West Coast Greetings and Salutations,
---I wrote this 1-2 weeks ago and saved it as a draft. Things have already settled down even more, and some of these feelings have subsided but I wanted to publish this anyway. It marks how I was feeling in that moment. I haven't edited it so I hope my thoughts at the time make sense to you. It all came out at once. Raw and real.-- Heather
Hi. How are ya? Wonderful is my sincere hope. Wow. The plethora of things I have had to write about. So much is and has happened since I last jotted down my thoughts into cyberspace. I have found and lost my inner voice to write a million times since I landed here in my new abode. Moving = Happiness. Sadness. Excitement. Overwhelming anxiety. Inner peace. Depression. Learning. Roller coaster I say. Roller coaster.
First, I found an apartment. Let me tell you the housing Gods where with me. I got it first day, second apartment I looked at (with only one other dude who was looking with me). I moved in May 1st. It has killer space for a studio (four distinct rooms) and tons of California character. The City (San Francisco) won in the end over Emeryville. I chose to be in the center of it all.
More specifically I live in the Tenderloin. Or spoke another way the "Tender-nob". Where Nob Hill ($$) meets the land of the homeless, drug addicts and its share of hookers. Or spoke yet another way (on one of those street poll banners placed by the city at the street corners) "Upper Tenderloin. 409 Historical buildings and 33 proud blocks" (the entire Tenderloin is comprised of 50 blocks).
And the more I get out and walk the streets, I really am on the outskirts of the "Loin" or the "Ten" as we residents affectionately refer to our hood. It is quickly growing on me and for that I am grateful because geographically I am in the middle of it all. There is lots to love around here. Oh the difference a block or two can make.
Work continues to go well and I am still learning both jobs. There is alittle stress in that department (OK alot) but I will report further about that at another time. Suffice to say I am doing great at both clinics and by all accounts, well liked and appreciated for my work ethics and ability I am regaining (rusty ya know).
There are alot of feelings I have been going through some awesome and some very very stressful. There is a (disappointing) realization that I have come to notice about my view point about life. We are constantly moving towards or away from something. I am forming serious doubts that we as human beings can actually achieve satiation in our personal lives. Where we don't need another thing accomplished, even if for just a moment.
I don't particularly like this realization. I mean damn. Can't you achieve your goal (s) and be done vs realize when you thought you were done, you really have a string of other shit you discovered you still need to do before you get the damn proverbial carrot?
I am not speaking of this in a materialistic way. I mean it on a very deep, personal life achievement level. I guess I have somehow gotten the notion that in life, you set a goal (s), achieve it/them, and then should need little else for a period of time until life changes direction again. You can "take it easy" for awhile. I am discovering my theory about this is crap. Hell's Bells. Now what? Now I have to keep setting goals, achieving them, thinking I'm "done for the moment" only to find out achievement (or lack there of actually) means virtually nothing? Take one thing off your list and find it is always replaced with more?
This move has taught me WAY more than I could even imagine. 46 days in (70 if you count when I landed on California soil) I am happy. I am frustrated. I am (still) scared. I am not settled. I am more impatient then I honestly knew about myself. I am grateful. I am anxious. I am still grieving. I feel profoundly alone in this world. Nothing feels the same without mom. This still feels like a travel assignment. I am still determined. I am learning so much about who I am. I still want to share my life with someone and them reciprocate.
I am still in the end happy to be learning all that I am about life through this experience. Even if it is painful. Even in my tears I have faith. I will continue on my pathway of life. I will not give up. Determined to meet my destiny no matter how discouraged I may at times feel. Determined to make my life my own.
This is so strange (gross understatement). I don't feel home sick even with all the stress and breath holding I am doing. I feel like Charleston is no longer my home. Its where I'm from but that is different. But San Francisco doesn't yet feel like home either. I feel like a woman without a country. Even so, my gut tells me I didn't make a mistake moving here and in due time it may well feel like home.
But in order for this to feel like home it needs to look like home. A full time, benefited job where I don't sweat getting in my hours every day. When I walk through my apartment door it looks like my home with my stuff. Then I can actually begin to evaluate if this is gonna stick. Until then I will continue to challenge myself to not give up and continue to pursue my dreams. Its why I'm here in the first place
Tootles :)
Heather
