Greetings and Salutations,
So I started writing tonight and got several paragraphs in and decided to change course. This could be a bit long. So hold on and don't be scare-did. Let's dive into my frontal lobe :)
Do you know yourself? Have you stopped long enough to challenge all that you have been taught about the world, who you are, and how you fit into it? Why you are you? How you became you? Why you make the choices you make? How you define your self worth?
I am learning more and more about myself in fits and starts. I see how much I have changed since my life took a different direction the day my mother left. My tenacity for life is a seed my mother planted in me that broke the surface in the wake of her death. I am so much my mother's daughter. But the real question I am asking myself these days is how much of Heather am I? Who is SHE? Who has SHE become? What does SHE want. What does SHE think? What would SHE do?
Fits and starts. No one wants to admit it but that is how life unfolds. That's how life works day to day in the real world. One step forward and three steps back. Two steps forward and no steps back. It always changes up. Hollywood and others make you feel it happens all in one smooth stroke. You struggle and then poof. One day no more struggle EVER. Or better yet there are those of us whom never struggle. What a load of horseshit. I have wasted some serious tears and brain cells thinking that there is something wrong with me. An over thinker and underachiever. I want it, I struggle for it, and if I achieve it, by God I should have it mastered. But then I backslide. Damnit. Reality strikes.
I made a personal life growth leap years ago when I broke up with my then boyfriend. Then I think I fell asleep. It happens. Next thing I know I was comfortable with life and wham. Mom died. Now what? I chose to move to San Francisco and when the dust settled, I realized for the first time ever-- my life and my well being were now up to me and me alone. It was overwhelming.
Several recent situations have happened to make me realize it's time to wake up and grow again. It's time for me to seek answers to those questions from within myself. Some how I got the notion that life overall doesn't change. I never change my furniture arrangement. I never change the color on the walls. I feel most comfortable when major aspects of my life never change. This is redonkulous. Life IS change. I suspect I know in part where it comes from. It isn't an excuse as much as I hope it gives me the ability that by understanding its origin, I can process it, and finally set it free.
When I was nine years old, on a day like any other I came home from school. It was 1978/79. The day before was perfectly normal as all the preceding days before that had been. I walked home from school and my mother met me at the bottom of the drive way. Instantly I knew something was wrong. She had been crying. While I'm sure my memory has faded and can't remember all the minute details accurately, I remember her telling me through further tears there was nothing that I had done wrong, but my father had left us.
After some brief explanation of how life wouldn't change as I knew it, I asked if she was done and could I go play in my room. I was numb. I remember in that moment at nine years old, I had a quick decision to make. Crush the fear and pack it away deep inside or it would crush me. I never looked back. I accepted what was. That was the first time my life was irrevocably changed.
That first Christmas, understandably my mother wouldn't let my dad in the house. He had walked out on her after 21 years of marriage. He stood in the doorway of the den and handed me all my presents. I opened each one and had to run back to the doorway to hug him. I'll never forget those two days for the rest of my life.
The man that was suppose my template in the world deserted me. He was suppose to be the man all others (men) were measured by. I hoped not. Even as a child I knew that. My biggest fear as I got older was the man I would meet and fall in love with would do just what he did. One day just disappear for reasons I could and would never understand.
Wow. Where did that all come from? These are not thoughts I sit around and think about daily. This brings me back full circle. Who are you? Who am I ? Who have we become at this stage of our lives? What do you have unprocessed that holds you back? Understanding that can actually give you a better perspective of what drives your thinking and decisions. So much of who I am today was born that day that I learned my dad left me.
I say none of this in anger. This is not the only view point. I say this only as a matter of mine. It happened. This is one angle of many through the eyes of a child's perspective of divorce. This doesn't speak to my dad's many other dimensions. I say this in hopes to fully understand myself and what has shaped me thus far. I choose to no longer let the fear of change cripple me. I no longer choose to let what was or wasn't define my future. I will no longer let someones life experiences define my existence. I will grow and embrace all that comes to me in my life. I will be the captain of my ship and not be scared to dream to have the life I imagine. I can do anything I set my mind to and so can you. Who I am I? I am Heather and multi faceted. I am complicated and simple. I am who I choose to allow myself to become. Who I become will forever change. How about you?
Tootles :)
Heather
