Intimacy...Can You Have It In The Absence of Real Connection?

Greetings and Salutations,
  What? Twice in one week after not blogging for two years?  I am so excited to be writing again. I have problem solved one of my biggest issues which was not being able to write in my apartment.  The space just isn't conducive.  I am going to work on that, but for the time being here we are again together.  Oh how I have missed you.  I certainly hope you are all doing fantastic.
  Today at work I got hit by an epiphany.  As I navigate the online dating world I have learned much about not only myself, which I could make into another blog, but about human behavior and interaction.  I have been trying to understand why, generically speaking, the majority of guys want to skip to sex and intimacy.  I know the simple answers.  I'm interested in the deeper ones.  Today I was hit out of the blue with viable answers.  We truly live in a different world than I have known up until now.  So much has changed since the Internet, but nothing (for the purpose of my topic today) has changed human interaction more than smartphones and texting.
  We are more disconnected than we have ever been in my life time.  I think you could easily say in modern times and not be overstating a fact.  While I really think I am correct in that statement, I don't feel like doing the research to back it up.  We no longer communicate-- we text.  We hide behind the comfort of knowing you can really text anything you want no matter how perverted, rude, or disgusting because you don't have to look into the eyes of the person you are having a conversation with.  Because it isn't a real conversation. 
  Should you be the writer, you can say anything you want. The phone offeres a buffer to the social norms of face to face interaction.  Should you be on the receiving end, it's one dimensional, heard in your head with your voice as the narrator. It greatly depends on your temperament of the day and your perspective alone in life as to the tone and how the message sounds to you. There would be alot less misunderstandings in the texting world if Morgan Freeman could be the built in narrator of every ones texts.  Impossible to misunderstand something that man reads LOL
  I just got back from online date number 431 (or so it feels LOL).  Apparently, given the post conversation of a first meeting followed up with two days of texing I am spot on with my hypothesis. Condensed version is this guy, who at first meeting appeared to be not the typical guy.  Smart, attractive, well educated, in my age group.  But his texting choice of conversation was in direct contrast to who he seemed to be in person.  After two hours of a first meeting his text questions included when could he see me naked and when could we be more intimate.  Jeez.
  He really got me thinking. In a good way.  With more depth than his shallow and predictable line of text talking.  I asked him clarification questions based on how he came across on the phone. I asked him would he look me in the eye and ask the same questions.  He said no absolutely not.  I find it funny because I would never say anything via text that I wouldn't have the balls to to look someone in the face and ask/say.  Guess that sets me apart from 99% of the current dating population.  How boring for me.
  These are my take away thoughts. Intimacy is something that in my opinion comes about as you get to know someone or know well.  Not 2 hours after meeting.  Intimacy, whether it includes actual sex or all the stuff in between is best felt (at best) with the emotional depth two people feel that are somewhat known to each other.  Why would you want to skip this integral part? Intimacy in the absence of emotional depth and connection is purely sexual gratification.  Sex and all that comes with it is so much better felt on a deeper level.  It's what gives physical contact greater pleasure. I am speaking in terms beyond just wanting a one night stand.
  I think most men and I know this can apply to women as well, but I am speaking to my individual experience, want to cherry pick.  They want to reap the rewards of human touch and oneness without wanting to put in the effort of forging some kind of relationship in my opinion it takes to make that physical connection have real meaning.  They are unable, unwilling, to do the work it takes to make any kind of real emotion connection.  They get bored easily, after all we live in an instant world.  Most of us have a skewed sense of what's real.  So many people today lack the skills for interpersonal relationships.  Real face time. Real conversation.  It is a byproduct of the Internet, social media, smartphones, all the apps that come with them, and texting. 
  How exactly are you to meet anyone with these forces working against you?  I am perplexed. Baffled, but this is the dating world that I live in.  The more I learn, the more I love being single.  The more I am really ready to celebrate who I am, my standards, and my choices of how to fill my time day today.  I draw strength from what seems like dating failures to the outside world.  I'll wait my turn.  My Edward, Raj, or Justin is out there.  Until we cross paths, I'll have the best single life possible.

Tootles :)~
Heather

I Found A Great Date.....Finally A Real Challenge

Greetings and Salutations,
  So I am grappling with a new idea; new point of view; a new perspective I need to adopt, but not certain how to achieve the shift. I have long dismissed the notion that "love will find you when you least expect it". I will never let go of the personal belief that life is better spent with someone to share it with. How can you not feel the absence of the love of your life when you are alone?
  My most recent, as in last week...fresh off the press, realization of one aspect of my life is that I sit around in waiting mode. When I go out on Friday or Saturday night... who I can meet that's interesting? In the back of my mind I say to myself "when I meet someone I will have a life. I'll have have someone to go places with. Travel, explore, and (in general) be active with".  What am I waiting for?
  I have to get off the couch. Self reflection time: basically my whole life I have not had many outside interests. Nothing to speak of.  Yeah, I played church league soft ball in middle school.  Between 2011-2013 I discovered volunteering.  Specifically community runs.  Giving medical support to The Cooper Bridge Run.  Traffic support to the Avondale 5K Run.  A silent auction to Cancers Below The Waist for MUSC.  Giving medical support to a two day community free screening clinic. It was a niche I discovered and loved to do. I really miss it.
  Since I relocated to San Francisco in April of 2014 I have volunteered my time for exactly nada. zip. nothing.  That part for sure I must get back to. There are so many things to give my time to here. Maybe that is part of the problem. Too much to choose from. Sometimes too many choice makes you not able to settle on the right thing. Decision paralysis. I admit I am a current victim.
  Back to center.  How exactly does one "date themselves"?  I think it is about taking advantage of my singleness.  How I choose to spend my time is 100% up to me. People who are in committed relationships or have kids would kill for this "problem". This "challenge" as I see it. The irony doesn't go unnoticed with me. At least now it doesn't. The challenge is how do I work this to my advantage? Maybe this is the first step to over come. Unlimited choices is in and of itself challenging at best and overwhelming.  I can do anything I want.  ANYTHING.  How does one narrow it down to make it manageable?
  My answer honestly?  I have no fucking idea.  But I am totally game to the process of discovery.  Current starting point: I want to do a pottery class.  There are several companies locally that offer great classes.  I've already started the hunt.  #2 Today I stopped off at local soup kitchen that prepares food for shut-ins and the homeless close to my apartment.  No office I could find, but a phone number posted on the window. I called and left a message.  #3 As of this writing, I have Thursdays open and need to be filled. TBD.  Tennis completes what's left over. Super happy with that. I really love tennis.
  I think the bottom line is this. The premise of this blog is dating yourself while your patiently waiting. I believe dating myself is is code for just getting out there. REI camping trip over the weekend with a group.  A hiking trek for the day.  A cooking or knitting class.  Filling an empty or better put open evenings with content that has relevance to my interests in life. Which is pretty much everything I just listed. Oh, and the symphony. Phantom of The Opera.  I so miss that.
  Maybe it's about distracting myself in a really fun way to be open to the opportunity for someone to cross my path when I'm not watching.  Maybe that's what they mean. Its not about finding someone when you stop looking, but when you're not watching (for it).  Somehow that seems like a shift in perspective I can understand and work with.

Tootles :)~
Heather