeing possibility in life and situations doesn't mean bad things don't happen.. It doesn't mean you don't get sad, mad, make bad choices, or get depressed.. It means when those things happen you do your best to see the good in everything you can and deal with the bad with the best attitude possible, not the worst.. So far, after all I have been reading and learning, there is real science to all of this.. I find this really cool and an endless source of research for me.. For example, have you ever heard of Post Traumatic Growth? I have never heard of it until one of the TED presentations. It is the other end of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).. Google it.. Very interesting stuff I think..
A friend of mine the other day called me and said "I've been reading your posts on Facebook.. Whats up all the sudden with so much exercise? Mid-life crisis? (laughing) I've never known you to do any of this, ever".. My response: "Are you kidding? I've been praying and waiting for this all of my life" and left it at that.. What I wanted to do was point out how non-supportive and kinda (actually) hurtful his comments were to me.. While I know he didn't mean any harm I want encouragement and support not laughter or doubt in my abilities.. I understand the comments for what they are.. His limitations of himself.. His skepticism of something new to him.. It is much easier and familiar to put something down than raise it up so it will hurt less when it fails, as we suspect 90% of what we (and those around us) will try-- right?? (wrong)
We limit not only ourselves with our thoughts, but those around us as well.. When you change how you see the world and your relationship to it you will no longer process information this way.. You will choose to see the good in almost everything and the bad will be automatically filtered out.. It won't take effort to see the good in people and things.. It will take effort to see the bad.. You will have a "can do anything you put your mind to" attitude.. Next time you open your mouth in response to what someone is attempting in their life, make sure you aren't picturing yourself in their shoes and assuming that if you can't do it neither can they.. Adopt the "anything is possible " attitude without any footnotes of doubt and watch what happens..
Tootles :)
Heather
I am sorry I haven't blogged in a few Monday's.. I have had quite a few things going on and not enough hours in the day to get it all done.. I have also been alittle short of creativity as of lately and I find it a real challenge to blog when I feel that way.. Having said that disclaimer, here goes nothing LOL.. Tonight I want to turn you onto something I think is really cool, and this doesn't require reading :) Check out TED Talks.. I found it on Netflix.. You can also find it at TED.com.. Its twenty minutes worth of food for thought from all types of presenters from Bill Clinton to Malcolm Gladwell (one of the dudes on my book list).. My sister actually mentioned it to me months and months ago, but it didn't find me until just about a week ago..
Alot of the presentations are very much along the lines of the thoughts I express in my blog and so very much inline with the reading and teachings I am learning for a positive belief system and the science that goes with it.. It gives you tools and teaches you lessons to rewire your brain from the perspective where most of us learned to come from (negative or it can't be done) to anything is possible and the research that has gone into breaking myths of how powerful your thoughts and perspective about the world around you can be.. About how important the way in which you process the information you receive has to do with your overall outlook on life.. It teaches concepts that really can flip your world onto itself and help you to live a life of hopefulness not hopelessness.. Of happiness and success, not stress and failures.. To switch your default to a positive view, not a negative one..
So last weekend I had a great birthday celebration and was very grateful to celebrate it with some wonderful friends.. Wanna know what was underneath the surface? Missing my Mom.. This first year of "firsts" is every bit of the challenge that I suspected it would be.. Somehow once again, I thought I could circumnavigate the emotions of missing my Mom as deeply as I do by trying to ignore my feelings.. The hole I feel of course comes from this first time in my life of not getting a "Happy Birthday" from my Mom.. Next year the sting will be less.. I look forward to that.. I can't even type the concept of her name without tearing up.. I can't talk to anyone about it because there is really nothing to say.. Its been just over three months since she died.. I have to let the tears flow when they do.. I have to just let the intensity of the feeling sink in and wait for it to pass like a storm.. And pass it will.. I know I have to continue to learn how to comfort myself and let the passage of time heal me as well.. Overall I'm doing great in that department..
So I say that to help myself see my thoughts on "paper" so to speak.. Somehow that makes me feel better.. That even though at this moment my heart and soul is heavy, I keep as positive an outlook as possible.. Life really is so much in how you frame what happens to you and around you.. What lessons you choose to walk away with.. Being positive and seeing possibility in life and situations doesn't mean bad things don't happen.. It doesn't mean you don't get sad, mad, make bad choices, or get depressed.. It means when those things happen you do your best to see the good in everything you can and deal with the bad with the best attitude possible, not the worst.. So far, after all I have been reading and learning, there is real science to all of this.. I find this really cool and an endless source of research for me.. For example, have you ever heard of Post Traumatic Growth? I have never heard of it until one of the TED presentations. It is the other end of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).. Google it.. Very interesting stuff I think..
A friend of mine the other day called me and said "I've been reading your posts on Facebook.. Whats up all the sudden with so much exercise? Mid-life crisis? (laughing) I've never known you to do any of this, ever".. My response: "Are you kidding? I've been praying and waiting for this all of my life" and left it at that.. What I wanted to do was point out how non-supportive and kinda (actually) hurtful his comments were to me.. While I know he didn't mean any harm I want encouragement and support not laughter or doubt in my abilities.. I understand the comments for what they are.. His limitations of himself.. His skepticism of something new to him.. It is much easier and familiar to put something down than raise it up so it will hurt less when it fails, as we suspect 90% of what we (and those around us) will try-- right?? (wrong)
We limit not only ourselves with our thoughts, but those around us as well.. When you change how you see the world and your relationship to it you will no longer process information this way.. You will choose to see the good in almost everything and the bad will be automatically filtered out.. It won't take effort to see the good in people and things.. It will take effort to see the bad.. You will have a "can do anything you put your mind to" attitude.. Next time you open your mouth in response to what someone is attempting in their life, make sure you aren't picturing yourself in their shoes and assuming that if you can't do it neither can they.. Adopt the "anything is possible " attitude without any footnotes of doubt and watch what happens..
Tootles :)
Heather
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I'll Be Damned..I've Been Bitten Again.....
Greetings and Salutations
Good Morning.. Interesting that I have discovered that I use my time more efficiently when I blog in the morning and edit when I get home.. I love discovery and stumbled over this little victory a few weeks ago when I blogged on a Monday morning by accident.. Now, enough with that and on to the meat and potatoes of what's knockin' around in my head today.. I have officially been bitten by the exercise bug.. I can't believe it has finally gotten around to finding me after all these years.. I thought it most likely would never happen.. I have to report how this is making me feel.. How breakthroughs truly are about persistence.. No time line is required.. It is about personal sweat equity of staying with a thought or dream until it happens..
I have never been an outdoorsy type person.. I have never been a sports person.. I have never been an exercise person.. I have always wished that I was all three of these.. I have dreamt many times over that this would be a natural thing within me that I would exercise multiple times a week and that I would miss it if I wasn't doing it.. That it would be incorporated into my daily/weekly routine the same as sleeping, eating, working, and breathing.. That I would enjoy the outdoors like I observed with other people.. It started with getting back into tennis (yoga actually but that is another blog).. Oh how I really love to play that game.. I have been playing a few times a week with a friend for the past month or so.. I also found a court with a backboard and I think more about that backboard than I do about men (OK.. almost as much) LOL.. I am beyond excited that I have found a way to participate in an activity that doesn't require having someone to play with me.. I'm ready for a part time job so I can play every day.. I am ready to pitch a tent beside the court so I can roll out of bed and play first thing in the morning.. How wonderful it is to feel that passionate about anything in life..
I have been thinking about getting a bike to lap around Hampton Park for a few weeks.. Can you believe that I just discovered that park existed only this past year? What can I say.. I hardly ever went on that side of the Crosstown and while I did go around the park a few times, I never looked beyond the trees before me.. Saturday I became the proud owner of "Virginia" my new hot pink mountain bike.. Those of you who know me personally can hear me say her name in my mock British accent Vir-GIN-ya LOL.. I can't believe that I am the proud owner of a bike.. I biked Six miles that day.. Three miles and took a breather.. Then three more.. Sunday I biked six miles before I took a break. Then four more.. Sixteen miles in two days and I lived not only to tell about it, but could walk the next day.. I almost peed my panties that I didn't need traction for a week :)~ So now I have yoga, acupuncture, tennis, and biking on my mind every day.. Who am I? If I wasn't watching myself grow I would have trouble recognizing myself.. How awesome is that?
So here is the bottom line of my thoughts about making changes, pursuing anything you are after, or wanting to add something into your life that at the present moment doesn't exist no matter how small or large.. I read alot of books and so many of them are spot on but this is where I think most fall short of the real message.. There IS no time frame of when you can mark down an attempt as a failure or success for that matter.. When you want something bad enough you will find a way.. When it is a personal success you'll know it and all the failures will no longer matter.. You are working on it even when you make no physical steps towards you goal.. Half the battle is to get it into your head and think about it over and over.. As long as what ever you are after is in your soul you will find a way.. It might take one week.. It might take three months or Six.. It might take a year or more.. Just no matter what, keep at it in your mind and it will find a way to manifest itself in your life.. I can't stress that enough.. Forget about the calendar.. Just keep the object of your desire in your minds eye and be patient.. Make every baby step you can.. Bigger ones will come along the way.. It will happen if you stick with it I promise..
I am to the point of two awesome decisions that I never thought I would hear come out of my mouth.. First I want to run a 5K within the next year.. I want to say six months but I'm chicken to.. I can't run more than about three minutes as I type.. Second, I am going to get up at 530 am so can make more time to exercise.. Holy shit-- who is this girl typing this? I am happy beyond what I could ever express to another human being.. It just gets better and better.. Cheers to your own journey..
Tootles :)
Heather
Good Morning.. Interesting that I have discovered that I use my time more efficiently when I blog in the morning and edit when I get home.. I love discovery and stumbled over this little victory a few weeks ago when I blogged on a Monday morning by accident.. Now, enough with that and on to the meat and potatoes of what's knockin' around in my head today.. I have officially been bitten by the exercise bug.. I can't believe it has finally gotten around to finding me after all these years.. I thought it most likely would never happen.. I have to report how this is making me feel.. How breakthroughs truly are about persistence.. No time line is required.. It is about personal sweat equity of staying with a thought or dream until it happens..
I have never been an outdoorsy type person.. I have never been a sports person.. I have never been an exercise person.. I have always wished that I was all three of these.. I have dreamt many times over that this would be a natural thing within me that I would exercise multiple times a week and that I would miss it if I wasn't doing it.. That it would be incorporated into my daily/weekly routine the same as sleeping, eating, working, and breathing.. That I would enjoy the outdoors like I observed with other people.. It started with getting back into tennis (yoga actually but that is another blog).. Oh how I really love to play that game.. I have been playing a few times a week with a friend for the past month or so.. I also found a court with a backboard and I think more about that backboard than I do about men (OK.. almost as much) LOL.. I am beyond excited that I have found a way to participate in an activity that doesn't require having someone to play with me.. I'm ready for a part time job so I can play every day.. I am ready to pitch a tent beside the court so I can roll out of bed and play first thing in the morning.. How wonderful it is to feel that passionate about anything in life..
I have been thinking about getting a bike to lap around Hampton Park for a few weeks.. Can you believe that I just discovered that park existed only this past year? What can I say.. I hardly ever went on that side of the Crosstown and while I did go around the park a few times, I never looked beyond the trees before me.. Saturday I became the proud owner of "Virginia" my new hot pink mountain bike.. Those of you who know me personally can hear me say her name in my mock British accent Vir-GIN-ya LOL.. I can't believe that I am the proud owner of a bike.. I biked Six miles that day.. Three miles and took a breather.. Then three more.. Sunday I biked six miles before I took a break. Then four more.. Sixteen miles in two days and I lived not only to tell about it, but could walk the next day.. I almost peed my panties that I didn't need traction for a week :)~ So now I have yoga, acupuncture, tennis, and biking on my mind every day.. Who am I? If I wasn't watching myself grow I would have trouble recognizing myself.. How awesome is that?
So here is the bottom line of my thoughts about making changes, pursuing anything you are after, or wanting to add something into your life that at the present moment doesn't exist no matter how small or large.. I read alot of books and so many of them are spot on but this is where I think most fall short of the real message.. There IS no time frame of when you can mark down an attempt as a failure or success for that matter.. When you want something bad enough you will find a way.. When it is a personal success you'll know it and all the failures will no longer matter.. You are working on it even when you make no physical steps towards you goal.. Half the battle is to get it into your head and think about it over and over.. As long as what ever you are after is in your soul you will find a way.. It might take one week.. It might take three months or Six.. It might take a year or more.. Just no matter what, keep at it in your mind and it will find a way to manifest itself in your life.. I can't stress that enough.. Forget about the calendar.. Just keep the object of your desire in your minds eye and be patient.. Make every baby step you can.. Bigger ones will come along the way.. It will happen if you stick with it I promise..
I am to the point of two awesome decisions that I never thought I would hear come out of my mouth.. First I want to run a 5K within the next year.. I want to say six months but I'm chicken to.. I can't run more than about three minutes as I type.. Second, I am going to get up at 530 am so can make more time to exercise.. Holy shit-- who is this girl typing this? I am happy beyond what I could ever express to another human being.. It just gets better and better.. Cheers to your own journey..
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, July 1, 2013
My Vacation Report
Greetings and Salutations
Hope your weekend was fantastic.. I just got back from a 7 day vacation.. I would have loved to report to you that it rocked, but it actually fell alittle short and missed the mark.. It feels much like when you have a meal that was good but "didn't quite hit the spot".. The image I had in my head of what I needed unfortunately never came into focused fruition..
I do feel rested and have to say it was nice to wake up every morning at 0900.. It was great to get out of town.. I read 600 pages out of my book.. I enjoyed hanging out with my friend that was able to come for most of the days I was there.. It just lacked the visual beauty and the "some something" that I was in need of.. It has been more than five years since I have been off the continental US and on a vacation that I have planned.. I want the vacations of my travel days to meet the woman I am today.. Now THAT will be a holiday I can't wait to have.. Maybe getting off the road also got me out of the mindset and zone I was in when I traveled.. After all aren't all things a matter of habits? The habit to never go on vacation and the habit to vacation often? The lessons I learned from this near hit of a vacation are several and I will carry them forward to the next one that I am already mentally planning..
What are some of those lessons? I was ready to get out of the country.. I should have listened to myself.. I still had cellphone coverage (first sign you didn't get far enough away), I didn't need to exchange my money, and I could easily speak English.. Oh yeah, and perhaps the most important thing is that I never needed my passport.. Doesn't get any more disappointing than that.. Absolutely no disrespect to Puerto Rico, but it just wasn't the place for me.. I knew this intuitively yet I chose to ignore it.. My need to get away over-road my ability to put off the trip and save more money to have more distant destination choices.. I need to learn to truly trust my instincts when it comes to places I am interested in visiting.. I know myself better than I think I do sometimes..
While I don't think of myself as a hotel snot, apparently as you get older (for me) I am requiring a level of sophistication that I have never desired until now.. I am talking about hotel land somewhere between The Four Seasons and Motel Six.. I like fluffy bedding and a room that has great karma and a happy vibe... I love a garden tub that I can "swim" in atleast daily.. One of my favorite ways to relax is in a nice hot, deep, bubble bath.. In the dark surrounded with candles, my favorite music, and a glass of wine in my hand..
I need to have a beautiful view out of my window with a balcony.. Mountains covered in trees serving as a backdrop to beautiful blue waters or in a bustling city with people moving about in their daily lives while I observe a moment in time I am taking a break from.. I want to perch in a comfee chair on that balcony while sipping morning coffee or an evening cocktail while being enveloped with sights and sounds my environment.. To soak up my surroundings like a piece of bread and let the moments infuse into my bones and soul.. Feel the warm breeze on my skin and through my hair.. You know, where you close your eyes and feel the moment caress you.. For me, I guess the surroundings of where I live, even temporarily, have a deeper impact on me then I have ever recognized.. This is a new lesson I have learned about myself that I must incorporate into my vacations and never deny myself from a wonderful hotel in the perfect location ever again..
I want a body massage in a cabana on the beach by a really hot masseuse.. I want to do yoga on the beach at sunrise and sunset.. I want someone to personally show me the sights and cool places without only being in a group.. I want to hangout in a really cool bar with a warm ambiance and meet awesome local people that make me laugh and feel special to have crossed paths with them.. I want to incorporate those experiences into my soul when I feel gratitude and awe that I am living that moment.. I want to go to bed early and wake up early.. I want to take in the local music scene.. I want to feel every endorphin in my body as I am wrapped in the moment and never want it to stop.. See every sunrise and sunset..
So at the end of the day did my vacation suck? It wasn't all bad.. I will use my fresh experience to move forward and plan a vacation that suits who I have become today.. I feel focused and have my eye on the ball of my life that I am making for myself.. Loose ends are coming together and I am obtaining new stride with the rhythm of my life.. Focus--that is the best gift this vacation could give me.. Knowing that I will have another chance to get it right on my next holiday makes my current reflection "all good in the hood" so to speak.. My ultimate goal would be to share it with someone special.. Funny, what if I planned a couples vacation and found someone along the way? Maybe planning one alone keeps it that way.. Then I could blog about all the places I would like to have sex...oh wait...that would be a different kind of blog
Tootles :)
Heather
Hope your weekend was fantastic.. I just got back from a 7 day vacation.. I would have loved to report to you that it rocked, but it actually fell alittle short and missed the mark.. It feels much like when you have a meal that was good but "didn't quite hit the spot".. The image I had in my head of what I needed unfortunately never came into focused fruition..
I do feel rested and have to say it was nice to wake up every morning at 0900.. It was great to get out of town.. I read 600 pages out of my book.. I enjoyed hanging out with my friend that was able to come for most of the days I was there.. It just lacked the visual beauty and the "some something" that I was in need of.. It has been more than five years since I have been off the continental US and on a vacation that I have planned.. I want the vacations of my travel days to meet the woman I am today.. Now THAT will be a holiday I can't wait to have.. Maybe getting off the road also got me out of the mindset and zone I was in when I traveled.. After all aren't all things a matter of habits? The habit to never go on vacation and the habit to vacation often? The lessons I learned from this near hit of a vacation are several and I will carry them forward to the next one that I am already mentally planning..
What are some of those lessons? I was ready to get out of the country.. I should have listened to myself.. I still had cellphone coverage (first sign you didn't get far enough away), I didn't need to exchange my money, and I could easily speak English.. Oh yeah, and perhaps the most important thing is that I never needed my passport.. Doesn't get any more disappointing than that.. Absolutely no disrespect to Puerto Rico, but it just wasn't the place for me.. I knew this intuitively yet I chose to ignore it.. My need to get away over-road my ability to put off the trip and save more money to have more distant destination choices.. I need to learn to truly trust my instincts when it comes to places I am interested in visiting.. I know myself better than I think I do sometimes..
While I don't think of myself as a hotel snot, apparently as you get older (for me) I am requiring a level of sophistication that I have never desired until now.. I am talking about hotel land somewhere between The Four Seasons and Motel Six.. I like fluffy bedding and a room that has great karma and a happy vibe... I love a garden tub that I can "swim" in atleast daily.. One of my favorite ways to relax is in a nice hot, deep, bubble bath.. In the dark surrounded with candles, my favorite music, and a glass of wine in my hand..
I need to have a beautiful view out of my window with a balcony.. Mountains covered in trees serving as a backdrop to beautiful blue waters or in a bustling city with people moving about in their daily lives while I observe a moment in time I am taking a break from.. I want to perch in a comfee chair on that balcony while sipping morning coffee or an evening cocktail while being enveloped with sights and sounds my environment.. To soak up my surroundings like a piece of bread and let the moments infuse into my bones and soul.. Feel the warm breeze on my skin and through my hair.. You know, where you close your eyes and feel the moment caress you.. For me, I guess the surroundings of where I live, even temporarily, have a deeper impact on me then I have ever recognized.. This is a new lesson I have learned about myself that I must incorporate into my vacations and never deny myself from a wonderful hotel in the perfect location ever again..
I want a body massage in a cabana on the beach by a really hot masseuse.. I want to do yoga on the beach at sunrise and sunset.. I want someone to personally show me the sights and cool places without only being in a group.. I want to hangout in a really cool bar with a warm ambiance and meet awesome local people that make me laugh and feel special to have crossed paths with them.. I want to incorporate those experiences into my soul when I feel gratitude and awe that I am living that moment.. I want to go to bed early and wake up early.. I want to take in the local music scene.. I want to feel every endorphin in my body as I am wrapped in the moment and never want it to stop.. See every sunrise and sunset..
So at the end of the day did my vacation suck? It wasn't all bad.. I will use my fresh experience to move forward and plan a vacation that suits who I have become today.. I feel focused and have my eye on the ball of my life that I am making for myself.. Loose ends are coming together and I am obtaining new stride with the rhythm of my life.. Focus--that is the best gift this vacation could give me.. Knowing that I will have another chance to get it right on my next holiday makes my current reflection "all good in the hood" so to speak.. My ultimate goal would be to share it with someone special.. Funny, what if I planned a couples vacation and found someone along the way? Maybe planning one alone keeps it that way.. Then I could blog about all the places I would like to have sex...oh wait...that would be a different kind of blog
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, June 17, 2013
Secondary Gains Add To Your Success
Greetings and Salutations
Hope this finds you well as always.. Tonight I was thinking about how to inspire yourself and how action(s) that you take can do that.. When you are looking to do something different, change something, or improve upon something you must of course first being to think of what needs to different, changed, or improved.. Spend some time thinking about this.. A well thought out plan is an organized and linear approach to devise the action that you need to make things happen.. This plan is shifting in both length and scope in direct relationship to what you get accomplished and what either gets a check mark, addition, or strike on the list.. A plan must be flexible in order to keep you moving in a forward direction.. You have thought about it, lamented about it, prayed about it, and written it down a million times.. There comes a point when you begin your journey and figure it out as you progress down the path of your life.. When it moves from paper to reality..
Let me give you some examples of that I am talking about.. Out of my need to do more social things I joined few Meet-Up groups last year.. The one I have really stuck with is a cooking class.. Without making a dissertation of what this class really is, the most important thing is the by-product of this class.. It got me back in the kitchen.. Last year when I started participating in this group I was on cooking strike that had lasted six months (or more).. From there I bridged the gap of wanting to make lunches for the work week in my head to actually making it happen.. When I go to these classes it reinforces my presence in the kitchen and renews my commitment to cook my meals on a consistent basis (ie for the work week, not when being social).. It gives me new ideas to try out.. It INSPIRES me to be in the kitchen in general.. To associate fun with that activity if for nothing else to be creative in the kitchen.. When I help create food in her kitchen I would normally shy away from (but love) to try myself, it gives me confidence to remember I have already done it once, so there for I am more likely to try again.. It works.. I love cooking so much better.. I am getting around not wanting to cook just for myself by cooking the meals for the week (for dinner).. This is my current project: Make dinners when I make work lunches on Sundays..
Here is another example.. I am reading a book about time management.. Now to be completely transparent this book kinda frustrates me, here again is the cliff notes version, because I have to constantly read between the lines.. I have to translate the ideas into my world.. Figure out how I can make it work for me in my life.... I don't work for myself or from home.. I don't have a husband and kids (the main two perspectives of this great book).. The thing that has kept me reading is that this chick is spot on about how she sees time.. I am really starting to get a handle on managing my time sooo much better.. It is difficult to put into words.. Its really super cool.. Makes me want to write a book one day about time management from the perspective of single, in your forty's and no kids without having to read between the lines.. I am looking at time in smaller blocks instead of a continuous stream.. For instance I dedicate "X" amount of time to doing something: cleaning, reading, writing Thank You notes, yard work, etc.. When that time is up I then move to the next task to be done.. I repeat this until I have accomplished my goal.. More often than not, setting an allotted amount of time and sticking to it amazingly gets the job done the first time around..
Thinking about time and how I want to spend it lead me to cancel my cable.. I have no idea where you are on the continuum of TV watching but, while I don't watch much on TV what I do too frequently sucks me in.. I waste too much time if it is anything more than about four hours a week watching anything (including an average weekend) and usually it is.. Funny truth is that not having cable has never occurred to me as an option.. Until now.. I traded TV money for a monthly massage membership.. Not a dime (extra) comes out of my budget from what I have been spending already.. After thinking about it for about 2 . 2 nanoseconds massage trumps TV any day of the week..
I hope you see the over all point I am making with my living examples.. On my chalkboard in my kitchen the current message is "Never stop improving.. Think quality of life, always".. Develop a list and decide what you want out of your life.. Be open and look for the secondary gain in all things.. Especially the ones that you think won't make a contribution to your cause.. Often, its those that can inspire you the most.. Don't forget your primary goal is to get your life headed in a forward direction.. Now get your badonkadonk and get moving..
Tootles :)
Heather
Hope this finds you well as always.. Tonight I was thinking about how to inspire yourself and how action(s) that you take can do that.. When you are looking to do something different, change something, or improve upon something you must of course first being to think of what needs to different, changed, or improved.. Spend some time thinking about this.. A well thought out plan is an organized and linear approach to devise the action that you need to make things happen.. This plan is shifting in both length and scope in direct relationship to what you get accomplished and what either gets a check mark, addition, or strike on the list.. A plan must be flexible in order to keep you moving in a forward direction.. You have thought about it, lamented about it, prayed about it, and written it down a million times.. There comes a point when you begin your journey and figure it out as you progress down the path of your life.. When it moves from paper to reality..
Let me give you some examples of that I am talking about.. Out of my need to do more social things I joined few Meet-Up groups last year.. The one I have really stuck with is a cooking class.. Without making a dissertation of what this class really is, the most important thing is the by-product of this class.. It got me back in the kitchen.. Last year when I started participating in this group I was on cooking strike that had lasted six months (or more).. From there I bridged the gap of wanting to make lunches for the work week in my head to actually making it happen.. When I go to these classes it reinforces my presence in the kitchen and renews my commitment to cook my meals on a consistent basis (ie for the work week, not when being social).. It gives me new ideas to try out.. It INSPIRES me to be in the kitchen in general.. To associate fun with that activity if for nothing else to be creative in the kitchen.. When I help create food in her kitchen I would normally shy away from (but love) to try myself, it gives me confidence to remember I have already done it once, so there for I am more likely to try again.. It works.. I love cooking so much better.. I am getting around not wanting to cook just for myself by cooking the meals for the week (for dinner).. This is my current project: Make dinners when I make work lunches on Sundays..
Here is another example.. I am reading a book about time management.. Now to be completely transparent this book kinda frustrates me, here again is the cliff notes version, because I have to constantly read between the lines.. I have to translate the ideas into my world.. Figure out how I can make it work for me in my life.... I don't work for myself or from home.. I don't have a husband and kids (the main two perspectives of this great book).. The thing that has kept me reading is that this chick is spot on about how she sees time.. I am really starting to get a handle on managing my time sooo much better.. It is difficult to put into words.. Its really super cool.. Makes me want to write a book one day about time management from the perspective of single, in your forty's and no kids without having to read between the lines.. I am looking at time in smaller blocks instead of a continuous stream.. For instance I dedicate "X" amount of time to doing something: cleaning, reading, writing Thank You notes, yard work, etc.. When that time is up I then move to the next task to be done.. I repeat this until I have accomplished my goal.. More often than not, setting an allotted amount of time and sticking to it amazingly gets the job done the first time around..
Thinking about time and how I want to spend it lead me to cancel my cable.. I have no idea where you are on the continuum of TV watching but, while I don't watch much on TV what I do too frequently sucks me in.. I waste too much time if it is anything more than about four hours a week watching anything (including an average weekend) and usually it is.. Funny truth is that not having cable has never occurred to me as an option.. Until now.. I traded TV money for a monthly massage membership.. Not a dime (extra) comes out of my budget from what I have been spending already.. After thinking about it for about 2 . 2 nanoseconds massage trumps TV any day of the week..
I hope you see the over all point I am making with my living examples.. On my chalkboard in my kitchen the current message is "Never stop improving.. Think quality of life, always".. Develop a list and decide what you want out of your life.. Be open and look for the secondary gain in all things.. Especially the ones that you think won't make a contribution to your cause.. Often, its those that can inspire you the most.. Don't forget your primary goal is to get your life headed in a forward direction.. Now get your badonkadonk and get moving..
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, June 10, 2013
The Best Has Yet To Come....Right?
Greetings and Salutations
Tonight I was pulling into my driveway when a song came on the radio that I don't think I have heard in about forever.. You know the kind, the ones you haven't heard in years yet you immediately know all the words and can remember what you were doing when you heard it last.. The tune has left me as the music I am currently listening to fills my head but I can tell you I know exactly what I was doing the last time I heard it.. I was about sixteen or seventeen and I was slow dancing with some dude.. I can remember back then I didn't know what the world had in store for me but I was filled with potential.. Filled with all the possibilities the way you are when you are in your late teens and feel that the world is an endless place of opportunity.. You hadn't had much time to screw up your life if you were lucky and I was.. I had managed to stave off teen pregnancy and drugs to name a few.. I knew I was going to attend college.. I knew I was going to be a nurse.. I remember how attention from a guy made me feel nervous.. I can picture myself as if it was yesterday yet I remain now as I was then speechless as to describe what I was feeling inside.. I do know now the thought that never dawned on me during that time in my life.. That what I wanted and what reality would be for me were two very distinct points that would for the next twenty-six years not always be one in the same..
What is the task of your forties? I don't mean Erickson's teachings.. I mean without looking it up in a book what is the task at hand? When I was in my late teens and early twenty's it never occurred to me that there was a difference between what I wanted and what I would have.. That is an interesting truth to admit to myself.. I followed along.. I graduated from high school.. I went to college.. I graduated with a degree and career.. I got married.. Then what? I got divorced.. Then what? I stuck around Charleston for a few years working.. Then I traveled for ten years.. I played.. I traveled.. I partied.. Then what? I met the guy I honestly believed what the "one".. I came home.. Five years and lots of tears later he is one of my best friends, but I am back to the drawing board.. In my forties I find myself compelled to be the best I can be.. To make those choices that some make earlier in life and others have still yet to figure out.. Decisions that I didn't or haven't made until now for myself.. I am trying to make better choices with my time, friends, potential lovers, job, and effort in life..
I was talking to a friend this morning and she was telling me about how old she felt physically.. It isn't as much the actual words she was saying.. It was the message I heard underneath the words.. "I'm forty-eight and I'm old".. The other day I saw Maya Angelou on Oprah and she was talking about how with each decade it gets better and better from thirties, forties, fifties etc.. She said the seventies and eighties rock and put the other years to shame.. So how do I figure out how to fight the feeling that I can't get to where I want to be? That I am not past my "prime" if the best has yet to come? I know for sure I'll continue to travel in a forward direction because while I am trying to figure it all out time will pass anyway.. Might as well keep making efforts to improve the quality of my life.. And I guess that IS the thing I am striving for.. Not just better choices in life but to change the quality of my life..
Maybe if I keep my head in the space that everything I am doing contributes to that quality I can get over the hump.. I can accept that when you go from floating along in life and making the best of what comes your way is completely different then CREATING a life that is full of quality.. That the latter takes lots and lots of work, dedication, and patience for the payoff.. Maybe this is the task of your forties.. Quality in life and everything that you choose to fill it with.. How you choose to face those things that you may not have either had a choice in or happened as a direct result of poor thought processes at the time..
I will plugging along and choose to believe that my future is bright with possibilities and that I feel blessed when I help other people, including myself, though being a nurse or writing a blog.. I will continue to follow this path and enjoy the journey along the way.. All things truly are possible and if you get bored or give up and close your eyes that is when you will miss your turn to your destiny.. I don't know about you but I would rather stay awake and not miss the turn in the first place.. I get the phrase 'the journey is the destination' and I totally believe in it.. I don't want to rush it but at the same time I can't help to feel "am I there yet?"
Tootles :)
Heather
Tonight I was pulling into my driveway when a song came on the radio that I don't think I have heard in about forever.. You know the kind, the ones you haven't heard in years yet you immediately know all the words and can remember what you were doing when you heard it last.. The tune has left me as the music I am currently listening to fills my head but I can tell you I know exactly what I was doing the last time I heard it.. I was about sixteen or seventeen and I was slow dancing with some dude.. I can remember back then I didn't know what the world had in store for me but I was filled with potential.. Filled with all the possibilities the way you are when you are in your late teens and feel that the world is an endless place of opportunity.. You hadn't had much time to screw up your life if you were lucky and I was.. I had managed to stave off teen pregnancy and drugs to name a few.. I knew I was going to attend college.. I knew I was going to be a nurse.. I remember how attention from a guy made me feel nervous.. I can picture myself as if it was yesterday yet I remain now as I was then speechless as to describe what I was feeling inside.. I do know now the thought that never dawned on me during that time in my life.. That what I wanted and what reality would be for me were two very distinct points that would for the next twenty-six years not always be one in the same..
What is the task of your forties? I don't mean Erickson's teachings.. I mean without looking it up in a book what is the task at hand? When I was in my late teens and early twenty's it never occurred to me that there was a difference between what I wanted and what I would have.. That is an interesting truth to admit to myself.. I followed along.. I graduated from high school.. I went to college.. I graduated with a degree and career.. I got married.. Then what? I got divorced.. Then what? I stuck around Charleston for a few years working.. Then I traveled for ten years.. I played.. I traveled.. I partied.. Then what? I met the guy I honestly believed what the "one".. I came home.. Five years and lots of tears later he is one of my best friends, but I am back to the drawing board.. In my forties I find myself compelled to be the best I can be.. To make those choices that some make earlier in life and others have still yet to figure out.. Decisions that I didn't or haven't made until now for myself.. I am trying to make better choices with my time, friends, potential lovers, job, and effort in life..
I was talking to a friend this morning and she was telling me about how old she felt physically.. It isn't as much the actual words she was saying.. It was the message I heard underneath the words.. "I'm forty-eight and I'm old".. The other day I saw Maya Angelou on Oprah and she was talking about how with each decade it gets better and better from thirties, forties, fifties etc.. She said the seventies and eighties rock and put the other years to shame.. So how do I figure out how to fight the feeling that I can't get to where I want to be? That I am not past my "prime" if the best has yet to come? I know for sure I'll continue to travel in a forward direction because while I am trying to figure it all out time will pass anyway.. Might as well keep making efforts to improve the quality of my life.. And I guess that IS the thing I am striving for.. Not just better choices in life but to change the quality of my life..
Maybe if I keep my head in the space that everything I am doing contributes to that quality I can get over the hump.. I can accept that when you go from floating along in life and making the best of what comes your way is completely different then CREATING a life that is full of quality.. That the latter takes lots and lots of work, dedication, and patience for the payoff.. Maybe this is the task of your forties.. Quality in life and everything that you choose to fill it with.. How you choose to face those things that you may not have either had a choice in or happened as a direct result of poor thought processes at the time..
I will plugging along and choose to believe that my future is bright with possibilities and that I feel blessed when I help other people, including myself, though being a nurse or writing a blog.. I will continue to follow this path and enjoy the journey along the way.. All things truly are possible and if you get bored or give up and close your eyes that is when you will miss your turn to your destiny.. I don't know about you but I would rather stay awake and not miss the turn in the first place.. I get the phrase 'the journey is the destination' and I totally believe in it.. I don't want to rush it but at the same time I can't help to feel "am I there yet?"
Tootles :)
Heather
Sunday, June 2, 2013
I think I Can... I Think I Can...
Greetings and Salutations
So today I thought that I would share the successes of my week.. Seems like a good follow up from last week's blog.. The following thoughts of course contribute to why I believe it is advantageous to have a positive belief system.. When the good stuff hits you can enjoy it on a level of pleasure you never thought possible.. And I am not talking about moving heaven and stars.. I am talking about that little stuff that I am always speaking of.. That little stuff that always adds up and together helps reshape your world into something wonderful if you allow it to..
So what did I get right? I have kept the house more picked up.. Still a work in progress but I am acutely aware of the goal I am after.. Keep picked up so I can have my weekends to myself and do something other than clean like the step child from Cinderella.. I feel like I am on a good path with that.. Funny how the little things can trip you up.. I went though my junk drawer with paperwork that gives me nightmares every time I open it (which is often) It is something I have been putting off for quite some time and now it is done.. I reorganized my current stack of "things to do" so that it would increase the odds that it would actually get done.. So far so good.. The pile looks better and is more manageable..
I think I have found my optimal sleep number.. It is eight hours for sure and the sweet spot is eight hours and fifteen minutes.. I can't begin to tell you that the foundation to any real accomplishment (s) begin (s) with good, sound, consistent sleep.. Sleep deprivation is insidious and should be taken very seriously.. Adequate sleep is the tone that all things forward are framed by in your life.. Patience, mood, health, and overall outlook about life to name a few.. Funny thing is it is a catch twenty-two.. You really don't believe in it until you have done it enough to make it a habit and see past your doubt.. Doubt is a strong foe.. It can undermined any attempt(s) at changing (bad) behavior.. Doubt is a mirage and saboteur of real progress.. I guess it is like all other things in life.. You have to live it to believe it..
I read this weekend again Saturday and Sunday for about an hour before getting out of bed.. I have mentioned this before but it is worth mentioning again.. It's decadent.. It is such a peaceful way to start your day.. Try it and tell me what you think. . As with most new behaviors, it may take a time or two to really feel it.. Maybe you won't.. But it is such a treat.. It is a gift I would love to give you all.. Reading before you get out of bed makes it worth it to wake up early.. It is giving to yourself and reaping the reward silently as you read your favorite book.. Time is precious and when you give yourself the gift of taking time out for you, only then do you really relish it..
I started my long list of "Thanks You" notes I have been needing to send out.. It has been difficult to get into the right zone to make that happen.. It felt great to get the ones done that I have.. Still have more to go but I am further ahead then I was five notes ago.. I called one of my Mom's friends to see if she wants some of her clothes.. That has been on my list for two weeks.. It is funny.. I never hung out much with my Mom's friends before, but now that she is gone, I feel closer to her through her friends..
Today I ran out the pool table (meaning that my opponent never had an opportunity to shoot during the game).. I broke the rack and it was a b-e-a-utiful break and sank a ball.. I then proceeded to make every shot.. All the way to the eight ball.. Now I gotta tell you and those that play pool understand.. It was AMAZING.. I haven't played in something close to a year.. Months and I can leave it at that.. I have NEVER ran the table before.. Two shots including the eight ball were very difficult.. One of the two was a combo..
Why am a sharing an AWESOME pool story with you other than I am a really cheap date to be so very excited about this feat? I could see every shot before I made it.. I was in a zone.. I could feel it and I had no doubt I was going to make it.. I want you and I to figure out how to replicate this in other areas of our lives.. Imagine what you can accomplish with such clarity.. Such vision.. It was truly a remarkable feeling.. It wasn't about killin' it on the table.. It was about a personal best and how that felt.. How much in the moment I was and nothing else mattered.. I will learn how to replicate that again and again in my life in other areas.. Just as I have done with smoking.. I just did it..
This weekend has finally culminated into a beginning of a sense of accomplishment for some of the hard work I have been putting in.. It is progress from last week.. I feel progress towards some base goals that I don't feel I can or should more forward (with the others on the list) until the basic goals are a habit.. A dear friend pointed out this weekend was a very social one and she is right.. That is the place I want to delegate a fair amount of my time..
Speaking of time delegation I bought this really cool App "Eternity" for my IPOD.. I am tracking all areas of my time and where I spend it.. Commute to and from work, my blog (will have to estimate this time-- I forgot to start the timer), cooking, cleaning, talking on the phone, computer time, TV time, any catagory you chose to monitor.. You can track more than one event at a time if you are multi-tasking.. It is such a cool tool.. How can you decide where you want to spend your time more diligently if you have no idea where it goes.. Where you actually spend it, not where you imagine you spend it and how much.. I am currently reading a book (of course) "168 Hours You Have More Time Than You Think" by Laura Vanderkam and it is changing the way I see my time and how I choose to spend it..
The final act to kick off a great and stellar week is that for about a month now I have wanted to manage my time well enough to blog on Sunday and prepare lunch for the week.. Guess what-- I just did.. Have a fantastic week.. Set a goal and go after it.. Write to me about your success.. Even if you don't accomplish it, take the steps to try and tell me about how close you came.. Helpfulbee@gmail.com
Tootles :)
Heather
So today I thought that I would share the successes of my week.. Seems like a good follow up from last week's blog.. The following thoughts of course contribute to why I believe it is advantageous to have a positive belief system.. When the good stuff hits you can enjoy it on a level of pleasure you never thought possible.. And I am not talking about moving heaven and stars.. I am talking about that little stuff that I am always speaking of.. That little stuff that always adds up and together helps reshape your world into something wonderful if you allow it to..
So what did I get right? I have kept the house more picked up.. Still a work in progress but I am acutely aware of the goal I am after.. Keep picked up so I can have my weekends to myself and do something other than clean like the step child from Cinderella.. I feel like I am on a good path with that.. Funny how the little things can trip you up.. I went though my junk drawer with paperwork that gives me nightmares every time I open it (which is often) It is something I have been putting off for quite some time and now it is done.. I reorganized my current stack of "things to do" so that it would increase the odds that it would actually get done.. So far so good.. The pile looks better and is more manageable..
I think I have found my optimal sleep number.. It is eight hours for sure and the sweet spot is eight hours and fifteen minutes.. I can't begin to tell you that the foundation to any real accomplishment (s) begin (s) with good, sound, consistent sleep.. Sleep deprivation is insidious and should be taken very seriously.. Adequate sleep is the tone that all things forward are framed by in your life.. Patience, mood, health, and overall outlook about life to name a few.. Funny thing is it is a catch twenty-two.. You really don't believe in it until you have done it enough to make it a habit and see past your doubt.. Doubt is a strong foe.. It can undermined any attempt(s) at changing (bad) behavior.. Doubt is a mirage and saboteur of real progress.. I guess it is like all other things in life.. You have to live it to believe it..
I read this weekend again Saturday and Sunday for about an hour before getting out of bed.. I have mentioned this before but it is worth mentioning again.. It's decadent.. It is such a peaceful way to start your day.. Try it and tell me what you think. . As with most new behaviors, it may take a time or two to really feel it.. Maybe you won't.. But it is such a treat.. It is a gift I would love to give you all.. Reading before you get out of bed makes it worth it to wake up early.. It is giving to yourself and reaping the reward silently as you read your favorite book.. Time is precious and when you give yourself the gift of taking time out for you, only then do you really relish it..
I started my long list of "Thanks You" notes I have been needing to send out.. It has been difficult to get into the right zone to make that happen.. It felt great to get the ones done that I have.. Still have more to go but I am further ahead then I was five notes ago.. I called one of my Mom's friends to see if she wants some of her clothes.. That has been on my list for two weeks.. It is funny.. I never hung out much with my Mom's friends before, but now that she is gone, I feel closer to her through her friends..
Today I ran out the pool table (meaning that my opponent never had an opportunity to shoot during the game).. I broke the rack and it was a b-e-a-utiful break and sank a ball.. I then proceeded to make every shot.. All the way to the eight ball.. Now I gotta tell you and those that play pool understand.. It was AMAZING.. I haven't played in something close to a year.. Months and I can leave it at that.. I have NEVER ran the table before.. Two shots including the eight ball were very difficult.. One of the two was a combo..
Why am a sharing an AWESOME pool story with you other than I am a really cheap date to be so very excited about this feat? I could see every shot before I made it.. I was in a zone.. I could feel it and I had no doubt I was going to make it.. I want you and I to figure out how to replicate this in other areas of our lives.. Imagine what you can accomplish with such clarity.. Such vision.. It was truly a remarkable feeling.. It wasn't about killin' it on the table.. It was about a personal best and how that felt.. How much in the moment I was and nothing else mattered.. I will learn how to replicate that again and again in my life in other areas.. Just as I have done with smoking.. I just did it..
This weekend has finally culminated into a beginning of a sense of accomplishment for some of the hard work I have been putting in.. It is progress from last week.. I feel progress towards some base goals that I don't feel I can or should more forward (with the others on the list) until the basic goals are a habit.. A dear friend pointed out this weekend was a very social one and she is right.. That is the place I want to delegate a fair amount of my time..
Speaking of time delegation I bought this really cool App "Eternity" for my IPOD.. I am tracking all areas of my time and where I spend it.. Commute to and from work, my blog (will have to estimate this time-- I forgot to start the timer), cooking, cleaning, talking on the phone, computer time, TV time, any catagory you chose to monitor.. You can track more than one event at a time if you are multi-tasking.. It is such a cool tool.. How can you decide where you want to spend your time more diligently if you have no idea where it goes.. Where you actually spend it, not where you imagine you spend it and how much.. I am currently reading a book (of course) "168 Hours You Have More Time Than You Think" by Laura Vanderkam and it is changing the way I see my time and how I choose to spend it..
The final act to kick off a great and stellar week is that for about a month now I have wanted to manage my time well enough to blog on Sunday and prepare lunch for the week.. Guess what-- I just did.. Have a fantastic week.. Set a goal and go after it.. Write to me about your success.. Even if you don't accomplish it, take the steps to try and tell me about how close you came.. Helpfulbee@gmail.com
Tootles :)
Heather
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Can You Spot The Parasite? Hint--Its a Negative One
Greetings and Salutations
Tonight I want to share with you my perspective of how I see having a positive belief system can share many gifts with you, especially when you need it the most.. Fun times are easy.. Bad times can suck the life out of you if you haven't already laid the ground work for how to deal with them.. I want to express how even thought I am in a very difficult and dark time in my life, my attitude is working to make a difference within me..
There are so very many things that have gone to the way side for me since the illness and death of my mother.. I have forgotten how to spell the word budget.. I have spent money somewhat cautiously but without adding up the receipts.. While at times it was a challenge, I had to remind myself that my wallet had a bottom to it.. I was, however, able to comfort myself by purchasing things that made sense.. Things that I would have or activities I would do to have positive memories to mark the passing of my mother.. Wind chimes, countless trips (eight I think) to Hyam's for plants, a new dress for the services, and unpaid time off to grieve.. Dining out and meeting friends out for drinks when ever I wanted or needed to.. I am thankful that I had the money to afford myself the luxuries that I did.. It was hard work and discipline to have it in savings and accessible in the first place.. It is now time to reel it in, recover, and replace the money that I have spent.. To prepare for future needs that will undoubtedly come up.. It will take me time, but I will get back on track..
I have gained weight.. Not enough to need new clothes but I have to tell you enough to really make me uncomfortable in my own skin.. One too many pizza's that at the time I was grateful that I was in the mood to even eat. Its funny how when you are really depressed all you can handle or want is junk food unless I guess you are one of those lucky people who never learned to eat crappy food in the first place.. I feel like I have gained the little weight I had lost before and kept it off until now.. This will change.. I can't remain like I am for long.. I am just too uncomfortable.. I know intellectually that exercise helps depression and anxiety.. And I also know that it is next to impossible to get your ass out of bed or off the couch for any thing more than the bare necessities to function and survive when you are depressed or have no inspiration.. It came to me the other day maybe one of the keys to getting exercise off the list and onto the pavement is the window of weakened depression/lack of motivation.. I keep this in mind and will be waiting in my running shoes when the mental clouds clear and they will.. I have needed to loose weight long before I lost my mother.. I will get back on track..
I strive to keep the house clean during the week so I can stop wasting away my weekends feeling obligated to clean the house because my habits during the week are lacking.. I've gotta admit my achilles heel is picking up after myself.. I have friends and a social life that I have never had before.. In the past it was all about work.. When I was on, when I was off, when I was sleeping, when I was flipping over from nights back to days and days back to nights, and if I wasn't at the bar back then I was on my couch watching TV.. My life is more than that now.. So my habits must change with it and I was hard at work about that.. I will get back on track..
I had lots of personal goals (twenty-two total to be exact) I had set for myself and was hard at work to complete for each quarter of the year.. To say these have been on the back burner is a gross understatement.. So what is the point that I wanted to share with you about how far off base I am and what that has to do with a positive attitude? That no matter how discouraged I may get for the moment, I have hope.. It grows within me everyday.. Tomorrow is a chance to get it right again and I take every chance I am given even if I am unsuccessful.. One day I will get it right and move onto the next thing on my list.. I know dark and sad days will pass and I try to be patient for them to leave me.. This too shall pass right?
I haven't given up on my dreams.. I keep my chin up even if there are tears in my eyes and still plug away at my goals.. My strides in life for the moment are just smaller than before.. I am still moving forward and I am thankful that I am able to see the sliver lining in life.. I have prepared myself well and continue to reap the rewards of my insight into myself and the world around me.. I continue to be a student of life and always thankful I keep a sunny disposition while learning.. A negative belief system robs you of hope, faith, resilience, and happiness to name a few key ingredients that I believe make a life worth having and living.. You shouldn't have to always feel happiness to believe it is just around the corner.. Finally I can see negative thinking and all that comes with it as the parasite that it is.. Can you?
Tootles :)
Heather
Tonight I want to share with you my perspective of how I see having a positive belief system can share many gifts with you, especially when you need it the most.. Fun times are easy.. Bad times can suck the life out of you if you haven't already laid the ground work for how to deal with them.. I want to express how even thought I am in a very difficult and dark time in my life, my attitude is working to make a difference within me..
There are so very many things that have gone to the way side for me since the illness and death of my mother.. I have forgotten how to spell the word budget.. I have spent money somewhat cautiously but without adding up the receipts.. While at times it was a challenge, I had to remind myself that my wallet had a bottom to it.. I was, however, able to comfort myself by purchasing things that made sense.. Things that I would have or activities I would do to have positive memories to mark the passing of my mother.. Wind chimes, countless trips (eight I think) to Hyam's for plants, a new dress for the services, and unpaid time off to grieve.. Dining out and meeting friends out for drinks when ever I wanted or needed to.. I am thankful that I had the money to afford myself the luxuries that I did.. It was hard work and discipline to have it in savings and accessible in the first place.. It is now time to reel it in, recover, and replace the money that I have spent.. To prepare for future needs that will undoubtedly come up.. It will take me time, but I will get back on track..
I have gained weight.. Not enough to need new clothes but I have to tell you enough to really make me uncomfortable in my own skin.. One too many pizza's that at the time I was grateful that I was in the mood to even eat. Its funny how when you are really depressed all you can handle or want is junk food unless I guess you are one of those lucky people who never learned to eat crappy food in the first place.. I feel like I have gained the little weight I had lost before and kept it off until now.. This will change.. I can't remain like I am for long.. I am just too uncomfortable.. I know intellectually that exercise helps depression and anxiety.. And I also know that it is next to impossible to get your ass out of bed or off the couch for any thing more than the bare necessities to function and survive when you are depressed or have no inspiration.. It came to me the other day maybe one of the keys to getting exercise off the list and onto the pavement is the window of weakened depression/lack of motivation.. I keep this in mind and will be waiting in my running shoes when the mental clouds clear and they will.. I have needed to loose weight long before I lost my mother.. I will get back on track..
I strive to keep the house clean during the week so I can stop wasting away my weekends feeling obligated to clean the house because my habits during the week are lacking.. I've gotta admit my achilles heel is picking up after myself.. I have friends and a social life that I have never had before.. In the past it was all about work.. When I was on, when I was off, when I was sleeping, when I was flipping over from nights back to days and days back to nights, and if I wasn't at the bar back then I was on my couch watching TV.. My life is more than that now.. So my habits must change with it and I was hard at work about that.. I will get back on track..
I had lots of personal goals (twenty-two total to be exact) I had set for myself and was hard at work to complete for each quarter of the year.. To say these have been on the back burner is a gross understatement.. So what is the point that I wanted to share with you about how far off base I am and what that has to do with a positive attitude? That no matter how discouraged I may get for the moment, I have hope.. It grows within me everyday.. Tomorrow is a chance to get it right again and I take every chance I am given even if I am unsuccessful.. One day I will get it right and move onto the next thing on my list.. I know dark and sad days will pass and I try to be patient for them to leave me.. This too shall pass right?
I haven't given up on my dreams.. I keep my chin up even if there are tears in my eyes and still plug away at my goals.. My strides in life for the moment are just smaller than before.. I am still moving forward and I am thankful that I am able to see the sliver lining in life.. I have prepared myself well and continue to reap the rewards of my insight into myself and the world around me.. I continue to be a student of life and always thankful I keep a sunny disposition while learning.. A negative belief system robs you of hope, faith, resilience, and happiness to name a few key ingredients that I believe make a life worth having and living.. You shouldn't have to always feel happiness to believe it is just around the corner.. Finally I can see negative thinking and all that comes with it as the parasite that it is.. Can you?
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, May 20, 2013
Twenty Years Worth Of Reflection
Greetings and Salutations
Well tonight as I was thinking about my blog topic I came across several.. The one that I have settled on came about by thinking about all the habits that I am trying to improve upon in my life.. Laughing at myself that I wonder how many of these (bad) habits I could attribute to the fact that I lack two things in my life: a husband and kid (s).. What would these habits have been replaced with? This then leads me, as I have often, to ponder how different my life would have been with these two (or more) factors in it.. This month would have marked my twentieth wedding anniversary if I had not divorced in October of 1996.. I was twenty-six back then and had given my marriage all that I could after three years (together total of five) and made the conscious decision that the last thing I wanted to do was proceed with a marriage that just wasn't working.. Pick up a few kids along the way and get ten years down the road and then call it quits.. I wasn't interested in starting the whole process over again somewhere in my mid thirties.. I made a mistake getting married and decided it was time to be mature enough to admit it..
I think of my friends that are happily married (or dating for that matter) without kids.. They have someone to be accountable to.. Someone that will get on them if they hit the snooze too many times, are slobs, or are too selfish etc.. Someone to have to atleast consider what they want for dinner: in or out, chicken or beef, eat at six or seven.. They have to compromise as to what to watch on TV/movie and on and on.. Sometimes I think it is a great disservice to live alone.. You have noone to call you on your habits.. No one to keep you on your toes.. No one to make you want to keep your legs and pits shaved or put on makeup and look nice for.. I think that is one of the many things in life I crave.. Someone to be accountable to.. Someone that I would want to be accountable to..
Then I think of my friends with kids (married or not).. How those children have changed their lives.. I knew most of them before they had any.. All the self sacrifice that goes into raising a well adjusted child.. How a child makes you want to set a good example.. To be accountable to them.. Someone that is relying on you for dinner on the table at a predictable time.. Someone that looks to you for the answers in life.. Someone that looks to you to hold them or kiss a boo-boo and make it better.. Someone you help prepare for life by giving them the tools they need to become the best person they can and make a real difference in the world.. Where you can't sleep in on the weekends or say "I'll do that tomorrow" when someone is counting on you to do it today.. I wonder how different my life would be if I had acquired these things in my journey..
Please don't misunderstand me.. I am not speaking in absolutes or utopia.. I am just speaking to the flip side of my life and every now and again I wonder what it would have been like if I would have made different choices.. Maybe you wonder sometimes what your life would be like if you were single instead of married with kids for most or all of it? Sometimes I wonder where I would be now if I had not done travel nursing for ten years.. Would I have been re-married by now? What kind of wife or mother would I have made? Would I have great kids or entitled selfish brats? If I had stuck it out with my ex, would we have made it? Would I have been miserable and bitter by now? Would we be on an island somewhere celebrating twenty years of overall bliss or torture?
I have a friend that invited me over for breakfast the other morning.. What a blessing that was.. Everyone at the table.. Husband, wife, daughter, son (and me).. This is always a surreal experience for me when I get opportunities like this.. I felt like a fly on the wall.. In my life I have had very few times when I was at the family dinner table.. My parents divorced when I was nine.. Just the time I was about to have something real to contribute to the dinner time conversation it was the end of my parents marriage.. I think of how fortunate my friends are that still gather around a table with their children and have family time.. It makes me smile when I know they can't appreciate it from the outside looking in and I am apart of it..
Does it actually matter if my biggest problem in life is that there is no one to answer to if I sleep in on a Saturday morning vs the "at the moment" drama of a teenager? Maybe the point is that life is a constant process.. Live in the moment of where ever you are and work with what you have.. Always strive to be the best you can be.. Keep your mind and heart open and know that no matter what, life is in a constant state of change and what you have today you can lose tomorrow and what you don't have today you could gain tomorrow.. Maybe real life is a balance of those two processes moving towards each other at the same time and managing a comfortable spot in the middle..
Tootles :)
Heather
Well tonight as I was thinking about my blog topic I came across several.. The one that I have settled on came about by thinking about all the habits that I am trying to improve upon in my life.. Laughing at myself that I wonder how many of these (bad) habits I could attribute to the fact that I lack two things in my life: a husband and kid (s).. What would these habits have been replaced with? This then leads me, as I have often, to ponder how different my life would have been with these two (or more) factors in it.. This month would have marked my twentieth wedding anniversary if I had not divorced in October of 1996.. I was twenty-six back then and had given my marriage all that I could after three years (together total of five) and made the conscious decision that the last thing I wanted to do was proceed with a marriage that just wasn't working.. Pick up a few kids along the way and get ten years down the road and then call it quits.. I wasn't interested in starting the whole process over again somewhere in my mid thirties.. I made a mistake getting married and decided it was time to be mature enough to admit it..
I think of my friends that are happily married (or dating for that matter) without kids.. They have someone to be accountable to.. Someone that will get on them if they hit the snooze too many times, are slobs, or are too selfish etc.. Someone to have to atleast consider what they want for dinner: in or out, chicken or beef, eat at six or seven.. They have to compromise as to what to watch on TV/movie and on and on.. Sometimes I think it is a great disservice to live alone.. You have noone to call you on your habits.. No one to keep you on your toes.. No one to make you want to keep your legs and pits shaved or put on makeup and look nice for.. I think that is one of the many things in life I crave.. Someone to be accountable to.. Someone that I would want to be accountable to..
Then I think of my friends with kids (married or not).. How those children have changed their lives.. I knew most of them before they had any.. All the self sacrifice that goes into raising a well adjusted child.. How a child makes you want to set a good example.. To be accountable to them.. Someone that is relying on you for dinner on the table at a predictable time.. Someone that looks to you for the answers in life.. Someone that looks to you to hold them or kiss a boo-boo and make it better.. Someone you help prepare for life by giving them the tools they need to become the best person they can and make a real difference in the world.. Where you can't sleep in on the weekends or say "I'll do that tomorrow" when someone is counting on you to do it today.. I wonder how different my life would be if I had acquired these things in my journey..
Please don't misunderstand me.. I am not speaking in absolutes or utopia.. I am just speaking to the flip side of my life and every now and again I wonder what it would have been like if I would have made different choices.. Maybe you wonder sometimes what your life would be like if you were single instead of married with kids for most or all of it? Sometimes I wonder where I would be now if I had not done travel nursing for ten years.. Would I have been re-married by now? What kind of wife or mother would I have made? Would I have great kids or entitled selfish brats? If I had stuck it out with my ex, would we have made it? Would I have been miserable and bitter by now? Would we be on an island somewhere celebrating twenty years of overall bliss or torture?
I have a friend that invited me over for breakfast the other morning.. What a blessing that was.. Everyone at the table.. Husband, wife, daughter, son (and me).. This is always a surreal experience for me when I get opportunities like this.. I felt like a fly on the wall.. In my life I have had very few times when I was at the family dinner table.. My parents divorced when I was nine.. Just the time I was about to have something real to contribute to the dinner time conversation it was the end of my parents marriage.. I think of how fortunate my friends are that still gather around a table with their children and have family time.. It makes me smile when I know they can't appreciate it from the outside looking in and I am apart of it..
Does it actually matter if my biggest problem in life is that there is no one to answer to if I sleep in on a Saturday morning vs the "at the moment" drama of a teenager? Maybe the point is that life is a constant process.. Live in the moment of where ever you are and work with what you have.. Always strive to be the best you can be.. Keep your mind and heart open and know that no matter what, life is in a constant state of change and what you have today you can lose tomorrow and what you don't have today you could gain tomorrow.. Maybe real life is a balance of those two processes moving towards each other at the same time and managing a comfortable spot in the middle..
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, May 13, 2013
Thoughts Of the Future
Greetings and Salutations
Good evening.. Hope all is well.. I have to admit that I am alittle short on creativity tonight.. I do have alot of personal thoughts bouncing around in my noggin'.. Not sure that I have an overall message of anything more than the fact that I constantly wonder how I will ever get to the place that I see when I close my eyes and picture my life.. Don't get me wrong, I by no means am going to give up.. I will keep at it until I get it period.. Like many things in my life I will not give up until I get it right or decide that I no longer want it.. I find that the road is calling to me again and I refuse to go out as I did before: 12 hour nights in the ER (mostly) It will have to be very different this time and I am not sure what is in my head is achievable in the nurse travel world.. Then again I have never tried the more sane departments that are out there to work in..
I love the work life balance that I have obtained thus far in my life.. I am not even sure that travel nursing is what I want to do again.. I really love my life here.. I love my friends and I love being in my house with my things and Charleston in general.. Yet I can't see going through the next how ever many years with only 2 or 3 weeks off a year for vacation that you have to jocky for.. I have the desire to travel so strong in my blood ( and I don't mean to work) that I am not sure how to ignore it.. Somehow I have got to figure out a way to find a happy medium in my life of work and desire to travel the world..
I have no desire to work 12 hour shifts again.. I can no longer work nights because I #1 I flat out don't want to and #2 I can't sleep during the day any longer.. I learned that a few years ago.. I love having evenings off so I can take a class, meet up with friends, and know that any given evening I am off and available to do what ever I please.. I like it that my life no longer revolves around my job.. I love it that I have a regular schedule and only work 8 hours a day.. I understand that you have to pick your poisons so maybe that is what I am trying to sort out.. What poison to I want to pick? D-- none of the above :) I want my cake and eat it too.. I just have to figure out how to go about obtaining that.. It is on my mind 24/7.. Last night I dreamed I had to start taking call again.. That was a nightmare!! LOL
I have committed to making no decisions for atleast the next 6 months.. I am going to take a trip to somewhere I have never been in the next few months (weeks I hope) and I think this will help hold me over.. I need to let the events of the past month (+) sink in and get used to the idea that mom is gone.. Decide what direction I want to take my life next and formulate a plan.. I trust myself that I will know what to do when the time is right.. My inner voice hasn't let me down yet and I don't think it will start now.. I want to keep all options open and the right thing will happen if I keep my mind focused and open to all possibilities.. The last thing I need to do is go off half cocked about anything and make a mess out of the life I have worked so hard to achieve..
It is most difficult to hold back and wait.. While I have learned to enjoy delayed gratification, it is still a bit tricky to live in that space all the time.. We all want it yesterday and now.. I will continue to work hard at blogging, keeping my eyes and ears peeled for options while my heart heals.. I want to do the right thing and keep my best interest at heart.. I know taking a deep breath and letting the dust settle is the right thing to do.. I love it here and want to figure out how to have the best of both worlds. My dream today is split my time between San Francisco and Charleston peppered with LOTS of international travel.. I have a deep love of Charleston and can't really imagine my life without this address in the mix.. Wonder how I will make that happen? Its gonna be interesting if nothing else
Tootles :)
Heather
Good evening.. Hope all is well.. I have to admit that I am alittle short on creativity tonight.. I do have alot of personal thoughts bouncing around in my noggin'.. Not sure that I have an overall message of anything more than the fact that I constantly wonder how I will ever get to the place that I see when I close my eyes and picture my life.. Don't get me wrong, I by no means am going to give up.. I will keep at it until I get it period.. Like many things in my life I will not give up until I get it right or decide that I no longer want it.. I find that the road is calling to me again and I refuse to go out as I did before: 12 hour nights in the ER (mostly) It will have to be very different this time and I am not sure what is in my head is achievable in the nurse travel world.. Then again I have never tried the more sane departments that are out there to work in..
I love the work life balance that I have obtained thus far in my life.. I am not even sure that travel nursing is what I want to do again.. I really love my life here.. I love my friends and I love being in my house with my things and Charleston in general.. Yet I can't see going through the next how ever many years with only 2 or 3 weeks off a year for vacation that you have to jocky for.. I have the desire to travel so strong in my blood ( and I don't mean to work) that I am not sure how to ignore it.. Somehow I have got to figure out a way to find a happy medium in my life of work and desire to travel the world..
I have no desire to work 12 hour shifts again.. I can no longer work nights because I #1 I flat out don't want to and #2 I can't sleep during the day any longer.. I learned that a few years ago.. I love having evenings off so I can take a class, meet up with friends, and know that any given evening I am off and available to do what ever I please.. I like it that my life no longer revolves around my job.. I love it that I have a regular schedule and only work 8 hours a day.. I understand that you have to pick your poisons so maybe that is what I am trying to sort out.. What poison to I want to pick? D-- none of the above :) I want my cake and eat it too.. I just have to figure out how to go about obtaining that.. It is on my mind 24/7.. Last night I dreamed I had to start taking call again.. That was a nightmare!! LOL
I have committed to making no decisions for atleast the next 6 months.. I am going to take a trip to somewhere I have never been in the next few months (weeks I hope) and I think this will help hold me over.. I need to let the events of the past month (+) sink in and get used to the idea that mom is gone.. Decide what direction I want to take my life next and formulate a plan.. I trust myself that I will know what to do when the time is right.. My inner voice hasn't let me down yet and I don't think it will start now.. I want to keep all options open and the right thing will happen if I keep my mind focused and open to all possibilities.. The last thing I need to do is go off half cocked about anything and make a mess out of the life I have worked so hard to achieve..
It is most difficult to hold back and wait.. While I have learned to enjoy delayed gratification, it is still a bit tricky to live in that space all the time.. We all want it yesterday and now.. I will continue to work hard at blogging, keeping my eyes and ears peeled for options while my heart heals.. I want to do the right thing and keep my best interest at heart.. I know taking a deep breath and letting the dust settle is the right thing to do.. I love it here and want to figure out how to have the best of both worlds. My dream today is split my time between San Francisco and Charleston peppered with LOTS of international travel.. I have a deep love of Charleston and can't really imagine my life without this address in the mix.. Wonder how I will make that happen? Its gonna be interesting if nothing else
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, May 6, 2013
This Week's Homework Assignment
Greetings and Salutations
Hello and how are you? Today was my first day back after taking time for myself and I am happy to report that I took a deep breath and it was fine.. I got plenty of sleep and got up early.. Took my time and went in ready to let the day unfold as it was going to.. Had some great karma sent my way and while I felt as though I was working under water (it was kinda like TV slow-mo) I rate the experience as an A+ overall.. How grateful I am? More than I can express in words.. Still though, odd to not call mom on the way into work like I have every morning for 5 years and I still somewhat expect to see her any day now pop over to say she can help me in the yard or with some project around the house.. I am leaning hard on faith that this feeling will subside with time.. Saturday was terrible and I spent the entire day crying.. Felt like I digested another really big piece of the puzzle they call grief.. I have moved from the feeling of she is on vacation to knowing she is gone but my heart can't let my brain tell me where she really is.. The silence my step dad is living in must be deafening.. It is a challenge to go over to see him.. My mom is everywhere and it screws with my head.. I feel closer to her yet, it is painful at the same time..
I want to encourage you to read.. It is truly the pathway to your destiny.. Teach yourself where you want to take yourself.. Does that make sense? It sure does to me.. Its like going to school without the formal tests and grades.. Real life is the test and I truly believe that you are the one who holds all the answers.. The grade is when you are living the life you dream about and work hard to obtain it.. It is about your persistence.. It is about being real with yourself and trying to go after what you want every day.. Even if it is only 15 minutes at a time.. I practice one place I would like to go every week when I blog.. Through this process I have discovered that I really love to write.. I want to learn more about it so I can get better and quicker.. That requires reading.. I want to learn more and reinforce what I have learned about money.. That requires more reading.. I can remember thinking that once, just once, I wanted to know the name of an author mentioned anywhere.. I have done that many times now.. It makes me smile when I am reading a book that is unrelated and I come across not only an author I know, but have already read the book they are talking about.. Call me a dork (dork) but I love that!!
The getting started is the hardest part.. Once you get the momentum going of learning and teaching yourself about where you want to be and go it gets easier.. The books reinforce each other and it doesn't take long before you are reading and understand not only the concept they are talking about but you have watched it unfold in your own life.. I can blog about these things every Monday, but it isn't about my journey.. It is about yours.. You can't sit around doing the same things that don't put you closer to doing what you seek and hope it will just come to you.. Your journey will be different from mine.. Try things you never thought would work.. Next time you think the answer is no, ask.. Behave as if the answer is yes.. Challenge yourself this week to something.. Take steps to make it happen.. Write me.. Tell me what you planned and how it happened.. In the beginning, make it something simple.. Success is what you need to build on.. Let me know how it turned out.. Helpfulbee@gmail.com.. Here is to your success and many more!!
Tootles :)
Heather
Hello and how are you? Today was my first day back after taking time for myself and I am happy to report that I took a deep breath and it was fine.. I got plenty of sleep and got up early.. Took my time and went in ready to let the day unfold as it was going to.. Had some great karma sent my way and while I felt as though I was working under water (it was kinda like TV slow-mo) I rate the experience as an A+ overall.. How grateful I am? More than I can express in words.. Still though, odd to not call mom on the way into work like I have every morning for 5 years and I still somewhat expect to see her any day now pop over to say she can help me in the yard or with some project around the house.. I am leaning hard on faith that this feeling will subside with time.. Saturday was terrible and I spent the entire day crying.. Felt like I digested another really big piece of the puzzle they call grief.. I have moved from the feeling of she is on vacation to knowing she is gone but my heart can't let my brain tell me where she really is.. The silence my step dad is living in must be deafening.. It is a challenge to go over to see him.. My mom is everywhere and it screws with my head.. I feel closer to her yet, it is painful at the same time..
I want to encourage you to read.. It is truly the pathway to your destiny.. Teach yourself where you want to take yourself.. Does that make sense? It sure does to me.. Its like going to school without the formal tests and grades.. Real life is the test and I truly believe that you are the one who holds all the answers.. The grade is when you are living the life you dream about and work hard to obtain it.. It is about your persistence.. It is about being real with yourself and trying to go after what you want every day.. Even if it is only 15 minutes at a time.. I practice one place I would like to go every week when I blog.. Through this process I have discovered that I really love to write.. I want to learn more about it so I can get better and quicker.. That requires reading.. I want to learn more and reinforce what I have learned about money.. That requires more reading.. I can remember thinking that once, just once, I wanted to know the name of an author mentioned anywhere.. I have done that many times now.. It makes me smile when I am reading a book that is unrelated and I come across not only an author I know, but have already read the book they are talking about.. Call me a dork (dork) but I love that!!
The getting started is the hardest part.. Once you get the momentum going of learning and teaching yourself about where you want to be and go it gets easier.. The books reinforce each other and it doesn't take long before you are reading and understand not only the concept they are talking about but you have watched it unfold in your own life.. I can blog about these things every Monday, but it isn't about my journey.. It is about yours.. You can't sit around doing the same things that don't put you closer to doing what you seek and hope it will just come to you.. Your journey will be different from mine.. Try things you never thought would work.. Next time you think the answer is no, ask.. Behave as if the answer is yes.. Challenge yourself this week to something.. Take steps to make it happen.. Write me.. Tell me what you planned and how it happened.. In the beginning, make it something simple.. Success is what you need to build on.. Let me know how it turned out.. Helpfulbee@gmail.com.. Here is to your success and many more!!
Tootles :)
Heather
Monday, April 29, 2013
My Gifts To Myself
Greetings and Salutations,
I hope that things are progressing in your life as you dreamed or you are hard at work if you don't reside in the life that you want for yourself.. I am here this week in my life, putting back the pieces and moving forward after the loss of my mother.. Things are still a bit foggy for me in my heart and mind but I am taking this week (off) after her services to get my head put back on straight and move forward with my life as both of us would want.. I am blessed with the experiences that I have had and continue to have in the grieving process.. I have kept my mind and heart open and allowed things to unfold infront of me.. I could not of planned the smoothness in which each event has happened such as helping to plan the services, to shopping for my dress.. From the woman at the salon who fixed my hair for me and treated me with loving care to how time kindly slowed to never rush me or let me feel frazzled.. I was able to complete all the things I needed to do in order to prepare for her service.. I, along with my step dad and sister, spoke at her funeral.. My backyard deck looks like Hyam's Garden Center (well, almost) and I have had many moments of feeling my mom's presence while gardening..
I have spent the time during her illness and since her death quietly listening to my inner voice and taking care of myself.. I have wonderful friends that I owe a total debt of gratitude for checking in on me, letting me cry in their presence, both in person and on the phone, and crying with me.. My mom was a magical person and I have been approached by many people in businesses that she frequented and had them share with me what my mom meant to them.. I have great memories of my mom and have done things to remember the passing of my mother's life with happiness and joy, not just sorrow..
I bought a windchime today after carefully parousing for the one that would "speak to me".. I finally found it after a week and every time I hear it from this day forward it will make me smile and think of my mom.. In my mind it will be her talking to me and looking over my life.. Reminding me that she is never far away and that one day, not a moment before it is my time, I will see her again.. Those of you who know me personally know that I love classical music.. I had to chose only 25 minutes of what would represent my mom through music for the seating portion of the services.. It was a challenge until I closed my eyes and let the decision come from my heart.. I want to share the list with you.. Canon in D --Pachelbel (Sally Harmon version) //Windmills of My Mind (Sally Harmon version) All I Ask of You (Sally Harmon version Phantom of The Opera)// Music of The Night (Sally Harmon version Phantom of The Opera)//The Arrival of A Friend (Sally Harmon)// Joie de Vivre (Sally Harmon)//Killing Me Softly (Roberta Flack--a super fav of moms)// You Raise Me Up (Josh Groban).. Check it out and hope you enjoy it..
I encourage each and everyone of you to find yourselves.. Find out who you are.. How to confort yourself in times when you are sad, life is screwing with you, or grief stricken.. Begin the journey of self actualization so that your life can be abundant with joy even in times of sorrow.. Bad times befall us all and I can't imagine what this would have begun to feel like if I hadn't started that journey a few years ago, but in earnest last May.. I have been able to cope with this most difficult time in my life by knowing myself and what I needed to heal intuitively.. I took time off from work because everyone I know that has had a death of a loved one and did not allow themselves to process it and grieve has paid for it dearly.. The road to recovery has been long for them and I want more for myself.. Pay now or pay later.. I chose to take time now so that the cost is minimal..
I choose to practice healthy habits to deal with the pain and sadness such as acupuncture, yoga, music, and being social with my friends.. I have drank very little alcohol to my amazement actually.. I haven't started to smoke again (really can't believe that one) and I am plotting what I need to do to take my life to the next level of my dreams and desires.. I will look back on all of this as positive as possible.. To build on this for my future and know what I am made of.. I feel this is yet another brick in the foundation of who Heather is and will become..
I have been on two dates with a fella and have a third planned tonight.. I have no idea where it will go but I am excited about the journey of discovering someone to spend time with and the possibilities of a relationship.. I finally feel a comfort in someone's presence I haven't felt, possibly ever.. I am beyond proud of myself of what has come out of my mouth in articulating my needs and wants out of a relationship with someone.. I really know what I want and see it so clearly now I feel fortunate it took this long.. I am in the moment I am meant to be.. This experience with my two dates thus far validates the existence of what I am looking for in a man.. I went out on the first date (with this fella) the day after mom died because I read the "tea leaves" and knew doing the opposite of what I was feeling was the right thing to do.. Mom wanted nothing more than for me to find love and be with someone that I could share myself with.. I think this just might be the first order of business my mom is doing for me in Heaven.. It is so something she would do.. I love her and will miss her deeply for the rest of my days..
Tootles :)
Heather
Saturday, April 20, 2013
I love you Mom
Greetings and Salutations--
Today I lost my mom to a stroke (second one in 24 days) and I will not be blogging this Monday...please check back later this week/weekend...I love you mom...I know you know just how much I do....My thoughts and prayers go out to any one who is in need of such things and I pray you have the strength you need to work though what ever troubles you are having in your life....
Heather
Today I lost my mom to a stroke (second one in 24 days) and I will not be blogging this Monday...please check back later this week/weekend...I love you mom...I know you know just how much I do....My thoughts and prayers go out to any one who is in need of such things and I pray you have the strength you need to work though what ever troubles you are having in your life....
Heather
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